Saturday, March 21, 2015

the energy of money

A lump formed of resentment and regret lodges in my throat when I think about money. Even the process of writing about it causes distress. Heck, three sentences in and I'm ready to save as draft.

Save
Log off

I wasn't kidding. It is now the day after I started penning this. Why is it a struggle to write about money? Because it brings up current struggles and the past few years worth of trials and tribulations on the financial front. Frustration stems from having and continuing to work hard at my education with little financial gains to show for it. I half joke that I went back to school and will likely be just as poor with four degrees as I am with three. I'm willing to take that risk. (I'm also taking advantage of in school deferment on my loans.) The resentment arises when I witness societal inequities in opportunities and entitlements for those of us "living in the middle" (too poor to get by, too rich to get help). I am trying to learn how to let go of these and other frustrations and resentments because they certainly do not serve me.

My belief is that our hearts and souls must be open to allow things into our lives. My frustrations and resentments are blocking the energy of money. Today I am choosing to make a conscious effort in dropping these blockers and let the good come in. I'm opening up for opportunities to come my way. I'm using my eyes to find new ideas and means of supporting my family. I am letting go of worry that bills will not get paid (because they will). I am giving for others to benefit from receiving.

Today I am saying "YES!!!" to letting in the good.

Friday, May 9, 2014

strange days indeed

Such a mixture of emotions pulse through me as moments ebb and flow.
 It feels so good to get my hands in the soil now that spring is slowly creeping in.
  Things like people from the past make their presence known creating new scenarios.
   This beautiful extension of myself grows rapid fire into toddlerhood.
    Thoughts like bipolar mania and A.D.D. keep me scattered
     But the dirt beneath my nails reminds me to Be
      Here
       Now

Saturday, February 15, 2014

in the midst

In the shadow of winter
In the midst of turmoil
Somewhere deep
In the the middle of an apple 
One seed had sprouted
Bringing with it 
A glimmer of hope that
Opportunities will grow
When placed in fertile soil.

Just call me Melissa Fuckin' Appleseed

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Sometimes things really do happen for a reason

The important thing is to figure that reason. In recent months, this is becoming more apparent in my life. What is obvious is that I need to take control of my own career and build what I want instead of conforming into what is out there. There is no longer fear or apprehension in putting my plans into action anymore. Life is too precious and time with my daughter trumps staying in an unhealthy, not to mention unfulfilling situation. Recognizing my own abilities and reinvigorating my inner punk-chick is just what the doctor (Schnookleheimer) ordered. I feel energized and motivated.

Think about the things that keep happening in your life that keep you stuck. What are the reasons they keep happening? What are you supposed to be learning from it and what are you going to do to let the lessons be a catalyst for change? Do it. You will not likely regret taking action.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

True

Putting out positive energy to the Universe
and
I am open to goodness entering my life.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

my love

This child cracks me up each and every day. Her smile, her laughter and her personality beams. As she sprouts taller, she explores more and more of the world around her. Watching her helps me feel present and grounded. There is no better feeling in this world then holding her in my arms as she snuggles into my neck. She simply fills me with joy. She motivates me to want to succeed more and simplify my life. She helps me realize that, even when life throws curve balls, everything is going to be okay. This little being has changed me in ways I could never have imagined.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

on the verge...

...of something big, something new...
                                                    ...something wonderful.

you're my obsession

My new obsession. The Civil Wars

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

just be nice

just be nice. That is a bumper sticker I saw on my way to work yesterday. A statement that seems so simple, so straightforward. Yet frequently we, as humanbeings, find this action difficult. I get a bit sadened when hearing or seeing people, group, countries not being nice. But the only thing that I control is showing my kindness to others. And I hope my kindness will be contagious in some small way.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

dichotomous hippopotamus

It's amazing how something can feel simultaneouly familiar and foreign.
Welcoming myself back to my yoga practice.
I missed you. I missed me.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

loving life

Spent part of the afternoon dancing around the living room 
with my baby daughter in my arms singing this:

Sunday, December 16, 2012

joyful girl

Odd head-space returning after the flood.
 Heat and hot water have been restored, but my body is still ungrounded.
Need to regroup and return to earthiness.


But still there is underlying pervasive joy.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

secret cheerleader

There's a family in my neighborhood who are, how can I say this nicely...real D-bags. We're talking milking the system, cops there weekly, proven to be linked to criminal activity, loud, street arguing, fist-fighting on the front lawn and disruptive types of people. Those who know me know that I say hello to everyone when I am out for walks, especially in my own neighborhood. Though I won't go into details, the adults in this household make it clear that they want nothing to do with us or anyone else in the neighborhood except the house across the street from them in which their relatives reside (the other D-bags but add to the aforementioned list: drug dealers). To each his own but I still say hello, particularly to the kids who are much more receptive to friendly gestures.

In the household, there are three (or four or five depending on the day) children middle school age and under. Over the last year and a half I have witnessed these children start talking and behaving more and more like the adults that surround them. I have witnessed the older one using language that could melt paint off a car. Cursing worse than a truck driver, demeaning the younger ones and ranting with such anger it is heartbreaking. I see glimmers of hope when they are outside simply playing like children. If only they had someone, anyone that would take them under their wing and give them the chance of fostering the growth of that beautiful childlike side of them that still exists.

Yesterday, the middle school boy was outside by himself playing basketball. This poor kid often looks so sad, lonely, and sometimes angry. I had run outside to bring the garbage can out to the curb before the truck got to my street. Still in my pajamas and just focused on my task at hand, I hear an enthusiastic "Hi!" being shouted my way. Looking down the street it was the boy waving with a big smile on his face. I waved back with a "Hi. How are you today?" The boy said he was good and then went back to shooting hoops but now with a slight smile on his face. There was another day that I was working in the front yard and the kids were riding bikes. He went out of his way to bike over and say hi. All I have ever been able to do is say "hello" and "how are you?" with a smile on my face when I see him and the other kids. That little bit of positivity brings out the good in such impressionable children. Sadly, such little gestures are not likely to counteract the negativity that surrounds them, but there is still hope and with proper attention they could turn out okay. I know that the family would not allow me to engage the children any more than I already do but I will continue to show them a friendly smile no matter what. I know that I am planting small seeds of positivity and I want to do that, especially for the boy. I hope that at some level this kid knows I am rooting for him.

Friday, July 27, 2012

prayers for thy enemy

(By pray I mean any sort of positive thoughts, vibes or mojo, and by enemy I'm even including people that irritate you or are on your bad side temporarily.)

Why would you want to pray for someone you don't particularly like? Because it is incredibly healing and helps both you and that person. Better karma to boot!

This is a lesson I learned years ago but I admit I often have to remind myself to do it since it's certainly not always easy and is much easier to ignore. Now, I'm not talking about praying for a flat tire for the person who directed their road rage at you. I am talking about praying that whatever is triggering their road rage dissipates so they have no further need to explode and flip people off.

Ironically, I learned this idea from a former coworker who was really irritating. You know the type of person who always "one ups" you? That was her. No matter what someone else talked about, she's done it and it was twenty times more exciting. If you went kayaking on a nice calm river, she kayaked during a typhoon and saved a drowning muskrat in the process. She would steel the spotlight in every conversation. Irritating? Very. One day, she told me how she would pray for the people she liked the least because it was a good thing to do. I thought about it for a while and decided to give it a try. I began including her in my prayers and it surprisingly helped me gain empathy for her. Perhaps she felt inadequate and needed to boost her own ego. Perhaps no one in her family ever let her tell her stories and she jumps on the opportunity to share her life's adventures with people. Perhaps she grew up in a family that didn't teach her good communication skills. Whatever the reason, I prayed she would feel better and learn good conversation manners so others would not be turned off by her. After praying for her a few times (first begrudgingly, then with more ease), her "one up-ing" didn't trigger irritation in me anymore. Nice bonus, right?
Isn't that a much nicer way to live? Praying for positive things to happen to people, friend or foe? Give it a try. It doesn't really take much time or effort and you might be surprised at the outcome.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

fat and happy

Baby and Me

I'm posting this for all of us that read the "I can't believe how quickly I've gotten the baby weight off" posts on message boards and think "sheesh, what the heck is wrong with me and my jiggly body?"
I was overweight pre-getting-knocked-up. I put on close to 60 pounds during pregnancy. I'm many weeks postpartum and I still have some of the baby weight on my already fluffy body.

I'm big.
I'm curvy.
I'm voluptuous.
I have more to hug.
I know it's going to take a lot more time to, not only lose the baby weight, but to also get my fitness swerve back on and reach my goal weight again.
And that's okay!

I'm also happy. This body put on weight to help grow this beautiful, perfect and healthy child sleeping in my arms.
These larger-than-ever breasts nourish her.
These jiggly arms cradle her.
This close-to-double chin gives her a safe spot to nuzzle.
This extra layer of fat keeps her warm when she snuggles up.


The weight will come off and my muscles will have strength and definition again.
In the meantime, I will love every extra inch of this body between now and goal because it belongs to me and my baby. I am no less of a person because there is more of me.
Pure Joy

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

welcome to the world

Seriously, my life recently got much more awesome. That's right: more awesome... because of her:
Photo and child are mine. No one has permission to reproduce, use, or copy this image. Cloning of this child is also prohibited. She's seriously awesome but she is one of a kind. As much as you might want to, cloning of this kid will not be allowed, no matter how awesome of a scientist the scientific community claims you to be. (I'm so serious about this, I ended a sentence in a preposition and did not correct it.) Okay, you have been warned. Carry on.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

alien spawn wants out of it's cocoon

Just over a month before the baby's estimated date of arrival. Currently, it totally wants to bust out of my upper stomach alien-style. It is also practicing some serious MMA fighting techniques with my bladder. Pregnancy is certainly interesting.