my love

This child cracks me up each and every day. Her smile, her laughter and her personality beams. As she sprouts taller, she explores more and more of the world around her. Watching her helps me feel present and grounded. There is no better feeling in this world then holding her in my arms as she snuggles into my neck. She simply fills me with joy. She motivates me to want to succeed more and simplify my life. She helps me realize that, even when life throws curve balls, everything is going to be okay. This little being has changed me in ways I could never have imagined.

when i conceived...

...I was still bringing in some regular income and I couldn't conceive of being broke. Now I'm job hunting while pregnant. Eek! What a scary place to be indeed. The good thing is, going scary places, whether a physical location or a situational one, helps us grow. When we stay in a place that is safe, we safely stay the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing if you like the person you have already become. But when life throws you a scary situation, revel in the fact that you will get through it and be better for the experience.

oozing love hormones

No, that's not eluding to something raunchy. Quite the opposite.

Look at that picture! Boddington can just brighten my day just by being cute while napping. It's noticing these little moments and just being able to sit with them that makes life so full. It also gets the oxytocin flowing. Love, love, love!

Something else that is filling my life and my oxytocin quota: being pregnant. Yes, folks, I am pregnant, with child, knocked up, have a bun in the oven, incubating a child, etc. And it's amazing! I am thankful that it has been relatively uneventful so I am truly enjoying the experience. During the first trimester, I only experienced morning sickness four times for only a minute each. I was also really exhausted the first eleven weeks but that has passed.

It is all so wondrous, being able to see and watch the baby grow and dance on ultrasound. I've seen it's tiny little bladder and even both lobes of it's brain. The best is hearing it's rapid little heartbeat thump, thump, thumping away. I have already fallen in love with this sweet little kidlette who is all safe and sound in my womb. Life is good.

shake your booty

I declare today Shake Your Booty Day. At some point today do a little booty shaking dance of joy, just because. In case you need some inspiration:

This is the start of week two of only working one day a week. Let me tell you, this is wonderful! (One of the reasons I feel like shaking my booty.) I feel alive again. This may have to do with the increase in sleep and decrease in stress.

Of course, having less work doesn't mean I am sitting around eating bonbons. Having a new house, there are lots of projects to get done. Many of which are creative and fun, others, well, those are tasks but must get done. Maybe if I shake my booty while doing them, they won't seem tedious.

I am loving spending more time with the animals (two rescue rabbits and a rescue dog in case you are keeping score) and taking lots of walks. I am loving having time to make some new and exciting vegetarian meals. I am loving having time to engage in creative endeavors. I am loving fully embodying the joy in my life.

fill your day with

joy

and

booty shaking.

ninja for hire

I sit here with my glasses smudged and bleary-eyed, sipping my morning java. Working my tail off trying to tie up loose ends at the job but knowing there is only so much I can do. After all, I'm only human (despite having a tail to work off). Each morning of the past two weeks my mind immediately starts the preemptive reviews of tasks I will face at work that day. It is really starting to get annoying. The stress of impending deadlines with no flexibility is practically giving me night sweats (eh, not really). Knowing the tasks left, I requested some extra days for me to be diligent with my I dotting and T crossing, but was denied. So, I've broken cardinal union rules and worked extra unpaid hours and even did some work at home. Luckily, this will be over soon as Saturday is my last day.

Saturday will come and go and I will finally be able to sleep easy. "What? How can you sleep easy??? You are going to be under-employed, Dr. Schnookleheimer!" This is how: I put on my accounting green visor and crunched some numbers. I figured out how many clients I would have to see at my private practice to cover office rent, pay for supervision/training and make the same salary a week as my full time gig and realized it is very doable: 8 clients. I recalculated a number of times because I couldn't believe it. Eight. Dang! I can do it in one full day. What??? Yes, you saw that right: one full day (or two half days).

Now let's compare:

F/T job:
1- 35 hour/5 days per week
2- huge commute (gas $$$)
3- earning money for a large agency
4- 80+ person caseload that I have no control over
5- supervisor, program director, compliance manager, utilization review committee, assistant agency director and CEO to answer to
6- minimal room for advancement

Private practice:
1- 12 hour (including supervision/training)/1 or 2 days per week
2- almost half the commute
3- earning money for myself
4- caseload I control
5- I'm my own boss
6- advancement by growing my business as I want

I'm no accountant nor am I a career coach, but I'm thinking this change is a good thing, no? 

And I will have time for my true full time gig: NINJA!!!!!

my life is not a timeline

I wasn't going to write this morning but while downing my second cup of coffee something is compelling me to get some of my thoughts out in writing. So here it goes:

The past few months I have been working six-day work weeks. Five days at a full time gig and one day at a private office. The full time place is where I've been for three years. It was always a distance to travel to but once I moved into the house my commute became much too long. Gas prices and all the extra time in the car became too much, so I started looking for another place to hang my hat for eight hours a day. A few resume submissions later, I landed a three-day position working with the geriatric population. Though it was the same commute, it was only three days and I would be traveling towards the lovely East End of Long Island. It is a beautiful commute passing farm stands, vineyards and quaint towns. I figured, what the heck. I would gain experience working with the only population I hadn't focused on so I said yes.

I had submitted my required four weeks notice at my full time job and was thrilled about this new adventure in my career. The first two weeks I had jury duty on top of the full time gig and my private clients.My exhaustion has been evident to everyone around me. Forgetfulness, stress and insomnia have taken over my days. Then, last week a bomb dropped. The job offer had been rescinded by the higher up boss. I was so taken aback I just responded with an "okay, well thank you anyway" and hung up the phone.

My head spinning, I couldn't even think. Later that day, my iced tea cap reminded me "the sun will come out tomorrow"

and I got this photo

which promptly reminded me that there are more important things in my life. Everything will be okay.

I have always believed that I land the jobs I am supposed to have. It took me a few days to find the lesson in this rescinded offer and the loss of ground but last night it hit me. I have learned to let go of the fear. I am surrendering to the unknown and it is okay. There are some options and, ultimately, none of them are wrong. They are just the next choice I make and if that one does not work out, there will be another choice to make later.

The lesson:
My life is not a timeline, it is a river with many twists and turn. There is even and eddy or two every now and then. Sometimes you have to flow with water and see where it takes you, and other times you have to swim like the dickens to get what you want. It is always vital to have a picnic on the bank on a regular basis (ah, self care). Currently, I need to surrender and flow with the water. It just feels right.

Now where are my inner tube and water wings? 

i think i can, i think i can, i...i...think i need some rest

Sorry about the scarceness of posts lately but I've been working my tail off. I only have a week and a half at my full time gig and I am trying to finish up lots of loose ends there...all while building my private practice, preparing to start the new job out east and keeping up with the house. My sleep has been awful and my memory is shot, too.

I'm doing my darnedest to keep my head above water and not let myself get sick. That is what happened at the end of grad school.

Stress, pressure and life plus a cold = a lot more badness.

I've been taking my vitamins and trying to get my veggies in but am doing very little self-care besides that. A true example of what NOT to do at times of stress. If anyone has some extra tips, hints or ideas to help me through the next couple of weeks, I'd love to hear them.

taking time to smell the trees at 55mph

My way-too-long drive to my full time gig includes a stint on the Southern State Parkway which is a winding, tree-lined, three lane parkway that, when you aren't in a rush, is quite a lovely road (as far as parkways go). With the beautiful weather yesterday, my windows were opened allowing the fresh clean air to swirl around me. To my utter delight I kept getting periodic wafts of fragrant floral scent. Oh, those lovely white-bloomed trees are gently perfuming the air and I am adoring it. What a pleasant commuting experience that snapped me out of my "go to get to work" mindset and brought me back to the here and now. It's these moments, these little snippets of time, that remind me that life is good indeed.

when you come from good people

I read this list and kept mental track what I do and what else I can start doing to make the world a slightly nicer place. More than halfway through and I realized that I really need to thank my parents for raising me right. They taught me so many things on this list by lesson and example.

A big THANK YOU mom and dad!

i usually like roller coasters

Roller coasters: Seriously love them. The feeling of motion, speed and zero g's. Amazing. However, roller coasters in life, errr not really. The past few weeks have had moments of elation and love of life, potential opportunities of the good kind, and serene, contemplative moments, but there is also some potentially negative events occurring on a bodily level that have sent me reeling. (I will write about this on my finding maitri blog. Email me for permission for access to this blog if you care to read more)

It is just so amazing that us humans can experience so many concurrent emotions. The up and down kind, I am not a fan. The concurrent and dichotomous emotions amaze me. I have written before about the underlying pervasive joy of which I still experience. With the not-so-good stuff happening: one day I am at ease and acceptance, the next it hits me and gives me a feeling of overwhelm. At these moments, I tend towards introversion and withdrawal. I find this is how I recharge myself with introspective thinking and solitude. I know this is only temporary as I will have a deeper knowledge of what is or isn't going on with my body next week. Until then, I will just have to ride the roller coaster over each summit and dip.

ups and downs and ups again

Life is like performing a beautiful waltz while riding The Zipper at the carnival. Lots of ups and downs and can sure make you dizzy, but ultimately it is beautiful and unique.

tuesday musings

Tuesday has rolled around again. These mornings tend to be very nice. Solo time to catch up on reading, exploring information, decompressing and even introspecting (more than usual). It is a time where I count my blessings and sit in the joy of the wonderfulness I am lucky to have in my life. I refocus my goals and retool the means of achieving them. I reevaluate what I have been doing, reinforcing the good and tweaking the not-so-good.

I love my Tuesday mornings, but I love the rest of my week as well. Different reasons for different times. The beauty of life is that no moment is the same and every one is valuable in one way or another. Take the time to appreciate it all.

taking risks in a chum suit

+

It's important to find a happy place between total stagnation and blind "dive-head-first-into-shark-infested-waters-while-wearing-a-chum-suit" action. In my experience, there have been times where I played it safe and others where I taken risks. Having an aversion towards boredom and stagnation, I prefer leaning towards the latter of the two.

Lately, I find myself taking more risks, putting myself out there and taking chances, because that is the only way to possibly succeed. (Details forthcoming, but for the time being, these are personal risks not for public viewing. Be patient dear readers.)

For the most part, my risk taking is successful. Engaging in creative projects bring a sense of juiciness to life. Advancing my education (*cough* accruing student loans) has opened my mind and doors wider. Uprooting and moving around the country has allowed me to gain new perspectives and to experience new adventures that have enriched my life and helped me reconnect with my husband. All of these have required some level of risk and have provided such fruitful rewards and experiences.

I am grateful for every experience for even the ones that do not work out as planned have helped me grow and learn about myself. Who was it that said "the only failure is in not trying?" I am not holding back, there are dreams to be had and fruit to be picked.

Fear and excitement can be physiologically similar. Change your perspective and take a chance. Are you holding yourself back from a dream or desire because of fear?

Now where's my chum suit?

falling back to school

So here I sit, viewing other blog and social network posts, watching many people send their kids back to school or head back to work and I ponder the meaning this time of year. Having been a student for more years than I can count (guess I should have studied math) and working in schools for quite a few more, this time of year used to bring eager anticipation for the newness of things to come. I still get giddy when I think of purchasing new school supplies.

Things, however, have changed. Not having children of my own and working in a 12-month job for the past four-plus years, this time of year has changed meaning in both the practical and deeper senses. I am not studying anything formally nor am I currently employed in an educational setting, but the new school year coincides with autumn: my favorite time of the year. Something about the crispness that enters the air and the blanket of leaves that rustle with each step makes my heart swell with the beat of the world. I still approach this time of year as a new beginning, a starting over and time to view life with new eyes. Old things are new again and new things are welcome; I am opening my arms to both.

a house as home

The next step in this journey of life may involve home ownership. We have been keeping our eyes open at the market in the area, watching trends and oo-ing and ah-ing at pictures of available abodes and thinking "hmm what we would do with this yard or that kitchen." I am ready to finish my life as a renter, I am ready to once again live above ground, I am ready for the yard for the dog to run around in and I am ready for a place to call home.

so how's married life?

Now that people are done with the "are you pregnant" question in regard to my three week planned wedding and the "well, when are you getting pregnant" questions are starting to taper, I keep getting the "so how's married life" inquiry.

My response? Just like unmarried life, but with rings.


After responding this way numerous times I am realizing that this is not an adequate answer. Such a response sounds very mundane and unexciting. Let me explain a little deeper. You see, life before marriage was filled with love and joy, magic and laughter. So, yes, married life IS just like unmarried life with rings, but that, my friends, is wonderful!

...and, no, I am not pregnant.

today is a new day, for better or for worse

I am coming back to "pen" a blog entry while I am in a weird state of mind. For the most part, life is full of joy and blessings. I have been making strides on my personal growth and health. My eating is healthy, my activity level is the most it has ever been in my life, my weight has dropped and my muscles have grown (some of which I never knew I had). I am really close to having my hours complete for my full professional license which means I am within reach of being able to establish a private practice. Sherman, my four-legged, carrot eating, hopping child, is sweet as can be and quite the cuddling mush-face. He's healthy and happy and, despite chewing through lots of stuff he's not supposed to, he is such a joy to have in the family. Hopes and dreams are being fulfilled all around. New plans are in the making and I keep recognizing new potential within myself and the Universe.

Then there is the inevitable sadness of loss. When a loved one is in the twilight of life, even the most expected outcome is difficult to process and accept. When someone who was a spunky spark-plug for 90-plus years is ready for hospice care, your heart breaks. As I write these words, I notice that the language I am using by not talking specifics or writing it from first-person experience is proof positive that I am trying to protect myself. I am ready, but I am not ready to say goodbye. But sometimes we have no choice.

retooling the undesirables

Land sakes, I have a busy schedule! Between working full time, yoga every day and kickboxing three days a week, plus "bunny time" (at least an hour a night) and regular tasks like laundry, I feel like I am going non-stop. Exhausting? Yes. Fulfilling and enjoyable? You better believe it!

A major factor to finding joy in busy schedules is loving what you do. Most of my activities are deeply enjoyable. Physical activity that you love is amazing. Time with loved ones and animal companions, divine!

As for the less than desirable tasks, I am working on making them more enjoyable or changing them all together. Sometimes we need to take stock of the "ease-ful" and stressful in our lives and see what we have the power to change and what we can learn to stop resisting.

Time to add to my schedule: retool the undesirables.

full up

As of late, life has been full

full of friends
and loved ones

full of yoga
and kickboxing

full of bunny
and bunny fur tumbleweeds

full of joy
and joyful moments strung together like fairy lights

full of ambitions
and ambitious endeavors

full of hope
and pleasant celebrations

full of local apples
and juicy enjoyment

yes, indeed, I am full up with life!

good ass or good icing?

Standing on line at a local Walbaums (food store...opps, grocery store*), I read with a chuckle the dichotomy of articles in a popular magazine.

Main article title loosely paraphrased: "Lose Weight Fast with this Miracle Plan"

article just at the bottom left corner: "Delicious and Decadent Cupcake Recipes"

Now which article do you think more people are going to follow the directions of?

*When I lived in Colorado and Rhode Island, people reacted oddly when I called them "food stores"