need some change?

The question that has been rolling around my noggin this week:

What are you willing to change today?

As a mental health counselor, I am constantly working with people to help them find the means of change in themselves. They often get overwhelmed by the tasks at hand: Reducing severe depression, dealing with auditory hallucinations, coping with family discourse, dealing with intense mood swings, handling emotional reactions in a rational manor or improving their life situations. These are all common topics that can feel like insurmountable tasks.

Empowering people (including myself) to change for the better is never an all or nothing task. Small changes really do add up to eventual larger scale changes. And, yes, there are often setbacks. Life is usually not a straight, smooth path. A minor setback does not equate to failure. The realization that we didn't become (depressed, anxious, overweight, disorganized, frazzled...fill in the blank) overnight and we are not going to change completely overnight.

What are you willing to change today?
Can you replace a self-deprecating phrase with a positive one? No? How about start by recognizing when you are putting yourself down which many people do unconsciously?

Can you make an effort to smile at a stranger and brighten their day?

Are you willing to eat one piece of fruit today than you did yesterday?

How about taking five minutes to do some deep breathing or enjoy something in nature?

Would sorting through a desk be too much? Then how about just one pile of papers?

Can you track your hallucinations to become aware of when they happen and what might be triggering them?

Are you unhappy with a body part (i.e. my thighs are too big)? Can you find the positive traits of that body part (my thighs help me walk through the park)?

Can you go for a stroll instead of napping on the couch for just ten minutes?

Change is stressful for many people, but it is also inevitable. Are you willing to take control of something today and make a change for the better? If today is too much of a time frame, how about this hour? This moment? Something small, something attainable. Then tomorrow, ask yourself the same question. Before you know it those overwhelming tasks will become manageable.

So, what are you willing to change today?

season of change

season of change
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I have always adored winter. As a child getting to go sledding instead of school because the snow was piled high was such a joy. As for the cold temperatures, I believe that you can always put more clothing on. In the sweltering heat of summer, you can only take so much off before you get arrested.

Lately, what I love about winter is getting to observe the landscape change day to day, sometimes even hour by hour. No scenes change as much as they do in winter as snow cyclically falls and melts. At any given moment, the same view can appear drastically different. It helps remind me that even at times of seeming stagnation, the world is constantly in flux.

Change is certainly in the air, in more ways than one. I shall leave this post about the weather. The rest is a tale for another day.

taking risks in a chum suit

+

It's important to find a happy place between total stagnation and blind "dive-head-first-into-shark-infested-waters-while-wearing-a-chum-suit" action. In my experience, there have been times where I played it safe and others where I taken risks. Having an aversion towards boredom and stagnation, I prefer leaning towards the latter of the two.

Lately, I find myself taking more risks, putting myself out there and taking chances, because that is the only way to possibly succeed. (Details forthcoming, but for the time being, these are personal risks not for public viewing. Be patient dear readers.)

For the most part, my risk taking is successful. Engaging in creative projects bring a sense of juiciness to life. Advancing my education (*cough* accruing student loans) has opened my mind and doors wider. Uprooting and moving around the country has allowed me to gain new perspectives and to experience new adventures that have enriched my life and helped me reconnect with my husband. All of these have required some level of risk and have provided such fruitful rewards and experiences.

I am grateful for every experience for even the ones that do not work out as planned have helped me grow and learn about myself. Who was it that said "the only failure is in not trying?" I am not holding back, there are dreams to be had and fruit to be picked.

Fear and excitement can be physiologically similar. Change your perspective and take a chance. Are you holding yourself back from a dream or desire because of fear?

Now where's my chum suit?

falling back to school

So here I sit, viewing other blog and social network posts, watching many people send their kids back to school or head back to work and I ponder the meaning this time of year. Having been a student for more years than I can count (guess I should have studied math) and working in schools for quite a few more, this time of year used to bring eager anticipation for the newness of things to come. I still get giddy when I think of purchasing new school supplies.

Things, however, have changed. Not having children of my own and working in a 12-month job for the past four-plus years, this time of year has changed meaning in both the practical and deeper senses. I am not studying anything formally nor am I currently employed in an educational setting, but the new school year coincides with autumn: my favorite time of the year. Something about the crispness that enters the air and the blanket of leaves that rustle with each step makes my heart swell with the beat of the world. I still approach this time of year as a new beginning, a starting over and time to view life with new eyes. Old things are new again and new things are welcome; I am opening my arms to both.

shift into low gear

Have you ever had one of those moments where you feel that something has shifted inside you? Where some undefinable yet undeniable change has occurred? It may be a sudden moment or you may need some time-lapse photography of the mind to discern, but you know it happened.

I believe we experience these changes frequently, but often do not take the moments to sit observe and reflect about ourselves to notice. Do we think this self reflection is selfish or do we simply not make the time?

I try, though not always successfully, to make the time and note what is happening with myself and the self. As I do so now, I sense another shift in a positive way. I somehow feel more whole, more focused and clear. Question this? No way! I am just going to dive in, splash around and maybe float in it for a spell. See what comes up and comes through.

Be joyful!!!

retooling

It feels like I am in a constant retooling of my perspective and expectations, and this is a good thing. Life, the world and the Universe is in constant motion. If we stubbornly keep the same mindset, it may not apply to the new form of things. I have retooled things big and small.

I have retooled my career goals a few times. As a child, I wanted to become a doctor. I was inspired by the kindness of my own pediatrician who always had a little koala holding onto her stethoscope; an animal I adored as a child (The koala may or may not have swayed my earliest career goals). Come junior high and high school, my desire shifted towards art. I had planned on attending community college to complete basic courses at a better dollar value. (I was blessed to have parents that funded my entire undergrad education and I did not want to overtax their wallet...Sorry, mom and dad, about choosing a private college for junior and senior years, but it was a great school and I made sure I worked hard at earning good grades because of that.) Within the first week of college, I changed my major to Deaf Studies and interpreting. Career choice three: sign language interpreter. During the course of my Deaf Studies degree, a Deaf professor mentioned that the Deaf flock to psychologists that can sign since they would not have to have a third person (the interpreter) in the room while discussing their personal stories. The seed was planted and I studied psychology for my BA. After working as an interpreter for about six years, I began feeling like a paid parrot and started working over the next six years at various jobs. AIDS education, public relations, physical therapy aid, equity theatre ticket sales, science educator and office management, though not careers, became part of my resume. I had to retool my approach to work for each and every one of them. All of this non-career work prompted me to refocus on career. Back to school I went to earn my MA in Counseling Psychology. Now I am retooling my focus on the next career goal: private practice and the eventual return to school.

I have retooled my idea of where I wish to take up residence. After leaving New York to pursue my MA and life in Colorado, I had planned to end up in or around Oregon. As life and relationships changed, the plan became returning to the East Coast, close enough to Long Island, but NOT Long Island. We landed in Rhode Island, which is a great little state to reside in but the economy started to tank there before the rest of the country. Groovy had plans on returning to school so our thoughts were retooled to residing again on LI for a few years. As wonderful as it is to be near family and friends, it does not feel like the right place for me long term. Having experience the mountains while being too far from loved ones and being close to loved ones but too far from any mountains (yes, Bald Hill certainly does not count), my thoughts have been retooled towards upstate: closer to mountains but not too far from loved ones. This feels like an appropriate retooling.

We have retooled the apartment in which we currently live (a few times). Most recently, the dining area of the kitchen (which we had rarely used for dining) has morphed into an art, bunny, reading nook. The space is again being used.

I have retooled my approach towards fitness and eating. Fitness was about competition in sports alone, not about what is best for my body and mind. Food was strictly about what I wanted. Yoga has become a daily necessity since beginning my challenge. It does not matter if I get it in at midnight, my day is not complete without my practice. After experiencing a month of raw foods, and realizing that one hundred percent raw is too much for me to sustain, incorporating a higher percentage of raw foods is doable. I am now trying to retool my approach food as nutrition. When I allow a food for pleasure, I will enjoy it at such in order to feel satisfied. All of this is different from my approach of the past.

Each view and approach that I retool is not set in stone, for the World and I will continue changing. It is all part of the adventure that is life.

as things go to seed

As the parsley and cilantro start going to seed, change is in the air. (So is the humidity, but that's another story. A horror story for us curly girls.)

I tweaked my work schedule to a more conducive pattern where exhaustion shall decrease. Groovy changed his age (Happy Birthday, Sweetie). My perspective and view of the World is changing daily.

Change is something in which I have always found joy. Stagnation dulls my mind, but change is refreshing.

Those parsley and cilantro seeds are embedding themselves into Mother Earth to begin next years harvest. The seeds of though plant deep in my mind. What change is coming next? What adventure is pending? What newness will spark flames of joy?

I will sit with the anticipation.

flick flick... hello! this is the universe calling!

Sometimes adversity is the means for moving towards something better. It comes down to depending on if you choose to let it hold you down or allow it to spark you into moving forward. Yes, there are some things we cannot control in the world but we always have some sort of autonomous control, even if it is that control is simply how we choose to respond to a hardship. We always have command over that. Are we going to react irrationally or do we choose to respond rationally?

Perhaps the adversity is the Universe flicking you in the back of the head to make you take notice of something. Best to not ignore that because it will not ease up until you do something.

I am all about the lemonade.

clutter be gone

squatter yard sale
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Though my chaos is contained, I, admittedly, I am not the most organized person. However habitual moving has helped me discover motivation to downsize, simplify and minimize. Additionally, over the past few years I have learned to decipher healthy and unhealthy emotional attachment to material objects. It is incredibly freeing to dispose of, donate or pass on things I no longer use, need or want.

The things I am sorting through this week are boxes of "important paper and miscellaneous stuff" I have lugged around (and accumulated) through three US states. Mixed in with old utility bills, truly important papers that are worthy of creating a proper filing system, "congratulation graduate" cards and half finished crossword puzzles, are letters, emails, pictures, etc from a significant ex. Some of which I knew were still in my possession, others I completely forgot about. Two things that amaze me about these rediscoveries are: 1) I am having no emotional or visceral response (positive or negative) and 2) Shredding and disposing of such items brings some clarity and light on my self image.

Here is just a taste of what I have noticed:
I no longer allow others to define me.
Much of my self doubt built up over the past few years has dissipated.
I only desire relationships that each person enhance the other.
I value my family and friends more than ever.
My "I can do anything I set my mind to" attitude has reemerged.

Clearing things can clear the mind, calm the body and sooth the soul. When we have unhealthy emotional attachments to objects we need to work through the underlying issues and let both the emotion and the item go. This is a gift we can give ourselves.

ring it in

Here we are, folks, in a new year. 2008. Write your checks correctly. I rang in the new year similar to last...with a wicked cold making my nose all snuffily and my body achy. Sat on the couch wrapped in a warm new christmas gift blanket (thanks Paul and Joanne!!!), sweatshirt and scarf lovingly knitted by Greg :). As my Italian grandmother always did, we had money in our hands at the stroke of midnight to welcome prosperity into our lives. This year I additionally held some Emergen-C, a piece of paper with a heart and a polished stone. Wealth, Health, Love and being grounded.

Since I make a habit of setting goals for myself throughout the year, I do not come up with New Year's Resolutions. I prefer instead let go of things from the previous year. I learned this tradition from a peer of mine that studied at Naropa University. Her name is Sonny and she is a Lakota Indian, an amazing woman, a survivor and a beautiful person all around. Since ritual and tradition can be an important component of well being, she shared with the class a tradition that her tribe practices. Keep in mind, I am not versed in Lakota tradition so this is a very abridged version. Basically what we did was write down things from the previous year that we want to let go. This is personal and not shared with anyone. We then burned the paper and the idea is that the things we want to let go of goes up with the smoke and a Lakota spirit (an eagle, I believe) flies down and takes them away. You then bury the ashes in soil and grow a plant or flower in it. Then you can move into the new year letting go of the things that hold you back and something new grows from the intention. Having done this a couple of times, I find it very freeing and a ritual I plan on doing again this week. I have used this also when I was going through some difficult times. My mother had come to Colorado to stay with me for a few days for support. I shared this idea with her and we did the ritual ourselves. We then added writing down what we wish for each other in the coming year. Truly helpful indeed.

Whatever you want to work towards in 2008 or let go of from the past, I wish you all Health, Wealth, Love and a Sense of Groundedness.

Namaste, Shanti and Cheers,

Melissa

my week wrapped in brown cardboard boxes

my week
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

As of later today, I will be without internet connection for a spell. We are shutting off service in our soon-to-be-former apartment and our new service is not scheduled to be installed until December 8th. *sigh* I will be checking in periodically at my folks' house since I will be within driving distance for the first time in about five years. This hiatus of services will also make it difficult to post my Art Every Day Month stuff. I will have to do some catch up in December but I covered my ass through Sunday by posting four photos in the group today. See? Forward thinking!

Uprooting and moving again is bringing up stress and self examination, as it always does. I am riding the wave of it and seeing what transpires. That is really all I can do. Introspection gets deeper at these times, as does "future thought". What will the next chapter of life include? What goals will I reach? What will change? What will stay stagnant? Do not get me wrong, I actually enjoy the pensive and even the sometimes somber thinking. It reminds me that I am real, and being real is what it's all about. I am sure there will be some deeper posts forthcoming.

Since I dismantled our desk last night, I have been sitting here on the floor, amongst the boxes, with my feet falling asleep. It time to face the day, finish up the loose ends and finalize the packing. See you in a few days!

Cheers,
Meliss

the art of leaving

gentle exit
Originally uploaded by misslissa13 Art Every Day Month Entry

We are back in Rhode Island for our final week as Rhodies. I say that slightly in jest, since I do not know if I feel at all like a Rhody. Perhaps it is because I have not lived here more than a year, perhaps it is just my stubborn resistance. Whatever it is, I have to say, I feel more Coloradan than Rhody, and more New Yorker than that.

All of the moving I have done, all the places I have lived and all the states I have resided have helped me learn more about myself. My time in Colorado had a profound affect on me. I moved there, not knowing a soul and only having been to the state once, and that was for my interview at Naropa. It was scary and exciting, hard and growth provoking. I loved every difficult moment of the experience, for it forced me out of my comfort zone and into deep self exploration. Much of the time I was also in the throes of a relationship that triggered a lot of self-doubt. On the other end, I would not have changed a thing.

As for leaving RI, I am slightly saddened about leaving; feeling like this experience is not quite done. It is also sparking twinges of missing Colorado. Moving back to New York is also stirring up many layers of emotion. Frustration, excitement, nostalgia, hope, joy of being closer to loved ones, stress of moving, thrill of new beginnings...it goes on. Most layers are positive and I am curious as to what these next few years will bring. Greg studying acupuncture, me studying nutrition, starting my therapy practice, being grounded in a single place for a few years, getting to see the people I love on a regular basis and having new opportunities are just some of the things I am looking forward to.

Change, as always, is happening, outside and within.

once a punk

....always a punk. Just giving you an update about what is happening here.

- I have not created any art these past couple of days, but I have been thinking of some things I want to do.

- We are getting a post office box in our soon-to-be new town today.

- Greg is upgrading his very-outdated cell phone and getting me one. Can you believe it? Not only am I going to have a cell phone again (it has been five years or so) but I have a man who truly enjoys taking care of me. He must think I'm special!

- We are setting up a rental truck to officially move in a week and a half (!!!). I am curious to see how many of our friends make themselves scarce that weekend to avoid having to help with the heavy lifting. ;)

- We are planning a 30-day mostly raw menu to follow between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just want to see how my body reacts to it and help detox after all the pumpkin bars I plan on consuming at Thanksgiving. (Some of you know what my mother's pumpkin bars are and can relate as to why I plan on enjoying every morsel of pumkiny-goodness I can. Those of you who do not, trust me, they are fantastic. E-mail me if you want the recipe.)

- We will be starting work through a temp agency shortly after we move and I will be starting my own therapy practice in a couple of months. Woot woot! More on that soon.

- And, yes, that is me on the right side of the picture circa 1988. Cute, eh? Well I must be off to get stuff done with my Greg. Until later, folks. Cheers!

and a little sadness creeps in and is painted

i see fishes
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

A slight sadness has crept into my stomach this morning. This is the second to last day at my job in Providence. I am going to miss the kids I have worked with this past year, most of whom are really great kids with really tough lives. They were born into chaos and this chaos seems to perpetuate even more chaos. Many of them will be in my thoughts for years to come. I will wonder and hope that their lives have turned around and that they have come out stronger or at least relatively unscathed. I know many of them will not; I am realistic. But I am also hopeful. None of them are a lost cause.

What can I say about my coworkers....they are an amazing group of gifted, caring individuals. Strong women and insightful men, all possessing amazing and unique personalities and the ability to laugh and stay balanced (most of the time).

Change happens and I love it! No stagnation, always growing and moving forward, enjoying each step of the way. Luckily, I have decided to participate in Art Every Day Month (AEDM) to keep me grounded in this major transition time. I found this idea from Leah on her blog. She has been quite an inspiration to me. Check out her blog, her art is lovely, as well as her journey through life. Here are the basic guidelines I loosely copied from her blog:

November 2007: Fifth Annual Art Every Day Month
Guidelines:
Rules are simple: Make art every day for the month of November, post it on your blog if you can, and have fun with it! Art is loosely defined here, just be creative in any way your heart desires (painting, collage, doodle, drawing, clay, poem, video, music, knitting, whatever!) Even if you just make art every week or once this month, the goal is simply to bring more creativity into your life. November 2007 is the 5th year of AEDM. Feel free to join in the fun! Be an Everyday Creative, Be Creative Every Day!

You can "sign up" by leaving a comment on her AEDM post. I did in order to hold myself accountable and not flake out on this. Art is therapeutic for me and this is a good way to continue getting back in touch with that side of myself. Please let me know if you are coming along for the ride. I will be keeping you all updated as to what I am working on. For yesterday's work I want to share this:

Is it art? I do not know. The other day I was gathering my snacks and lunch to bring to work. While getting a bag to tote these yummy delights, I walked back and noticed the lovely array of colors I was planning on consuming that day. I was struck by the variety. Unfortunately, the photos came out a bit blurry, which I did not realize since I was in a hurry to get to work. Alas, after work, the palette had already been consumed so I could not recreate it. I am glad, though, because this was unplanned, spontaneous art that just occurred in my daily grind. Life is amazing, we just need to take those moments to see it's awe.

I look forward to sharing this AED Month-long journey with you. I have curiosity of what will transpire throughout the move and my increased access to my art supplies, many of which are stored at my parents' house in New York. I also look forward to seeing what others are creating for this month (and beyond).

Cheers,

Melissa

i'm floating on air not smog

Glancing back, I notice that many of my recent posts have been quite lighthearted. I attribute this to being in a good place in my mind. I know moving is stressful....this is move eight in six years...but I just feel wonderfully calm. There are a lot of things contributing to this. It could be because this move should settle us in one place for the next few years. Relocating closer to family and friends, as well as career opportunities opening up to me adds to this. Being in a healthy relationship helps. I am sure being in touch with my creative side is being a stabilizing force as well. Embracing change is joyous to me. Whatever else contributes to the lightheartedness, you, dear readers, will just have to deal!

Enjoy the ride.
Sincerely,
The Pilot

here we grow

tree at night
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

And now, more about the changes I have been alluding to. As mentioned earlier, we let the landlord know we will not be renewing our lease. The reason for this is that we are moving back to New York. As much as I am tired of moving (number 8, baby!), this move is incredibly exciting. Since we both grew up there, we have many more connections to jobs. (Unfortunately, the job growth in Rhode Island has been slim and the predictable future outlook is bleak. Heck, I applied for many a second job to no avail since moving here.) Plus, Greg is going to be studying for his Master's in acupuncture and we will be in driving distance of many of the important people in our lives.

In the process, we just finished penning our resignation letters for our current jobs and will submit them tomorrow. We have found an apartment that rocks and are in the process of getting approved to move in there. (If we get this apartment, I will need to expand on the strangeness surrounding it.) I have begun the application and interview process to find a new job.

We are very busy, but I love change! And having Groovy by my side keeps a smile on my face through it all.

Cheers,
Melissa

part 1

Change is coming round real soon: We gave notice to our landlord that we will not be renewing our lease on December 1st.

what to color my life with?

pastels
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I am standing on the precipice. Tomorrow is the commencement of stepping off the ledge into change. This is a good thing. I find change exhilarating and life affirming. Change is inevitable and a part of existence. Now, please understand, I never jump into things willy-nilly, without meticulous planning and foresight. I am not into driving head first into a brick wall. Conversely, I also believe in a level of healthy risk taking. I will write more details soon but for now, I am picking up the magenta crapas and coloring the canvas.

dealing with my demon roller coaster

dealing with my demons 2
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Warning: no fun or humor in this. This is one of those, raw, honest, admit your faults, let yourself be vulnerable type of posts.

I am going to be a good therapist and preface this with a disclaimer. I am not diagnosed Bipolar (I or II), cyclothymic, dysthymic, or any DSM category. I am not depressed to the point of any self-harm or even harmful thoughts for that matter. I am not self diagnosing nor am going to write any diagnostic criteria here. I am not seeking out sympathy or pity. My intention is to step out of my area of comfort and express my thoughts and feelings with all their dings and dents. Even though I know you all read this through your own filters, expectations and assumptions of me and in relation to your own personal experiences, I will try to be as authentic as I can on here.

This is where I am at currently. I struggle most days with extreme dichotomies. The mood swings within myself rapid cycle throughout the day. Small things (or sometimes nothing at all) can trigger depressed feelings and thoughts. Other things tap into my elation and joy quickly (again, not in a bipolar way, it is comparatively subtle and not to such extremes). One minute I am filled with motivation, the next anxiety. I am acutely aware of how each mood, each change and each experience manifests in my mind and body. Awareness is what prevents me from directly and outwardly expressing my states of mind. I know that my energy affects whoever is around and I do my best to keep it under control so as to not harm anyone around me (by "harm", I mean upset or bringing them down).

Yesterday, one swing hit me so swiftly, that I removed myself from the room I was in with Greg. He is one of the last people I would ever want to cause harm to; One of the most important people in my life. I took some space, used distraction along with deep breathing and was able to let it pass. I then reassured him that it had nothing to do with him. He voiced his concern, but I also let him know that it's my "own shit". Even though I have some wonderful, loving and supportive people in my life, I do not like burdening friends and family with my issues.

I am keenly aware of where many of my problems stem from. Our pasts have an impact on our present and mine is no exception. Repeated disappointments and hurts bring up fear of those scenarios recurring. Fear of not ever having important things happen in my life, such as having a child or getting married, creeps into my thoughts with the littlest triggers. Being hard on myself for things like not yet having my PhD or owning a house shadows the accomplishments I have obtained. Perhaps the most difficult part is the recognition that such thoughts are irrational. Of course, I am also cognizant that feelings are valid no matter how irrational they may be. On the flip side, a single thought about any of the wonderful people in my life or bringing my awareness to one of my strengths can send me soaring into bliss and elation.

What else affects my mood? I have noticed how my hormones can flip it rapidly. How I nourish my body and chose to move it around helps or hinders my state of mind. Being cooped up in the apartment is the perfect canvas for seeing the changes. Even though I cherish my alone time, the lack of human contact brings me down and then I start isolating even more. My bad habit of nail biting (something I've done since, well, since I've had nails) has recently worsened with increased anxiety.

I am doing things and planning other steps that will hopefully help alleviate or lessen the experience I am having:

This week, I got back on track with my eating and have started implementing an at least 50% raw foods per day diet. I can feel the difference already. I am not getting energy crashes or that heavy feeling after eating. I feel satisfied but not stuffed. I even look forward to my morning fruit smoothies!

I started getting more active again, adding exercise to my days. I plan on restarting yoga daily, even if it is only a few sun salutations.

If my insurance covers it, I will go talk to a therapist for a couple sessions. (Yes, even therapists rely on therapists at times.)

I will continue my weekly acupuncture. Luckily, Providence has a community clinic which is extremely affordable. After all of these years, I continue to be amazed at what acupuncture can do for mind, body and spirit.

I will find the time to clean my nails up and be as conscious as possible of when I am inflicting damage to my fingers. Awareness, awareness, awareness.

I will privately journal my thoughts, especially my negative ones, in order to aide in work through them or, at the very least, get them out of my head.

Sleep is important. Plus I love to dream. Getting enough sleep is already a priority, I just need to keep it up.

Counting my blessings. I do this all the time, but sometimes they are overshadowed by the self-defeating, beat-myself-up-for-not-having-accomplished-more thoughts. Perhaps this point should be "get my negative thinking in check".

Purging through my stuff (actual things....and I guess mental stuff) will help clear my mind. My living space both affects my mood and my mood affects my space. This can be a vicious cycle if entropy is allowed to work on either.

Before ending this blog, I also want to apologize to friends that I have been neglecting to call. Sometimes I feel the need to step back from people when I am in certain states of mind in order to process through what is going on. It just gets too overwhelming and I know if I get on the phone, I will just stuff things down and numb myself out, which, in turn, makes me feel like I have nothing to talk about. (This is something I am historically adept at and something I am trying to change). Give me time with this one.

What a bummer of a blog, eh? Well, there are those sides of me that aren't so pretty and even one or two that I don't find any humor in. As I scribe this, I am aware that my mood has been inconsistent but not overly drastic. I am feeling a wee bit better after writing, but it is time for me now to get ready for bed, finish reading my book and do some deep breathing. Thanks for reading this all the way through, you're a trooper! I'll write my next entry when I'm manic. ha ha ha

a room with a view inside

I keep having dreams about studio apartments. Three of them in the past four nights. The dreams appear in real life color and there is ample space in each of them.

Out of all of the abodes I have resided in, only one was a studio apartment. It was very small but wonderful with a huge closet and a retro kitchen on one wall. Located in the historic district of Boulder, Colorado, it consisted of one room on the top floor of an old house. My window faced the backyard and alley. Not a city alley, but a dirt road that runs behind some residential houses where driveways, garages and garbage cans are. I had one particular squirrel who would climb on my screen everyday in hopes of some handouts. Since I am a pushover for cute furry vagrants, he ate well. I shared a bathroom with a 20-something triathlete who wasn't around much. Downstairs in the two larger units were Carrie Jo, a Canadian performing arts major, and Miss Sis (Betsy), a world-wise massage therapist with many stories to tell. Most evenings, Carrie Jo, Miss Sis and I would spend our evenings sipping wine, laughing and telling tales of life and (occasionally) debauchery. Those were wonderful times spent with some wonderful women!

I had moved into this home when my relationship with A ended. I was struggling with change and, being in Naropa's graduate program for Transpersonal Counseling Psychology, was already peeling open the layers of my psyche in my processing classes. I was raw and vulnerable and trying to figure out what exactly the meaning home was. My room at my parents' house now contained some of my grandmother's furniture. I no longer resided with A and our dog. I was living 2000 miles from New York and only had my friends from school around me. It was difficult but in the process of finding this place, signing the month-to-month lease and experiencing living there, I came to the conclusion that, for me, home is within me and yet it is so much more. It is a feeling of comfort that I can hold myself in. It is having a loving family and circle of friends that are always there even when you do not get to speak that often. It is in a space that just feels right; a corner of the world that is uniquely mine. It is also what I can share with Greg, with my family, with friends and even with the occasional acquaintance through a simple smile or kind word. I have taken that feeling with me and hold it close to my heart always.

As I have been mentioning, changes are inevitable and currently looming large. Tied in to these dreams of apartments is our meditating on what to do now that our lease is coming to an end. I just know that if we move to another apartment, home will come with us. Of course, I'm hoping home will also be larger than a studio apartment physically. And I know, without a doubt, it will continue to grow larger in my heart. Home, sweet home.