next week

I will be taking the week off from work commencing next Monday. Here is my tentative plan:

exploring local hiking trails
taking a yoga class or two
resting
letting Sherman hop around my feet
reading
creating art
writing
clearing my mind
deep breathing
prepping the garden and sowing seeds
laughing

Anyone care to join me?

changing "growls" to "om"

The feeling of disconnect is prevalent in my World lately. Mainly stemming from the misalignment of my neck and subsequent shoulder pain, I am incredibly "off." Feelings of exhaustion due to lack of quality sleep on top of the physical discomfort is taking it's toll. Every day is a challenge to get through as I simply do not function well on little sleep.

Tuesday involved a trip to the doctor but there was not much he could do for me because my insurance only covers chest x-rays. (Great insurance, huh? Good thing I did not go in with a broken bone or I would have been s.o.l. The doc actually advised me to go elsewhere if I ever break my leg.) I suggested he have the technician do a chest x-ray with bad aim but, dang it, he would not go for it. Since this is a recurrent problem he wants me to go see an orthopedist who, presumably, will be able to x-ray and see what is going on inside me. Now, I am just waiting for the referral. Patience, patient!

In the meantime, I am continuing my daily yoga practice with careful diligence. I continue to (try to) focus on staying grounded, but this is not always easy. Perhaps, taking some vacation days from work in order to recharge is in order. Perhaps a visit to my acupuncturist or massage therapist would be helpful. Yes, I think it is indeed time. Time to ratchet up the self care until I can get realigned.

dear dr schnookleheimer

Here's a letter and response from the "Dear Prudence" column and I just had to add my two cents at the bottom. Read on:

Mr. Right Is Never Wrong My genius boyfriend wins every argument, and I'm sick of it.

Posted Thursday, Oct. 16, 2008, at 6:57 AM ET

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s and have been dating for three years. We have a really strong relationship in almost every way, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. But here's the rub: My boyfriend is a genius. In so many ways, I love this about him. He challenges me to think about things, I am constantly learning, and he is always honest and rational. Unfortunately, these last two qualities have caused a bit of strain. I consider myself a very intelligent person also—nowhere near his level, but I've always felt confident academically. This sometimes takes a hit when I am around him. I rarely win arguments because I simply can't keep up with him. In matters of politics or world issues, this can be frustrating, but it doesn't really raise my ire. However, sometimes his argumentative style and calculating rationale are applied to our relationship. In many situations, I feel as though I am the one who has to compromise because he always wins the argument. I know my positions are reasonable, but I just can't articulate them as well as he does. I have talked to my boyfriend about this, but I think he has a hard time seeing my point of view—that though my feelings may not always be logical or rational, they are still valid. Am I being unreasonable for wanting a little bit of slack, or should I just accept that I'm dating Dr. Manhattan and let it go?

—In Love With a Super Computer

Dear In Love,
Did you conclude on your own that your boyfriend is a genius, or is this one of the things he had to articulate to poor, dumb you? I don't know what his IQ is, but his emotional intelligence comes in somewhere around "dolt." I'll take your word that you're dating a virtual Einstein, but take mine that he's an arrogant twit who's got you confusing bullying for brilliance. It's also possible he has some kind of disorder that leaves him unable to process the feelings of others. If so, he should be seeking help, or else he is destined to go through life alienating co-workers, friends, and loved ones like you. Actually, you might want to examine why you have spent three years being told by Mr. Spock that what you say has no validity because it lacks rationality. Mr. Spock and Dr. Manhattan are effective characters because while they seem human, their lack of emotion and empathy means they aren't quite. So give your mastermind a copy of Emotional Intelligence and tell him it's about a subject in which he's deficient, but it's important for the two of you that he learn.

—Prudie

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear In Love,

While everybody has their strengths, they also have their weaknesses. A boyfriend who does not validate your views and feelings is nothing more than an insecure and covertly mentally abusive individual. A love partner should not make you feel inferior even when their strength in one particular area is better than yours.

It is not possible that his side of EVERY disagreement is the right one. That is not realistically nor statistically possible. When a person is made to feel "wrong" all the time, they eventually stop bothering, begin to self doubt and their self esteem lessens.

A loving person does not flaunt their strengths and invalidate their partners. A loving person accepts the differences in the one they love, supports their partner's strengths and both encourages and supports them in improving their weak spots (in a loving, non-condescending way).

Here are some things to consider:

Does he constantly surround himself only with people who "blow smoke up his ass"?

Does he insult, put down, or point out the flaws of those who are not "blowing smoke" or (worse) are challenging his views?

Do your family and friends dislike him or merely tolerate him because you love him?

Does he always make excuses or declines activities and celebrations when it involves your friends and family?

Does he fail to acknowledge or praise you on anything you do?

Does he rarely compliment you?

Does he not encourage you to pursue your own goals and dreams if it does not involve him?

Does he belittle your goals or imply that they are not important?

Does he lie to others to make himself look better?

Does he try to convince you that your friends or family are not worth being around?

Does he seek attention (covertly or overtly) from other women?

If you want to talk about something he's done wrong, does he turn it around to somehow be your fault?

Do you find yourself having to continuously point out his good points to friends and family to explain why you are with him?

Is your self esteem even slightly lower than when you started dating him?

Would you be unhappy if, ten years from now, he still is not validating your feelings and continues to treat you the exact same way?

As a therapist and someone who has dated a guy with these traits, I think it is valid for me to say: If you answered yes to even one of these questions, run! Any of these on top of what you have already described is an unhealthy relationship with an insecure individual that will likely end up hurting your own self esteem.

You are worthy of being treated with respect and love. You are worthy being in a relationship that enhances who you are and your views and feelings are, not only validated, but encouraged.

—Dr Schnookleheimer

(More on finding maitri)

spin's baa-aack!

20.365
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Woke up this morning and it was back.

The spinning room.
The tilting floor.
The nausea.

ugh

I had to call in sick (and I have no sick time yet) and hit the walk in clinic today. (Due to some sort of screw up with my health insurance not starting when it was supposed to.)
The doc drugged me up to deal with inner ear problems due to seasonal allergies (Yay! Welcome back to Long Island and the horrific allergens, Melissa.)

At this point, I'll take what I have to in order to stop the room from spinning and making me want to yack.

It's an inner ear thing like I had suspected a couple of weeks ago. This will likely be a reoccurring issue. GRRRRRR!!!! Long Island has horrible allergen levels and we live in a basement apartment (double whammy).

I am going to have to get crazy consistent with the neti pot once the meds are done, and try to be more diligent with avoiding possible foods that can exasperate the problem.

Nothing like a few good bouts with vertigo to get one's butt in gear towards better self care.

reignition

flame
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Reigniting the flame and actively searching for the passion that fuels my soul. I have signed up for a couple of art classes at the local college. I have really come around full circle considering I originally was an art major, but changed my major during the first semester of college.

I have no complaints where my educational path has taken me, for I love learning and I love my work as a therapist. There has just been something missing for a very long time, and that is my art.

I am feeling the dichotomy between extreme excitement of learning and creating again, and complete terror of disappointing myself. The disappointment may take the form of realizing I have gotten so rusty on my skills that I create utter and total crap or realizing that I should not have let this part of me go without nurturing for so long. Possibly both.

But I am doing it, diving in head first without a helmet and seeing what transpires.

lump in my throat

lump in my throat
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I spend an inordinate amount of time in my thoughts and not enough time experiencing the sensations and signals that my body is giving me. In the past this trait was much more prevalent, but over time I learned to listen very closely. During graduate school, we were required by the program to experience thirty hours of private therapy. I chose a Gestalt therapist ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_therapy ) because it utilizes present awareness and some mind-body work. This definitely help hone my awareness of where emotions manifest in my body.

During times of sadness, anxiety, fear and stress, I tend to hold my emotions in the base of my throat. I can only describe the sensation as having a dense foam ball the size on a large orange stuffed in there. At times it forces my emotions down and numbs them out for self preservation. Other times, usually when experiencing anxiety, I feel like I cannot scream, speak or express myself.

My Gestalt therapist back in Colorado would have me focus on the sensation, stay with it and experience it without judgement. Inevitably, it is emotionally painful, but not unbearable. It has been wonderfully therapeutic to work through the sensation and not allow it to numb the emotions out.

I occasionally have this lump sensation and this week, I am experiencing it again. My awareness brings me to realize that there are multiple triggers for it this time, but the main one is how slow the State is in assigning my permit number.

For months now, this process creeped along like molasses running down the side of a cold jar. I spoke to them on Monday April 28th and they explained that my education was approved. I inquired if that means I qualify for the permit, to which she explained that it does, but will take some time for the secretary to get everything in order and get the number assigned. Okay, so how long should I expect this step to take? She said I should expect to hear from them in five to ten days.

Apparently, I should have inquired if that meant consecutive days. I called yesterday and no progress has been made. She said I can call again on Friday.

So here I sit, with lots of student loans and a great job offer, and I cannot do anything until the State catalogs me and stamps a number on my head. I am saddened, I am frustrated, I am occasionally numbing out, but I am looking for the lesson in this all. I certainly have learned extreme patience and acceptance of what I am powerless over. I have been reminded that I am not defined by what others do or do not do. I have recognized my integrity by not taking a permanent job that I would knowingly bail out on when my number is assigned.

My sense is that there is more to be learned here, and I will keep my heart, mind and body open to what lesson is lurking below the surface. You see, I have learned also that the lessons are there if we open up to them.

I will breathe through the lump, it will not suffocate me or keep my silent. I will even go to the mountains and scream from them if that is what I need. But first, I will experience the sensation for all it's lumpy goodness.

insert alarm clock buzzing here.

Is it morning already??!?! But, maaaaaa, I don't wanna go to school today (sulk sulk). Sigh. I'm tired. Damn tired. One and a half cups of coffee so far, and, oddly enough, a cheese and mustard sandwich for breakfast (!!!) I just could not do "sweet" this morning. Hopefully, the caffeine will kick in any minute now.......

I am not one who has my day determined by what my horoscope says, but they are fun to read. My favorite daily horoscope is on MyYahoo. It is usually more like a sound bit of daily reminders to start my day off. Here is today's:

"There will be a pause in the action today -- you have a lot of momentum going on in various projects right now, but it's time for patience, not for progress. Slowing down will give you a chance to kick off your shoes, sit down and get comfortable. Work on learning how to accept the fact that you can't always have things happen as quickly as you think you want them to. The universe has a different speed in mind for you, and it's liberating to just go with it.

Don't worry, Universe, my mantra as of late is still "patience pays".

sick day

I rarely call in sick to work, but today I did. After four nights of horrible sleep, I woke up feeling headache-y (probably a combination of sinus/caffeine withdrawal), achy joints (common when I am dehydrated) and still very tired. I decided to take the day for a few reasons. First, I have over 45 hours of sick time accrued (told you I rarely call in sick, never at this job). I try to live as healthy a lifestyle as possible so (knock on wood) I rarely get ill. Second, when I am feeling "off", my anxiety level raises which suppresses the immune system more. Not a good combination indeed. And lastly, I don't want to end up extremely sick.

After my experience at the end of grad school, I am leery of not taking care of myself and that snowballing into being physically and mentally incapacitated for an extended period of time. I was working on my thesis and finishing up my last semester when I had gotten a cold. Typically colds run the course of moving either up or down: head, then to the throat and finally the chest, or vice-versa. Well, due to extreme exhaustion, stress and lack of sleep, that cold kept ping-ponging around my body and that in combination with the intensity of grad school resulted in me having extreme anxiety. Luckily, with some good doctors and medications, I was able to finish up the semester and my thesis, ween off the meds and rest up.

We learn from the past, don't we? I try to stay very aware of what my body is telling me and I do not want this to lead to being really ill. So, here I sit, at home trying to figure out my plan of attack for the day. I want my day to include: (1) Rest - I don't anticipate sleep, but I want to take it easy and do some self care. (2) Acupuncture - Luckily, I have an appointment already this evening. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks, so I am sure that alone has aided with my "off-ness". (3) Organizing - I find when my space is organized, I feel a heck of a lot better in general. (4) Gardening - I want to separate and re-pot some of the plants. I'm thinking of putting some out on the balcony to see how much better they grow. I don't know that they will get much more light than in our kitchen window, but I'm willing to try. Getting my hands in the dirt is good for my soul.

On a side note, I have also been considering weeding the small city tree bed in front of the apartment. I'm tired of this place looking kind of ghetto/white trashy because the landlord does not have things kept up to the level that I would like. The extended balcony rails that were installed three months ago are still unpainted and the weeds around the front and side are out of hand. Of course, the amount of money he takes in from the four rental units should be enough for him to keep things nicer. Perhaps, he doesn't even realize or maybe he does not care. He is rather young, but if he's taken on the responsibilities of landlord, he should keep the place up fully, right?

I debate making a complaint, but part of me wants to pull the weeds myself. I think we should inquire about the painting though. If he got the supplies, I wouldn't mind painting with a little discount on the rent. I should pose the idea. Other than these minor things (and not having a yard), I don't have much to complain about living here. Other tenants are reasonably quiet, there's a good amount of space and we like the location. It is suitable until we figure out where we may want to buy a house.

Anyway, today is about self care, and I intend on treating myself with loving kindness. What do you do when having an "off" day? How do you prevent having an off day in the first place? Share you thoughts with me.