i love being the newbie

"Gotta take the first step"

I love trying new things. There is something about the energy that gets sparked in my soul and keeps life from getting stagnant that makes me want to seek out the next thing in which I can be a newbie. I like to keep a list of things to try. In general, this list is quite long. The time has come once again to create and examine my options.

Some previous goals can be revisited:
Taking a new art class
Training for a 10K (this time not concurrent with writing a thesis)
Taking violin lessons
Relearning Yang style short form tai chi
Getting back out on both the skateboard and inline skates to learn new tricks

Some new things to try:
Learning wood working/furniture building
Learning a new form of martial arts
Writing an academic journal article
Trying rock climbing
Learning how to fly on a trapeze (there's a local school. for real)
Learning some BMX tricks

Some goals are minor:
Learning recipes that use coconut oil (yum!)
Adding weekly weight training to my fitness regime
Getting to bed an hour earlier on most nights

Some goals are lofty:
Get my PhD
Restore a car myself

This list is not all inclusive and I am always open to suggestions. Please leave a comment with some ideas, no matter how minor, offbeat, practical or outlandish. What new things have you tried?

dresses

dress
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I am the younger of two children, having an older brother. From what my mother told me, her and my father waited for our births to find out our sexes. After I was born, the obstetrician told my mother, "you got what you wanted!"

Here I was all new and pink. My mom's new little girl. I wonder if that day over 35 years ago, my mother had known she really got a rough and tumble tomboy. I loved sports, played in the mud, and climbed trees. As a matter of fact, I still do these things. In high school, I embraced the black, baggy uniform of a teen punk complete with army issue combat boots or my ox blood Doc's. As a 20-something bartender/industrial club goer overalls and boots were very convenient. Heck, I was not going out to meet guys, I was going to dance hard and hang out with my friends. (Oddly enough, this "aloof" attitude got me hit on a lot back then.)

Despite all this, I know there is a feminine, graceful woman inside this shell that prefers hikes to beaches and umbrella drinks. This weekend I tried an experiment: Girly Clothes.

Dresses, newly acquired and flowery. And not because I had a dress up occasion. Just because I wanted to wear them. To my surprise, it felt nice. So much so, I want to dress this way more often. And I think I will.

Mind you, I will need to keep a change of clothing with me at all times, because you never know when I might come across a good climbing tree. And really, a lady would not moon the neighborhood.

insert alarm clock buzzing here.

Is it morning already??!?! But, maaaaaa, I don't wanna go to school today (sulk sulk). Sigh. I'm tired. Damn tired. One and a half cups of coffee so far, and, oddly enough, a cheese and mustard sandwich for breakfast (!!!) I just could not do "sweet" this morning. Hopefully, the caffeine will kick in any minute now.......

I am not one who has my day determined by what my horoscope says, but they are fun to read. My favorite daily horoscope is on MyYahoo. It is usually more like a sound bit of daily reminders to start my day off. Here is today's:

"There will be a pause in the action today -- you have a lot of momentum going on in various projects right now, but it's time for patience, not for progress. Slowing down will give you a chance to kick off your shoes, sit down and get comfortable. Work on learning how to accept the fact that you can't always have things happen as quickly as you think you want them to. The universe has a different speed in mind for you, and it's liberating to just go with it.

Don't worry, Universe, my mantra as of late is still "patience pays".

ring it in

Here we are, folks, in a new year. 2008. Write your checks correctly. I rang in the new year similar to last...with a wicked cold making my nose all snuffily and my body achy. Sat on the couch wrapped in a warm new christmas gift blanket (thanks Paul and Joanne!!!), sweatshirt and scarf lovingly knitted by Greg :). As my Italian grandmother always did, we had money in our hands at the stroke of midnight to welcome prosperity into our lives. This year I additionally held some Emergen-C, a piece of paper with a heart and a polished stone. Wealth, Health, Love and being grounded.

Since I make a habit of setting goals for myself throughout the year, I do not come up with New Year's Resolutions. I prefer instead let go of things from the previous year. I learned this tradition from a peer of mine that studied at Naropa University. Her name is Sonny and she is a Lakota Indian, an amazing woman, a survivor and a beautiful person all around. Since ritual and tradition can be an important component of well being, she shared with the class a tradition that her tribe practices. Keep in mind, I am not versed in Lakota tradition so this is a very abridged version. Basically what we did was write down things from the previous year that we want to let go. This is personal and not shared with anyone. We then burned the paper and the idea is that the things we want to let go of goes up with the smoke and a Lakota spirit (an eagle, I believe) flies down and takes them away. You then bury the ashes in soil and grow a plant or flower in it. Then you can move into the new year letting go of the things that hold you back and something new grows from the intention. Having done this a couple of times, I find it very freeing and a ritual I plan on doing again this week. I have used this also when I was going through some difficult times. My mother had come to Colorado to stay with me for a few days for support. I shared this idea with her and we did the ritual ourselves. We then added writing down what we wish for each other in the coming year. Truly helpful indeed.

Whatever you want to work towards in 2008 or let go of from the past, I wish you all Health, Wealth, Love and a Sense of Groundedness.

Namaste, Shanti and Cheers,

Melissa

thoughts without a thinker

I've been thinking a lot about things lately; more so then usual. I've been thinking a lot about my grandmother...how she lived so long on her own, independent, self sufficient and full of life....how she moved into assistant living and had to be put in the Alzheimer's unit, not because she has Alzheimer's but because she kept leaving the building unassisted in an attempt to walk the un-walkable distance to my parents' house. I've been thinking about what goes on in her mind now that she does not reportedly recognize any of us any more. I think about how, between her moments of fear, she still has moments where her smile beams and her face lights up. I wonder if she has memories from this life or if she is very much in the here and now, and is perhaps feeling Zen-like without even trying. I wonder if my grandfather is watching over her, waiting for her to embrace her again. I wonder if she has moments where she sees angels preparing her to be ready to move on and be free from the physical that is slowly failing her. I wonder, when I helped her sit in my mother's car to take her home and I told her I love her and kissed her soft cheek, if she sensed how much I truly love her.

I've been thinking about how difficult this is for my mother; the strong woman who takes everything on with little support, less help and even less complaining. I wonder what I can do to take some of the pain away from her. I wonder where she gets her strength from. I wonder if she knows how much I admire her and am grateful that she is my mother. I think about how much my grandfather is probably surrounding her with love and support since he is definitely her guardian angel.

I wonder if I can get my shit together or at least temporarily pack it aside in order to be more present in what is going on with both of them. I think about doing all that I can to not have any regrets like the one I have from when my "2nd mother" passed away. It is not so much a regret, as it was a lost opportunity.

I have been thinking about love and family. I have been thinking about life and the future. I have been remembering joyful memories. I have been thinking about marriage and children. I have been pondering the differences and similarities between giving up and letting go. And I have come to the conclusion that I am enough, no matter what I am and where I am at.

put the needle on the record

The title and this picture really have little to do with the content I am about to share. I was using twisted marketing ploys to grab the reader's attention. Are you intrigued? Well then, read on my minions........................

Sorry, feeling incongruously goofy tonight. Anyway, what I really want to write about is my experience with acupuncture in general and specifically my session today. Quite a few years back, and for reasons I choose not to write about here, I decided to try acupuncture. I went to a sweet and gentle practitioner on Stony Brook Road, not too far from my home town. I had always been partial to alternative/complementary medicines, but I entered into this experience with an open mind with no expectations. Once the numerous needles were inserted, the kind doctor left the room with the simple instruction to relax and she would check in on me later. The door gently closed behind her and, try as I may, I attempted to enjoy the soft music being piped in. Being who I am, my monkey-mind kept chattering and chattering for a solid ten minutes, thinking about what I "should" be feeling, where I had to go after this appointment, do I have enough money to go out tonight, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... Then suddenly and without warning, my chatter monkey hushed and every ounce of tension melted out of my body. I can only describe it as if there was a sheet of silk that landed daintily over my body and as it touched me any physical discomfort dissipated. I have been hooked on the needles ever since.

At different times in my life, I have received Traditional Chinese acupuncture (TC) and Five Element. My body seems to react better, quicker and more effectively to TC. Being conscious of money but wanting to find an able practitioner of TC acupuncture in RI, I had someone recommend a clinic that offers sessions on a sliding scale ($20-40, pay what you can!!!), but it is set up in a traditional Chinese clinic fashion. Instead of having a private room, there are a few tables and reclining chairs in three separate but open rooms. In essence, they can charge much less than a standard acupuncture session because they treat multiple clients at once. People are scheduled appointments starting at fifteen minute intervals and you can be treated for as short or as long as you need. Sometimes there is no one else in the room with you, other times you may have up to three others. The acupuncturist lets you relax until you feel your session is complete (she checks in the rooms regularly).

Though nervous for my first appointment, since this model was new to me, I quickly began enjoying being able to have an individual yet shared energy experience. Each time I have an appointment I never know what it will be like. Sometimes I drift out of my conscious and into a dreamlike state. Sometimes it fells very somatic and "buzzy". There are times I am aware of blockages in my meridians and can feel the energy serge when it frees up. Sometimes the needles hit a nerve when they enter my skin and that stinging subsides in a few seconds. There have been sessions where I am pleasantly aware of the other people in the room and can ponder our shared experience. Often this is extremely humbling and grounding. Today, I felt something entirely different, new and a bit disturbing.

I had arrived in the parking lot a quarter-hour ahead of schedule so, as I usually do, I spent those minutes relaxing in my car (today it was listening to music and singing). For some reason, I felt like just going home and skipping out. I knew I would not leave, so I just observed the sensation in my gut. After a few deep breaths, I stepped out of my car, into the rain and across the small parking lot to the building. After greeting the acupuncturist, Kris, I felt markedly better. I scheduled my appointment for next week, paid my measly $20, choose a chair in the front room where two other women were already being treated and discussed what I was going on for me this week. Kris worked her needle magic, about ten or so points, and I took a deep breath, got comfy and closed my eyes.

The beginning of the treatment I observed that, contrary to my usual points of blocked sensation (my left arm), all the points except my left arm seemed to have a funky, kind of achy-zappy thing happening. No big deal. A short time later, the one woman to my right had finished and left, leaving me and the other woman in the opposite corner of the room. At that point, I noticed my breathing which normally becomes quite slow and melodic, became a "hot breath" that I could only sense moving from my upper palette and out the top of my nostrils. This was odd. My right arm twitched at unusual intervals. I felt anger and hatred, but it didn't feel like it was from within me; I can only explain it as above me (supine) and over my heart center and my upper palette. I felt an imaginary shrill scream (this was a sensation, not any actual noise) coming out from in front of my tonsils and upper palette. It was not in any quality of my voice but seemingly coming from me. I was "screaming" at the other woman to "Get out! Get out! Get out! Just fucking get out!" I wanted to push her, shove her out of the room. This sensation felt horrible to be experiencing. This was not out of any real feeling of anger, it was more of wanting this horrific feeling to cease. I didn't understand it (and still don't) but I observed it. I found it slightly frightening and disheartening, but it was what I was experiencing and I do not judge it. I also felt a far off energy embracing me and keeping me safe, but it was still scary in a sense. Luckily, this woman finished up and left before I couldn't take any more.

The cool, rainy air enter briefly as she passed through the door to leave and, as it shut behind her, the sensations and screaming ceased. The rest of the session was rather relaxing and enjoyable, and I was able to feel complete before I had Kris take the needles out. This was truly an unusual experience and I have no idea what to make of it.

marching red

While at home working on some projects, I heard faint marching band music in a tune I did not recognize growing louder. Peering out of my red blinds, I noticed a parade of some sort traversing up my street. I grabbed the camera and headed out to the balcony to discover some sort of Portuguese organizations (I believe) walking in step to the drum, displaying beautiful red, gold and white flags and pillows, many of which adorned with crowns and white doves. Some of the robust people wore beautiful red capes, some carried three red or white candled candelabras, others carrying silver or gold crowns adorned with flowers. It was a wonderful moment to share in this parade regardless of my ignorance of the significance. The somber music, the beautiful ethnic faces, the children being carried in the arms of adoring parents and everyone dressed to the nines. Even the guy we call Silent Bob, that hangs around the mart across the way playing Keno, was cleaned up and looking his best. The thing that grabbed me the most was the red....the color that sparks so much in me.

It is amazing how you can feel part of something just by simply standing on the sidelines and taking it all in through the eyes and ears, and capturing a moment that I don't fully understand in pictures.