hair

I have been pondering my hair lately. Not in a narcissistic "nothings more beautiful than naturally curly hair" sense, more in a what does my hairs means to me? Being a curly girl to a straight-hair mother, my early dealings with hair included being secured by my mothers legs so she could hold me still enough to tackle the mass of knotty curls. Pig tails and braids were (and to some extent still are) a long haired curly girls salvation. No More Tangles was a god-send. I adored my braids with the red yarn bows tied at the bottom.
Adolescence, a difficult and awkward stage in many a child's life, was even more difficult because I did not have the hair I wanted. Hello 80s, I want feathered tresses! Alas, that is not what my hair wanted to do.

High school was when I started using my hair as a tool. Right eye? I had one but it was hidden under my "freak punk chick" hair. And I grew it long. Really long. Of course, when the curls sproing up, the length could not be appreciated, but I knew it was down to my backside. My hair became entertainment for my best friend in our tediously dry English class. (How many times can I get the chills from Bernadette stretching and boinging my curls?)

College (the first time around) was when I truly began to appreciate and learn to work with my curls, and I grew to love them. I started attracting much positivity for the amount of tresses that cascaded down my back. Friends protested every time I stated I was thinking of cutting it.

Suddenly, there came a time that I realized I was being identified too much by, and hiding behind, my hair. It was time for it to go. Finally, I went from that super-long to shoulder length. A weight was lifted, figuratively and literally, from my shoulders. The hair that was cumbersome and often out of control, was now quicker to wash and simpler to brush. I felt free.

As the years have passed, my hair has taken on many variations. I symbolically cut it a few years back to let go of the past and once again feel free. Now, I am symbolically growing it again. With good nutrition and lots of care, my hair has grown considerably.

What does it means to me today? It means I am embracing all that is me. I have reconnected with my true self in so many ways and the long curly locks represent this process.


(I have no recent photos but it is time to take out the camera again. Perhaps a new, long haired pic will follow shortly.)

the karaoke cure

Lately, there have been many thoughts running through my mind but none of them wanted to come out in a blog post. However, one thing that is begging attention today is reconnecting with my uninhibited, outgoing self. (Oh, I have missed you so!)

Throughout much of my life, I walked with the confidence as a sure kid/teen/woman, easily talking to people I did not know, engaging in activities that garnered attention and freely expressing myself artistically and intellectually without pause. This has always brought joy and excitement to my soul. I approached tasks and endeavors with vim and passion. Challenging tasks were like crack to me.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I ventured away from this vital part of me. Fortunately, I reignited the pilot light this past weekend. How? Oddly enough: karaoke. Before singing, my inner dialogue went something like this:

"Okay, Melissa, look at the song list and maybe feigning interest will make you blend in and go unnoticed that you don't actually get up and sing."

"Unnoticed??!! You'll look so interested that someone is going to make you get up! What are you so afraid of? You used to do theatre, remember?"

"Of course I remember! The memories intact, it's just the stage freight that we never had back then has accumulated and is rearing it's ugly head now."

"Wimp! Even if you totally suck, it's more about having fun. You do remember fun, right?"

"Alright, screw it. I'm going in. **insert semi-palatable belted out karaoke song here** Hey, that wasn't so bad! It was (dare I say?) exhilarating!"

"See? You really have to stop being such a wallflower, because face it, deep down you are a loud, boisterous, life-filled beam of light! Let it shine, sister, let it shine!"

--end of internal dialogue--

This three minutes of unbridled karaoke crooning got me to thinking about how to truly delve back into the authenticity of myself.

Today I vow to simply be me.
Today I conquer self-created fear.
Today I nourish the self emotionally, artistically and with utter self-kindness.
Today,
I sing!

art, music, movement

I find deep inspiration in experiencing (viewing, watching, hearing) passionate creative individuals demonstrating their crafts. Every time I hear musicians' melodies in my ears, watch the strength and fluidity of bodies in motion or view artists' creations my heart swells and my soul dances.

I believe we all have a musician, dancer and artist inside of us. Mine get sparked by viewing others who embody these parts fully in themselves. Recently I have been pondering what would happen if I begin to tap into each of these parts in myself. Will they work in harmony? Will they compete for attention? Will they create a fuller me? Will they distract from each other? Will each one enhance the others or be their cheering section? Will stimulating all of these parts in me create such joy that I burst?

The time feels right to explore the possibilities and answer these questions and more.

Now this is maitri.

what if..

186.365 what if..
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

...there was no limit to your potential?

What if you did not stand in your own way?

What if your personal resources were endless?

What if you start today?

What if you didn't have any critics, external or internal?

What if you "threw caution to the wind"?

What if you fail?

What if you succeed?

What if you simply took a chance?

What if you lived without regret?

What if you went someplace that scared you?

What if you kept a glimmer of hope?

What if...

...your life is truly lived?

dear dr schnookleheimer

Here's a letter and response from the "Dear Prudence" column and I just had to add my two cents at the bottom. Read on:

Mr. Right Is Never Wrong My genius boyfriend wins every argument, and I'm sick of it.

Posted Thursday, Oct. 16, 2008, at 6:57 AM ET

Dear Prudence,
My boyfriend and I are both in our early 20s and have been dating for three years. We have a really strong relationship in almost every way, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. But here's the rub: My boyfriend is a genius. In so many ways, I love this about him. He challenges me to think about things, I am constantly learning, and he is always honest and rational. Unfortunately, these last two qualities have caused a bit of strain. I consider myself a very intelligent person also—nowhere near his level, but I've always felt confident academically. This sometimes takes a hit when I am around him. I rarely win arguments because I simply can't keep up with him. In matters of politics or world issues, this can be frustrating, but it doesn't really raise my ire. However, sometimes his argumentative style and calculating rationale are applied to our relationship. In many situations, I feel as though I am the one who has to compromise because he always wins the argument. I know my positions are reasonable, but I just can't articulate them as well as he does. I have talked to my boyfriend about this, but I think he has a hard time seeing my point of view—that though my feelings may not always be logical or rational, they are still valid. Am I being unreasonable for wanting a little bit of slack, or should I just accept that I'm dating Dr. Manhattan and let it go?

—In Love With a Super Computer

Dear In Love,
Did you conclude on your own that your boyfriend is a genius, or is this one of the things he had to articulate to poor, dumb you? I don't know what his IQ is, but his emotional intelligence comes in somewhere around "dolt." I'll take your word that you're dating a virtual Einstein, but take mine that he's an arrogant twit who's got you confusing bullying for brilliance. It's also possible he has some kind of disorder that leaves him unable to process the feelings of others. If so, he should be seeking help, or else he is destined to go through life alienating co-workers, friends, and loved ones like you. Actually, you might want to examine why you have spent three years being told by Mr. Spock that what you say has no validity because it lacks rationality. Mr. Spock and Dr. Manhattan are effective characters because while they seem human, their lack of emotion and empathy means they aren't quite. So give your mastermind a copy of Emotional Intelligence and tell him it's about a subject in which he's deficient, but it's important for the two of you that he learn.

—Prudie

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear In Love,

While everybody has their strengths, they also have their weaknesses. A boyfriend who does not validate your views and feelings is nothing more than an insecure and covertly mentally abusive individual. A love partner should not make you feel inferior even when their strength in one particular area is better than yours.

It is not possible that his side of EVERY disagreement is the right one. That is not realistically nor statistically possible. When a person is made to feel "wrong" all the time, they eventually stop bothering, begin to self doubt and their self esteem lessens.

A loving person does not flaunt their strengths and invalidate their partners. A loving person accepts the differences in the one they love, supports their partner's strengths and both encourages and supports them in improving their weak spots (in a loving, non-condescending way).

Here are some things to consider:

Does he constantly surround himself only with people who "blow smoke up his ass"?

Does he insult, put down, or point out the flaws of those who are not "blowing smoke" or (worse) are challenging his views?

Do your family and friends dislike him or merely tolerate him because you love him?

Does he always make excuses or declines activities and celebrations when it involves your friends and family?

Does he fail to acknowledge or praise you on anything you do?

Does he rarely compliment you?

Does he not encourage you to pursue your own goals and dreams if it does not involve him?

Does he belittle your goals or imply that they are not important?

Does he lie to others to make himself look better?

Does he try to convince you that your friends or family are not worth being around?

Does he seek attention (covertly or overtly) from other women?

If you want to talk about something he's done wrong, does he turn it around to somehow be your fault?

Do you find yourself having to continuously point out his good points to friends and family to explain why you are with him?

Is your self esteem even slightly lower than when you started dating him?

Would you be unhappy if, ten years from now, he still is not validating your feelings and continues to treat you the exact same way?

As a therapist and someone who has dated a guy with these traits, I think it is valid for me to say: If you answered yes to even one of these questions, run! Any of these on top of what you have already described is an unhealthy relationship with an insecure individual that will likely end up hurting your own self esteem.

You are worthy of being treated with respect and love. You are worthy being in a relationship that enhances who you are and your views and feelings are, not only validated, but encouraged.

—Dr Schnookleheimer

(More on finding maitri)

365 days

I am going to tackle the 365 self photo project (explanation of why, on finding maitri). Photos will be on my flickr page. I will let you know when I get started. It will be in the next day or so.

reignition

flame
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Reigniting the flame and actively searching for the passion that fuels my soul. I have signed up for a couple of art classes at the local college. I have really come around full circle considering I originally was an art major, but changed my major during the first semester of college.

I have no complaints where my educational path has taken me, for I love learning and I love my work as a therapist. There has just been something missing for a very long time, and that is my art.

I am feeling the dichotomy between extreme excitement of learning and creating again, and complete terror of disappointing myself. The disappointment may take the form of realizing I have gotten so rusty on my skills that I create utter and total crap or realizing that I should not have let this part of me go without nurturing for so long. Possibly both.

But I am doing it, diving in head first without a helmet and seeing what transpires.

dresses

dress
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I am the younger of two children, having an older brother. From what my mother told me, her and my father waited for our births to find out our sexes. After I was born, the obstetrician told my mother, "you got what you wanted!"

Here I was all new and pink. My mom's new little girl. I wonder if that day over 35 years ago, my mother had known she really got a rough and tumble tomboy. I loved sports, played in the mud, and climbed trees. As a matter of fact, I still do these things. In high school, I embraced the black, baggy uniform of a teen punk complete with army issue combat boots or my ox blood Doc's. As a 20-something bartender/industrial club goer overalls and boots were very convenient. Heck, I was not going out to meet guys, I was going to dance hard and hang out with my friends. (Oddly enough, this "aloof" attitude got me hit on a lot back then.)

Despite all this, I know there is a feminine, graceful woman inside this shell that prefers hikes to beaches and umbrella drinks. This weekend I tried an experiment: Girly Clothes.

Dresses, newly acquired and flowery. And not because I had a dress up occasion. Just because I wanted to wear them. To my surprise, it felt nice. So much so, I want to dress this way more often. And I think I will.

Mind you, I will need to keep a change of clothing with me at all times, because you never know when I might come across a good climbing tree. And really, a lady would not moon the neighborhood.

exercise your choppers today

choppers
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

My teeth. Yes, my teeth.
When I was young,
they were crooked beyond belief.
Biting partially into the flesh of an apple
revealed the awkward "T" my two front teeth formed.
My canines resided too far north
And my bottom teeth were not much better.

Realignment, that pesky realignment.
I had to wear a retainer for a year before braces could even be affixed.
Then the braces, oh the braces!
A full metal jacket.
The top ones fell off the first couple of days,
so doc had to put the metal band style
that strangled my teeth all the way around.

That big metal gnarly grin was with me for four years,
then another round with the retainer.
Only on top, though.

Needless to say, my bottom teeth decided they liked being disjointed
and moved to places where they preferred the view.

And where's the wisdom in my teeth?
Well, the top ones grew out sideways
and irritated my cheeks to the point of needing removal.
Too bad the Novvcain only liked one of the two and made for a painful departure of the second.

The bottom two wisdom teeth are no wiser.
They are still here and stand in gassho to the molars in front of them, nudging them every so often.

Today, I have an overbite
and one of my bottom teeth has been pushed forward
like the kid getting volunteered to go first in gym class.
Will I realign them again one day? Perhaps.
but until then, it's MY smile
which it comes out when passing strangers on the street
or with each belly laugh provoked
or thinking of my loved ones.
And I'm happy with that.

lump in my throat

lump in my throat
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I spend an inordinate amount of time in my thoughts and not enough time experiencing the sensations and signals that my body is giving me. In the past this trait was much more prevalent, but over time I learned to listen very closely. During graduate school, we were required by the program to experience thirty hours of private therapy. I chose a Gestalt therapist ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_therapy ) because it utilizes present awareness and some mind-body work. This definitely help hone my awareness of where emotions manifest in my body.

During times of sadness, anxiety, fear and stress, I tend to hold my emotions in the base of my throat. I can only describe the sensation as having a dense foam ball the size on a large orange stuffed in there. At times it forces my emotions down and numbs them out for self preservation. Other times, usually when experiencing anxiety, I feel like I cannot scream, speak or express myself.

My Gestalt therapist back in Colorado would have me focus on the sensation, stay with it and experience it without judgement. Inevitably, it is emotionally painful, but not unbearable. It has been wonderfully therapeutic to work through the sensation and not allow it to numb the emotions out.

I occasionally have this lump sensation and this week, I am experiencing it again. My awareness brings me to realize that there are multiple triggers for it this time, but the main one is how slow the State is in assigning my permit number.

For months now, this process creeped along like molasses running down the side of a cold jar. I spoke to them on Monday April 28th and they explained that my education was approved. I inquired if that means I qualify for the permit, to which she explained that it does, but will take some time for the secretary to get everything in order and get the number assigned. Okay, so how long should I expect this step to take? She said I should expect to hear from them in five to ten days.

Apparently, I should have inquired if that meant consecutive days. I called yesterday and no progress has been made. She said I can call again on Friday.

So here I sit, with lots of student loans and a great job offer, and I cannot do anything until the State catalogs me and stamps a number on my head. I am saddened, I am frustrated, I am occasionally numbing out, but I am looking for the lesson in this all. I certainly have learned extreme patience and acceptance of what I am powerless over. I have been reminded that I am not defined by what others do or do not do. I have recognized my integrity by not taking a permanent job that I would knowingly bail out on when my number is assigned.

My sense is that there is more to be learned here, and I will keep my heart, mind and body open to what lesson is lurking below the surface. You see, I have learned also that the lessons are there if we open up to them.

I will breathe through the lump, it will not suffocate me or keep my silent. I will even go to the mountains and scream from them if that is what I need. But first, I will experience the sensation for all it's lumpy goodness.

getting nailed

getting nailed
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Sometimes we fail to give ourselves credit for the little improvements. They often are overshadowed by My Critic Panel. (Yeah, most people have one voice in their minds that criticizes them, I have a whole panel. They're annoying and I want to dope smack each and every one of them.) But here I am, praising myself for a small thing that is huge for me. I know I have mentioned it before but..... I have stopped biting my nails and it has been many weeks now. (Wow! I do have staying power with some things.) For all you long-nailed, non-gnawers, you have to understand, I have always bitten my nails. Mostly, I would bite out of feelings of stress or, more often, being bored.

Somehow, something shifted in my and my approached the attempt to consciously stop biting was different this time. It did not give up if I had a little nibble. I did not beat myself up or get upset with my lack of discipline, I treated myself with some lovingkindness and it worked.

Now I have a new dilemma to deal with: how to not hurt myself with nails. I have bent a couple back (holy freakin' ouch) accidentally and I have had to relearn how to insert and remove my contacts. I have to learn to not scratch myself or those around me (sorry Groovy). I am improving by practice. I also "punish" the offending nail by filing it down if it gets bent back (That'll learn 'em).

I figure after a while I will be trained in the art of having nails. Until then, you might want to avoid my personal space.....for your own safety. Or at least make sure your shots are up to date.

self examination

self study II
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

As I get healthier, stronger and lose weight, I am amazed how my body is changing. More specifically, I am amazed that I have been exercising without using excuses to skip workouts. I feel better, physically and mentally.

Now it is time to make myself uncomfortable by slowly examining myself, every perfect flaw and all. Of course, it is safe to start with the parts I like and then ease into the other parts, but this is one way I am working towards making myself whole and continuing to improve myself.

everything old is new again

Being back on the Island is proving to be quite an experience. I am not sure how to take it yet. When I was driving the moving truck from East Providence, the ride was interesting. As I drove up the five exits of 195, I looked at the Providence skyline for the last time and felt a pang of sadness to be leaving so soon. The experience somehow feels incomplete. Noticing the sign at the 95 split pointing the way to New York, I felt a small sense of hope and happiness. The bulk of the drive was uneventful. The truck's dashboard lights were not illuminating and Greg was having trouble driving his car as "slow" as I was traveling until I said it was fine for him to drive ahead. I listened to music and sang along to the songs I knew (even to some that I did not). All was well until I got half way through Nassau County. Tears welled up a bit and I felt a tinge of sadness that I could not explain. Crossing over the Suffolk County line, full fledged sobbing commenced.

After having a couple of days to settle in, I have noticed how familiar and yet foreign everything on the Island seems. It has been over five years since I have resided here. I forgot some of the routes to different places. Stores have gone out of business and new strip malls have been built. People still drive aggressively. Life is busy. I need to take some moments to really think about what it means to me to be back here and decide what happens next. What will transpire, I am not sure. I am filled with curiosity.

the art of leaving

gentle exit
Originally uploaded by misslissa13 Art Every Day Month Entry

We are back in Rhode Island for our final week as Rhodies. I say that slightly in jest, since I do not know if I feel at all like a Rhody. Perhaps it is because I have not lived here more than a year, perhaps it is just my stubborn resistance. Whatever it is, I have to say, I feel more Coloradan than Rhody, and more New Yorker than that.

All of the moving I have done, all the places I have lived and all the states I have resided have helped me learn more about myself. My time in Colorado had a profound affect on me. I moved there, not knowing a soul and only having been to the state once, and that was for my interview at Naropa. It was scary and exciting, hard and growth provoking. I loved every difficult moment of the experience, for it forced me out of my comfort zone and into deep self exploration. Much of the time I was also in the throes of a relationship that triggered a lot of self-doubt. On the other end, I would not have changed a thing.

As for leaving RI, I am slightly saddened about leaving; feeling like this experience is not quite done. It is also sparking twinges of missing Colorado. Moving back to New York is also stirring up many layers of emotion. Frustration, excitement, nostalgia, hope, joy of being closer to loved ones, stress of moving, thrill of new beginnings...it goes on. Most layers are positive and I am curious as to what these next few years will bring. Greg studying acupuncture, me studying nutrition, starting my therapy practice, being grounded in a single place for a few years, getting to see the people I love on a regular basis and having new opportunities are just some of the things I am looking forward to.

Change, as always, is happening, outside and within.

martha's got chocolate on her sweatshirt

You know what is the only thing that makes me tolerate Martha Stuart and her perfectionist image? Picturing her at home, with dust on her shelves, dirty dishes in the sink and her donning sweat pants with a hole in the knee and mismatched socks and eating Ben and Jerry's from the container. It makes it easier for me to be kind to myself with the fact that I am far from the "perfect homemaker" as you can imagine. I attempt to be organized and cleaver with things, but it just does not happen.

I began packing this week for the move. Not in any kind of methodical way, not in any way that makes sense, I just dove in. Books with shoes, big piles of semi-organized stuff to go through, a vague plan of what order to do thing......and I like it that way. I do not want to stress about things. It will all get done. It always does. I have become a master mover over the past five years. I look forward to settling down in one place for a few years and saving up to buy our first house (our "Ikea House" if you will). And even then, I will be an Ikea Homemaker. Making it look good on the surface, while knowing that, underneath, things could be done to a higher quality. And I will be okay with that, knowing that things are good and somewhat together and neat in it's own way. And in my world, shoes and books co-mingling in the same cardboard home is perfection.

i've seen the light....a few times

So here I sit on a Monday evening reading through other peoples' blogs and pondering how much of their lives are similar to how I perceive them. My mind often idealizes their existence, put their wordy expressions through the filter of my mind and project their movie onto the screen in my noggin. Even their foibles seem intriguing, interesting and lighthearted. I likely project some of my own wants, desires, and "shadow self" into the mix. How much of what I choose to read, or not read, is a reflection of me? Egocentric, perhaps, but there is a level of selfishness in all we do in life. Even the most altruistic endeavor has some level of benefit for the giver, such as that "feel good" sensation we get when we give to charity or that bum on 16th Street. What does this blog perusing mean to me? I think it aids in me focusing on what things are important to me, the things I want, the things in myself I need to pay more attention to and sometime, it's just because I enjoy reading what other people choose to write about through their own filters of experience. So, what does this blog perusing mean to you? Shed some light on this for me, will you?

my own worst enemy

I often engage in conversation with a worker, my friend, from one of the other agencies in the building at work. He "gets it". He has a different perspective of the world and the truth than most people. He also does not look at me strange when I ramble and bounce ideas off him. It helps to be able to express the mumbo-jumbo jumble of thoughts and ideas crammed up in my noggin. Yesterday, during a talk regarding the kids we concurrently work with, I was venting my frustrations, hopes and ideas, when my train of thought lead to an "a-ha" self-realization moment:

"What are these kids fighting against? They are fighting against things that are not the enemy. They are creating their own 'enemies'. Since it is coming from within them, they are their own enemies. What are they struggling against? What am I struggling against? I am struggling against myself. I am my own enemy." Whew. Now that does not negate the existence of the negative external factors, but I realize that I am creating more of my own suffering by fighting against myself. I felt emotions start to percolate, but chose to keep them to myself to explore later. Partially because I was acting the professional and mainly because I would have interrupted the work that my friend was chipping away at diligently.

How does this self enemy appear? In dissatisfaction with where I am at in my career, in frustrations with the things I dislike about the workplace, with self-sabotaging behaviours, in not taking care of myself to the optimal level, in feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, in beating myself up when I do something half-assed, by giving up or not trying things because of self-doubt and, I'm sure if I put my mind to it, I can list more. This certainly comes in waves, ebbing and flowing throughout my weeks or even within my days.

Awareness is the first step towards change. This is something I am going to spend some time exploring. How fully am I my own enemy? I want to embody this, experience it with all the emotions it conjures. I will explore this split; where it comes from. Then see what comes from this exploration. Maybe I will befriend myself.