tai chi or insanity

Sitting in a meeting with my back to the window, a few of my coworkers started chuckling audibly at an unusual sight outside. I turned to see a client swinging his arms wildly and thought nothing of it. (I work at a mental health agency.) A few minutes later, when the meeting ended, one coworker stated, "I'm going to go out and ask him to stop." As I got out of my chair and turned around, I viewed the man and his actions again. It was at that point that I realized he was practicing tai chi. The worker went and interrupted him.

I was so saddened by this client having to cease doing something that is so healthy and beneficial simply because a bunch of therapists pathologized his action as part of his mental illness. It is also sad that so many people around here get terribly uncomfortable with what they don't know or understand. Back in Colorado, no one would think twice seeing anyone performing tai chi or qi gong in just about any locale. I would say it is probably more unusual out there to NOT see people in the local park practicing early in the morning.

I often try to educate people who are ignorant to healing arts and contemplative topics. I don't claim to be an expert but I share the knowledge I have and my own experience to try and open peoples minds, even a little bit. And, yes, I get a lot of eye rolls. That's okay, for every twenty eye rolls, I get one person whose mind expands a touch. To me, that is worth it.

sick and too hard on myself

Upon rising from bed the room whipped around so quickly, I stumbled over to the left (yes, the left). Apparently, my sinuses had some hidden congestion that it wasn't letting my nose in on; I could breathe just fine but, oh, the spinning! I resorted to taking some sinus meds first thing, but an hour later every turn, tilt or bend of the head sent me on a nauseating roller coaster ride....and I usually love roller coasters (read: obsessed even). But this was not fun. I felt my head heat up and the decongestant did nothing but make me thirsty. Needless to say, I called in sick at work. There was no way I would have been able to drive in any semblance of a straight line. (I know, you never go straight, go forward. If you stay straight you eventually hit something. Forward has more leeway. But I digress.)

The first three hours at home, I was only able to keep my head in one position in order to cease the spins. Was this a comfortable position? Not particularly. I had to keep it tilted at about a 47 degree angle, directly back. The second round of sinus meds slowed the room around enough to lay down on my side or back and doze off to some boring daytime television. After my second and third naps of the day, I found my inner critic whipping me from behind squealing, "What are you doing wasting your day just watching television and snoozing???? Get up and be productive! You should be cleaning and packing and doing stuff!!!" And so the battle began. Evil Critic on one shoulder jabbing me in the temple with a hot poker, and Sickly Angle-like Being on the standing on my right kneecap weakly shouting back, "You're sick! Be kind to yourself and your body and nap, nap, nap. It is okay." But Evil Critic was relentless with her jeering.

However, sick sometimes beats evil so I did nothing productive. I'm still looking around at all the stuff that needs to get done, sighing with despair, but my body is saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I guess I could try reasoning with Evil Critic, but sometimes it's just as easy to flick her off my shoulder and into the pile of empty boxes that need to be filled.

self examination

self study II
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

As I get healthier, stronger and lose weight, I am amazed how my body is changing. More specifically, I am amazed that I have been exercising without using excuses to skip workouts. I feel better, physically and mentally.

Now it is time to make myself uncomfortable by slowly examining myself, every perfect flaw and all. Of course, it is safe to start with the parts I like and then ease into the other parts, but this is one way I am working towards making myself whole and continuing to improve myself.

ring it in

Here we are, folks, in a new year. 2008. Write your checks correctly. I rang in the new year similar to last...with a wicked cold making my nose all snuffily and my body achy. Sat on the couch wrapped in a warm new christmas gift blanket (thanks Paul and Joanne!!!), sweatshirt and scarf lovingly knitted by Greg :). As my Italian grandmother always did, we had money in our hands at the stroke of midnight to welcome prosperity into our lives. This year I additionally held some Emergen-C, a piece of paper with a heart and a polished stone. Wealth, Health, Love and being grounded.

Since I make a habit of setting goals for myself throughout the year, I do not come up with New Year's Resolutions. I prefer instead let go of things from the previous year. I learned this tradition from a peer of mine that studied at Naropa University. Her name is Sonny and she is a Lakota Indian, an amazing woman, a survivor and a beautiful person all around. Since ritual and tradition can be an important component of well being, she shared with the class a tradition that her tribe practices. Keep in mind, I am not versed in Lakota tradition so this is a very abridged version. Basically what we did was write down things from the previous year that we want to let go. This is personal and not shared with anyone. We then burned the paper and the idea is that the things we want to let go of goes up with the smoke and a Lakota spirit (an eagle, I believe) flies down and takes them away. You then bury the ashes in soil and grow a plant or flower in it. Then you can move into the new year letting go of the things that hold you back and something new grows from the intention. Having done this a couple of times, I find it very freeing and a ritual I plan on doing again this week. I have used this also when I was going through some difficult times. My mother had come to Colorado to stay with me for a few days for support. I shared this idea with her and we did the ritual ourselves. We then added writing down what we wish for each other in the coming year. Truly helpful indeed.

Whatever you want to work towards in 2008 or let go of from the past, I wish you all Health, Wealth, Love and a Sense of Groundedness.

Namaste, Shanti and Cheers,

Melissa

what did i do last night?

Last night I cried.
I laid down next to Greg.
And I talked and cried and got things out.
I let myself be vulnerable and I did not censor myself.
And my eyes were swollen and red.
And my nose was all runny.
And I talked about my flaws and my weaknesses and some fears.
And he held my hand and hugged me and talked too.
Now I feel less pressure and less tension.
And I feel better and I know I am loved.

DSC05994
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

warning - vulnerable melissa ahead

I have struggled to write about this. Actually, I have sat down multiple times and began wondering if I ever really would. Never before have I found a topic so difficult to pen, but this one is. It is not that I am worried about being vulnerable or seeming "less then tough", I think this has just been a subject that I did not want to express to myself. Consider this a mini-therapy, "go someplace that makes you scared" post.

I struggle with weddings. Just typing that statement feels so trivial. It is not weddings themselves, or people that I know and love getting married. I celebrate other peoples' unions wholeheartedly. This is more about roles in life, disappointments and past scars. (Ack!!! the "baggage"!!!)

To start out, let me explain how I was raised. I come from a family where marriage generally happens once, and it endures through times, good, bad and the spectrum in between. My grandparents stayed married, aunts, uncles, cousins and my parents...all married, mates for life. I was also raised with the belief that I should never live my life relying on a man, because every woman needs to be able to stand on her own. I agree with this. I think everyone, man or woman, should be secure enough, especially financially, for survivalism.

Now for more personal info. Marriage was not something I ever pushed for or tried to force, I just happen to have a history of engagements and long term relationships where marriage was discussed. I, however, have never wed.

With my first engagement, we were young but we agreed to being engaged for a long time before we even set a date. Some people in my life disregarded this engagement as "being real" and that hurt. That relationship ended abruptly a few years later. He is a good person, but our lives were very different. I was blessed with a wonderful family and had no major traumas (well, except eggplant...make note to write a blog explaining that), his life was hard and he struggled with drugs and major traumas. He broke up with me, said he made a mistake, got back together a week later, broke up again, he wanted to get back.... I encouraged him to get counseling. It was over. No hard feelings.

The next serious relationship lasted six years. There was talk about marriage, but it never went beyond that. He gave me his word that it was what he wanted, but when his mother offered us her engagement ring and he blew the idea off, I knew that it would not be forever. I did not leave, we dated for quite some time more. Then I got sides-wiped at the end. For the final month, I had been in rehearsal for a show I was doing in the city and did not get to see him much. He kept giving me his word that things would be fine once my performances were over. Needless to say, the day after the last curtain call, the curtain went down on the relationship as well. Insult to injury, actually. I had fallen down a flight of stair and got rushed to the hospital after the last performance. The next day, I heard from a mutual friend that he and I had broken up. This news was confirmed by him in a parking lot.

The last engagement/relationship/fiasco lasted quite a few years, on and off. I went into this relationship not expecting to ever get engaged or married. When he first mentioned getting me a ring, he was really sick so I wrote it off to delirium from his fever. When he was back down to 98.5, he brought up the topic again. Hmmm, maybe he was serious. We got engaged, even had a party with friends and family. But that relationship crashed and burned...several times. After the fact, friends and family openly expressed all the negative things about him and how they figured the relationship would not last anyway.

I realize that I am the common thread through all these relationships. I began seriously questioning what was wrong with me; why was I bring mates into my life that have talked out of both sides of their mouths? Was I just ignoring the red flags? Was I so much of a hopeless romantic that I believed that the storybook ending was possible or was I just hopeless? So what do I do? I put on my happy face, crack some jokes and pretend that I am tough enough to handle anything. And I am relatively good at that. Stuffing down pain, never letting them see you sweat, all that mumbo-jumbo. When a relative attending my brother's wedding insensitively brought up my former engagement party (when I am clearly with a very different, much more wonderful guy) the knife was turned. I cracked a joke, changed the subject and looked for the quickest exit away from said relative. But all this past stuff, the baggage, the wounds, the scars, can work wonders on the psyche.

I sit here now, living with a wonderful man. A man I have known since I was a punk chick teenager and we both were cool enough to produce our own zines. (I should share the story of how we became a "we". It's a strange and wonderful tale.) And I struggle. I struggle with fully healing past hurts so as to not infect this current relationship. I struggle with keeping the anxiety at bay when people inquire, "so when are you two getting married?" I struggle with staying in the here and now, staying out of my head and keeping grounded in what is. I struggle with insecurities and self-imposed expectations. I struggle with keeping up the illusion of a tough woman who can handle it all. I struggle with letting go of outcomes. And I mostly struggle with admitting that, yes, I have been "always the fiance, never the bride" and even admitting that, yes, I want to one day get married.

So here it is, a post that I found hard to write. It took me three sittings to get through it. I debated writing it and deleting it, since it shows the blog-world one of my vulnerabilities. It demonstrates that despite my want to be an independent, strong woman, I still do want to be a wife. I do not know where I started believing "wife" is not synonymous with "strong woman", especially since my mom is an incredibly strong woman and a wife.

I am working on it, all of it, and trying to make myself a better person, mate and strong woman.

aaaahh, what's up, doc?

Raw foods! I am loving this way of eating! I have been eating close to 50% raw foods for a week now and I feel wonderful and have lost a few pounds. Some of the guidelines I have chosen to follow are from the Harvey Diamond book "Fit for Life: Not Fat for Life". My local library only has this book and Carol Alt's book on eating almost entirely raw (too extreme for me). I am glad I have read the Diamond book. Many of his ideas make sense to me (some, meh, not so much....but that's okay) and I am choosing which ones to implement into my life. Depending on how my body responds will depend on what I continue doing and what I decide to change. Diamond's ideas around how to eat fruit and eating only fresh fruit from morning until noon are working out well for me. He also allows for coffee (my vice). My energy throughout the day is steady and my mind feels more focused. He also talks about lunch and dinner having either a protein or a starch (but not both in the same meal), along with a cooked veggie and a salad (any raw vegetable, not necessarily a salad salad). His explanations of food combining also make sense to me.

I am not here pushing his book or eating raw (unless it works for you). My intention in this post (besides telling some of my story) is to encourage you all to listen to your bodies. Our bodies have amazing healing abilities. Think about it. When we break a bone, it's not the doctor that heals it. She just puts the bone in place and stabilizes it. It's our bodies that actually mend the bone. Amazing! I decided to try implementing a raw foods diet on the basis of the benefits I am reading about in books, magazines, raw foodist blogs and journals. I am staying with it based on how my body is reacting to it. I want my body to heal anything that ails it. I want to be energetic and move freely. I want to optimize my health.

Even though, most of the time I am "up in my head", when I take the time to listen to my body, it usually has some valuable advice to give me. My body is giving me positive feedback to this way of eating and I am going to listen and provide what it wants in order to reach the best health I can. I encourage you to take the time to listen to your body. Sometimes it give us pain or discomfort. It is trying to tell you something needs to be fixed. You can choose to ignore it and hope it goes away on it's own, or you can be proactive and do something about it to expedite healing. Best of health and healing to you!

it's getting better all the time

Given time and patience, clarity tends to come. My mood has improved over the past couple of days. I honestly feel that eating more raw foods is having a hand in it. My mind is clearer, my energy is more consistent and my body just feels better. Letting work stress roll off my back (at least a little more than usual) is aiding it as well. Unfortunately, I have been having some difficulty falling asleep, but that will change soon once I get used to new sounds in the bedroom. (Okay, don't make any assumptions here...We did not have a baby nor is this an implication of sexual connotation. Get your mind out of the crib and the gutter! It has nothing to do with me directly and I don't feel it's appropriate to disclose such things in a public forum. Friends and family can contact us if curious.) Having an extended weekend should help bring more clarity. Spending time with family and friends will feed my soul. Seeing Greg more will definitely soothe my heart (our work schedules do not always mesh).

I want to remember that life flows with ease when we are water rather than wood. If we live life as wood, any lit match thrown at as burns us, chars us and alters our being. If we live as water, those lit matches fizzle out. We defuse the attacks, be it from other people, our jobs, or life in general. We, as water, can gently form into any container and still be level on the surface. When necessary, we can rage like the ocean to smooth broken bottles into beach glass.

Shanti

dealing with my demon roller coaster

dealing with my demons 2
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Warning: no fun or humor in this. This is one of those, raw, honest, admit your faults, let yourself be vulnerable type of posts.

I am going to be a good therapist and preface this with a disclaimer. I am not diagnosed Bipolar (I or II), cyclothymic, dysthymic, or any DSM category. I am not depressed to the point of any self-harm or even harmful thoughts for that matter. I am not self diagnosing nor am going to write any diagnostic criteria here. I am not seeking out sympathy or pity. My intention is to step out of my area of comfort and express my thoughts and feelings with all their dings and dents. Even though I know you all read this through your own filters, expectations and assumptions of me and in relation to your own personal experiences, I will try to be as authentic as I can on here.

This is where I am at currently. I struggle most days with extreme dichotomies. The mood swings within myself rapid cycle throughout the day. Small things (or sometimes nothing at all) can trigger depressed feelings and thoughts. Other things tap into my elation and joy quickly (again, not in a bipolar way, it is comparatively subtle and not to such extremes). One minute I am filled with motivation, the next anxiety. I am acutely aware of how each mood, each change and each experience manifests in my mind and body. Awareness is what prevents me from directly and outwardly expressing my states of mind. I know that my energy affects whoever is around and I do my best to keep it under control so as to not harm anyone around me (by "harm", I mean upset or bringing them down).

Yesterday, one swing hit me so swiftly, that I removed myself from the room I was in with Greg. He is one of the last people I would ever want to cause harm to; One of the most important people in my life. I took some space, used distraction along with deep breathing and was able to let it pass. I then reassured him that it had nothing to do with him. He voiced his concern, but I also let him know that it's my "own shit". Even though I have some wonderful, loving and supportive people in my life, I do not like burdening friends and family with my issues.

I am keenly aware of where many of my problems stem from. Our pasts have an impact on our present and mine is no exception. Repeated disappointments and hurts bring up fear of those scenarios recurring. Fear of not ever having important things happen in my life, such as having a child or getting married, creeps into my thoughts with the littlest triggers. Being hard on myself for things like not yet having my PhD or owning a house shadows the accomplishments I have obtained. Perhaps the most difficult part is the recognition that such thoughts are irrational. Of course, I am also cognizant that feelings are valid no matter how irrational they may be. On the flip side, a single thought about any of the wonderful people in my life or bringing my awareness to one of my strengths can send me soaring into bliss and elation.

What else affects my mood? I have noticed how my hormones can flip it rapidly. How I nourish my body and chose to move it around helps or hinders my state of mind. Being cooped up in the apartment is the perfect canvas for seeing the changes. Even though I cherish my alone time, the lack of human contact brings me down and then I start isolating even more. My bad habit of nail biting (something I've done since, well, since I've had nails) has recently worsened with increased anxiety.

I am doing things and planning other steps that will hopefully help alleviate or lessen the experience I am having:

This week, I got back on track with my eating and have started implementing an at least 50% raw foods per day diet. I can feel the difference already. I am not getting energy crashes or that heavy feeling after eating. I feel satisfied but not stuffed. I even look forward to my morning fruit smoothies!

I started getting more active again, adding exercise to my days. I plan on restarting yoga daily, even if it is only a few sun salutations.

If my insurance covers it, I will go talk to a therapist for a couple sessions. (Yes, even therapists rely on therapists at times.)

I will continue my weekly acupuncture. Luckily, Providence has a community clinic which is extremely affordable. After all of these years, I continue to be amazed at what acupuncture can do for mind, body and spirit.

I will find the time to clean my nails up and be as conscious as possible of when I am inflicting damage to my fingers. Awareness, awareness, awareness.

I will privately journal my thoughts, especially my negative ones, in order to aide in work through them or, at the very least, get them out of my head.

Sleep is important. Plus I love to dream. Getting enough sleep is already a priority, I just need to keep it up.

Counting my blessings. I do this all the time, but sometimes they are overshadowed by the self-defeating, beat-myself-up-for-not-having-accomplished-more thoughts. Perhaps this point should be "get my negative thinking in check".

Purging through my stuff (actual things....and I guess mental stuff) will help clear my mind. My living space both affects my mood and my mood affects my space. This can be a vicious cycle if entropy is allowed to work on either.

Before ending this blog, I also want to apologize to friends that I have been neglecting to call. Sometimes I feel the need to step back from people when I am in certain states of mind in order to process through what is going on. It just gets too overwhelming and I know if I get on the phone, I will just stuff things down and numb myself out, which, in turn, makes me feel like I have nothing to talk about. (This is something I am historically adept at and something I am trying to change). Give me time with this one.

What a bummer of a blog, eh? Well, there are those sides of me that aren't so pretty and even one or two that I don't find any humor in. As I scribe this, I am aware that my mood has been inconsistent but not overly drastic. I am feeling a wee bit better after writing, but it is time for me now to get ready for bed, finish reading my book and do some deep breathing. Thanks for reading this all the way through, you're a trooper! I'll write my next entry when I'm manic. ha ha ha

toxic jobs and career paths

The American Psychological Association states in part of it's code of ethics (1.14) that psychologists have the duty to avoid harm. In other words, the therapist must dutifully decide on therapeutic interventions that will not knowingly cause harm. With that said, I have seen that some organizations fail to follow this in some cases: Putting the need to keep the beds full/keep the census up ahead of what is clinically appropriate for the client. Utilization, a term that us mere therapists hear way too often, can become detrimental to some clients. I have heard the words "I don't care what's clinically appropriate, we need these beds full" literally exit the mouth of a higher up. The same person became defensive when I asked how can the organization put a client into an inappropriate program that can cause harm, more trauma and attach an undue stigma to the client?

Of course, I need to have a job for my own financial survival, but how can I continue to work in an environment that is toxic to those being served? How do I change the system for the better? During my last sleepless night mulling things over, a long chain of thought associations led me to asking "what do you want to do?" over and over. Spontaneously a moment of clarity arose with the answer, "I want to help people heal."

So that is it, I want to help people heal, I want to be a medium of healing, I want to be a healer. This starts by holding the space for others and helping them find healing to their mental health needs. Next: starting (and completing) my degree in therapeutic massage. Followed by getting a degree in nutrition/becoming a Registered Dietitian. Then: Getting my PhD and continuing my studies so I can better help others find healing. Perhaps: studying Eastern healing methods. My goal for many years has been to open a healing center that has independent practitioners working in conjunction to help people find holistic health and healing. Mind, body and spirit efficiently working together, creating well being. Psychology, massage therapy, acupuncture, nutrion, martial arts, movement therapy and more available to each client as needed. I envision the center having appropriate lecture space and a reference library to educate.

This is what I am working towards, a job, a career and a life that improves the world even in a small way. A working environment that promotes healing for clients and practitioners. One that is not toxic. This will feed my soul while helping others.