i'm gonna do it! aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  

What makes us move forward? What motivates us to jump in with or without fear to any task that is in front of us? What is the catalyst that propels us into the abyss? As those of you who read my other blog, finding maitri (send me your email address to be able to gain access), you know I am dealing with some "stuff." And though this stuff is by no means positive, I have noticed it has really prompted me to treat myself with greater lovingkindness.

Over the years, I notice that there are different motivating factors in my mind. In my youth, being the first girl in predominantly boy-filled activities was a huge factor. Tell me that girls shouldn't do something and I'd be damned if I didn't prove you wrong. I've been motivated by love by trying to be the best me I could be to help the "us" be better. Anger has prompted me to be proactive. Both anger towards myself (not very "maitri-like" I know) at not doing whatever the task is and anger towards injustices put upon others. I suppose the motivating factor now is a combination of "wake up call" and fear. Part of me enjoys sitting with the uneasiness of the unknown and anxiety and I have cleaned up my diet tremendously.

The positive thing is the moving forward, being proactive and getting things done. I believe that no matter what the motivation, anything that prompts positive action is a good thing.

Now it's time for me to jump! I will let you know how it goes.

time wasting

I am so adept at getting caught up in researching things and distracting myself, that I end up wasting time I could be engaging in productively organizing the house. Case in point: I am blogging instead of unpacking the second bedroom or the kitchen. It is snowing and I have the day off so I have no legitimate excuse to be unproductive. I think I found my motivation: crafting.

So I am going to sign off and clean and my reward (besides an organized house) will be space and time to do some crafting this evening. Nice!

What are you doing today and how are you rewarding yourself?

grranimals!

Now that I am at day 174 of my daily yoga practice (but who's counting?) I have not only gained flexibility, increased strength and calmed my mind...I have also created an animal. Grrrrrrrowl!

So what is this creature within? A mad-passion-for-fitness animal. (Where the heck did this come from????) I just got me a new pilates DVD and gathered up some old VHS tapes (at least they're not Beta) from my folks house. Hip Hop Body Shop, Balletcize, Tai Bo...Bellydancing (good thing I'm not afraid to look silly) and I am gitty as a school girl...an athletic school girl, that is.










Now, maybe some martial arts...

(sun) salutations!

I am a week into my "yoga for 30 days straight" challenge and, let me tell you, I am feeling the positive changes already. My neck, which has a vertebrae that likes to rebel against the rest of the spinal column, has rejoined alignment with the rest of my back. My muscles are already feeling more "bendy" and daily I experience the post-workout "good" soreness. Perhaps I am starting to re-solidify my wimpy muscles already!?!?!

I start feeling better as the orange Y's continue filling up the calendar boxes. Coincidence? I think not! And Groovy joins in with me, too!

Why the "30 day" challenge motivates me, I am not too sure. It could be my competitive nature of team sports as a child/teen that I used to strive on. It could be my goal-setting nature. Or it could be something I have not yet tapped. Whatever the core reason, I do not need to have a deep understanding to reap the benefits.

At this point, I'm thinking that my next 30 challenge will be an addition to my life rather than a replacement of the yoga challenge. This regular yoga practice is a good mind/body-focusing tool that will support any subsequent challenge.

The next question is: What will my next 30-challenge be????? Any ideas?

Stay tuned for late breaking news!

beautiful mess

109.365 beautiful mess
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Two days ago, I decided to motivate myself back into a regular yoga practice.

To do this, I challenged myself to
30 days straight of daily yoga practice.

Classes,
On Demand,
or DVD,
it doesn't matter
as long as I am practicing.

This is me post yoga workout day 3. (yoga glow?)
I did a class that was difficult...no...currently challenging to me. (I did it with modifications but stuck all the way through the full 55 minutes.)

I'm going to do this class again towards the end of the 30 days.
Let's see what a breeze this class will be at that point.

exploration

exploration
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Some days I feel I know exactly who I am, some days I'm not quite sure. But I find that, as I get older, the question of "who do I want to become tomorrow?" is a more poignant question.

Behind this is a laundry list of goals. I used to keep a running list in my dally planner and record the dates I achieved each one. This system feels antiquated to me now and does not spark me to move forward. Today I need something more visual. Inspired by "inspiration boards" that some artists and creative individuals use (sometimes a cork board that they affix photos, items, words, etc. to that inspire them to create), I'm starting an "inspiration wall".

Since, I am in the process of creating a studio space in the apartment (formerly the second half of the table nook in the kitchen; first half is already commandeered by Sherman), I have decided to start out with sticky notes of the things I want to do and/or become. I adore the idea of being able to move, rearrange and hold them in my hands. Perhaps a small photo or picture to go along with each will add to the inspiration. I'll see how it evolves.

Having my goals and inspirations right there in front of me perhaps will help me pinpoint which to tackle next (or concurrently. Again, I will see what happens.)

So today, I do indeed know who I am: a self-inspiring motivating organizer. (Hmm, I hope that will fit on my business card...)

everyone needs a little iron in their diets

12.365
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

And I'll be pumping some at the gym.

I love working out at a gym, so we joined one yesterday. Though I have been out of touch with it in recent years, part of who i am
is an athlete...an out of practice athlete, but an athlete none the less. Half a lifetime ago, I played many sports: ice hockey, field hockey, baseball, softball, volleyball, soccer, something that resembled ballet, skiing and even street games (hockey, stick ball, kickball, etc.).

Recently, I have inconsistently participated in hiking, walking, jogging, yoga and weightlifting.

With the weights and cardio, I always do well on consistency
when i belong to a fitness center. This one we joined rocks and it's super low cost. The downside is, they do not offer classes, but they do have group training times so you can learn more about the machines and designing general or targeted training and nutrition plans.

Today's agenda: Do some cleaning, go to work, and then Groovy and I are heading over to the gym for some cardio work instead of TV watching.

Improved motivation, health and self esteem...here I come!

well there you are

Yes, I have been slacking on the posts. Stuff has been going on: good, bad and neutral. A few bumps in the road and some more motivation. I am manifesting life as I want it. I am picturing the future that I desire, which includes love and art and giving and growing, and building it. There is stress, but there is more hope. There is adversity and the opportunity to grow.

I choose to move forward. Onward!

getting nailed

getting nailed
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Sometimes we fail to give ourselves credit for the little improvements. They often are overshadowed by My Critic Panel. (Yeah, most people have one voice in their minds that criticizes them, I have a whole panel. They're annoying and I want to dope smack each and every one of them.) But here I am, praising myself for a small thing that is huge for me. I know I have mentioned it before but..... I have stopped biting my nails and it has been many weeks now. (Wow! I do have staying power with some things.) For all you long-nailed, non-gnawers, you have to understand, I have always bitten my nails. Mostly, I would bite out of feelings of stress or, more often, being bored.

Somehow, something shifted in my and my approached the attempt to consciously stop biting was different this time. It did not give up if I had a little nibble. I did not beat myself up or get upset with my lack of discipline, I treated myself with some lovingkindness and it worked.

Now I have a new dilemma to deal with: how to not hurt myself with nails. I have bent a couple back (holy freakin' ouch) accidentally and I have had to relearn how to insert and remove my contacts. I have to learn to not scratch myself or those around me (sorry Groovy). I am improving by practice. I also "punish" the offending nail by filing it down if it gets bent back (That'll learn 'em).

I figure after a while I will be trained in the art of having nails. Until then, you might want to avoid my personal space.....for your own safety. Or at least make sure your shots are up to date.

sick and too hard on myself

Upon rising from bed the room whipped around so quickly, I stumbled over to the left (yes, the left). Apparently, my sinuses had some hidden congestion that it wasn't letting my nose in on; I could breathe just fine but, oh, the spinning! I resorted to taking some sinus meds first thing, but an hour later every turn, tilt or bend of the head sent me on a nauseating roller coaster ride....and I usually love roller coasters (read: obsessed even). But this was not fun. I felt my head heat up and the decongestant did nothing but make me thirsty. Needless to say, I called in sick at work. There was no way I would have been able to drive in any semblance of a straight line. (I know, you never go straight, go forward. If you stay straight you eventually hit something. Forward has more leeway. But I digress.)

The first three hours at home, I was only able to keep my head in one position in order to cease the spins. Was this a comfortable position? Not particularly. I had to keep it tilted at about a 47 degree angle, directly back. The second round of sinus meds slowed the room around enough to lay down on my side or back and doze off to some boring daytime television. After my second and third naps of the day, I found my inner critic whipping me from behind squealing, "What are you doing wasting your day just watching television and snoozing???? Get up and be productive! You should be cleaning and packing and doing stuff!!!" And so the battle began. Evil Critic on one shoulder jabbing me in the temple with a hot poker, and Sickly Angle-like Being on the standing on my right kneecap weakly shouting back, "You're sick! Be kind to yourself and your body and nap, nap, nap. It is okay." But Evil Critic was relentless with her jeering.

However, sick sometimes beats evil so I did nothing productive. I'm still looking around at all the stuff that needs to get done, sighing with despair, but my body is saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I guess I could try reasoning with Evil Critic, but sometimes it's just as easy to flick her off my shoulder and into the pile of empty boxes that need to be filled.

ring it in

Here we are, folks, in a new year. 2008. Write your checks correctly. I rang in the new year similar to last...with a wicked cold making my nose all snuffily and my body achy. Sat on the couch wrapped in a warm new christmas gift blanket (thanks Paul and Joanne!!!), sweatshirt and scarf lovingly knitted by Greg :). As my Italian grandmother always did, we had money in our hands at the stroke of midnight to welcome prosperity into our lives. This year I additionally held some Emergen-C, a piece of paper with a heart and a polished stone. Wealth, Health, Love and being grounded.

Since I make a habit of setting goals for myself throughout the year, I do not come up with New Year's Resolutions. I prefer instead let go of things from the previous year. I learned this tradition from a peer of mine that studied at Naropa University. Her name is Sonny and she is a Lakota Indian, an amazing woman, a survivor and a beautiful person all around. Since ritual and tradition can be an important component of well being, she shared with the class a tradition that her tribe practices. Keep in mind, I am not versed in Lakota tradition so this is a very abridged version. Basically what we did was write down things from the previous year that we want to let go. This is personal and not shared with anyone. We then burned the paper and the idea is that the things we want to let go of goes up with the smoke and a Lakota spirit (an eagle, I believe) flies down and takes them away. You then bury the ashes in soil and grow a plant or flower in it. Then you can move into the new year letting go of the things that hold you back and something new grows from the intention. Having done this a couple of times, I find it very freeing and a ritual I plan on doing again this week. I have used this also when I was going through some difficult times. My mother had come to Colorado to stay with me for a few days for support. I shared this idea with her and we did the ritual ourselves. We then added writing down what we wish for each other in the coming year. Truly helpful indeed.

Whatever you want to work towards in 2008 or let go of from the past, I wish you all Health, Wealth, Love and a Sense of Groundedness.

Namaste, Shanti and Cheers,

Melissa

productivity, in a productive way

Despite spending hours on Saturday merely spectating the soapbox derby, this weekend was a highly productive one. We got a lot of cleaning done so the apartment can be presentable for potential tenants. This organization will also make packing much more efficient. Two weeks ago, I got my desk at work completely organized. Of course, the biggest boon of all of this is a calmer state of mind. It is amazing how much more clarity my mind possesses when my space is in some sort of order (organized chaos). I gain a greater sense of control over myself and my life. I feel motivated! That unto itself makes organization worth it. As previously posted, I have motivation that wanes and waxes. It is currently waxing and I plan on taking advantage of that.

Of utmost importance is utilizing this motivation to get more focus on my health and well-being. I feel energetic and strong. Healthy eating is back on track. Last night, I made a killer spaghetti squash with a tomato-sauteed portabella mushroom-chopped kale sauce. Dang yummy! I skipped my morning all-fruit smoothie today in lieu of two pieces of fresh whole fruit. I packed up an avocado, clementine, banana and red pepper to snack on at work. I have been taking my vitamins/herbs consistently (wow! How did that happen???). Saturday included a bike ride and walk, and now I feel like added jogs back into my days. I feel good and I want to feel great.

On another positive note, my mood has stabilized tremendously these past couple of months. Perhaps the healthier eating (added much more raw foods then before) and regular acupuncture sessions are taking effect.

Whatever is prompting all of the positive action, I am not going to waste it. There is much to do with improving my health, the pending move, continued job searching and getting all the loose ends tied up in Rhode Island before we move. I suppose the timing is right. I am going to attempt to keep my awareness on when the motivation starts to wane, then try to head that off at the pass. It is all about G.S.D. (Getting Shit Done)!

Productivity, onward ho!

motivation in three easy steps, or "turning up the heat"

thermostat
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I have no idea how to sustain motivation, nor I do not know how many steps it takes. What I do know is that it is not always easy and it is time for me to turn up the heat with a fire under my ass. Motivation has been something that ebbs and flows in my life, and as I have mentioned before, I am my own worst enemy. This is true in my motivation as well. So here I am, exploring what motivation is, what my motivations are and why I let myself backslide in reaching my goals.

The best (or I should say, the one I like best) definition I discovered reads as follows:

noun
1. the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives"
2. the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level"
3. the act of motivating; providing incentive*

Motivation is the stimuli, the the thing that stimulates us into doing things to obtain our goals. Ideally, we utilize both internal and external stimuli. One could surmise that the more motivation we have, the more apt we are to moving. For instance, if the goal is safety, a bug being poked by a little boy's finger will begin to run and scurry away. But a bug who is being poked, having a magnifying glass concentrate sunlight on it's tail and a shoe stomping down on the ground behind it will haul ass to get away. The internal is the innate desire to be safe, the external is that pain-in-neck little child taunting the heck out of it are Buggy's motivational factors. It could be said, too, that the internal motivations are more powerful (or perhaps more vital) than the external. If Buggy had really strong internal motivation, he would have turned the other way when he eyed Little Johnny come out of the house, keeping himself out of harms way entirely. We are more likely to reach and, more importantly, stay at a goal, if it is for our own reasons. If the goal is jogging daily and you do it to win a race and get a trophy, once that race is won, that main motivation is gone and the jogging daily has lost it's fire. If the mindset is tweaked, the results can be longer lasting. Internal motivation: the good feeling of the "runner's high", the increased energy level, long-term heart health, feeling good about ourselves when feeling fit....these continue even after the external motivation has passed.

Now comes the personal part of this. Being the "over doer" that I am (Not an overachiever, that would imply perfectionism. I just like doing lots of things most of the time.), I usually have a laundry list of goals I am working towards, big and small, short and long-term. Here's a taste: Getting another associates degree, getting into a PhD program, going through and organizing paperwork, buying a house with a yard, getting married, having a baby, paying down my debt, getting a second job, restoring a car, visiting at least 40 of the States, traveling to other countries, re-learning how to fold paper cranes, setting up a good system for coupon organization, learning to speak Spanish fluently, start painting again, teach American Sign Language, get down to my goal weight, teach college level classes, get my professional licensure.......I could go on, but I will spare you the eye strain.

I'll examine a goal that many people have and in the process openly discuss something that makes me uncomfortable: my weight loss goal. (Um, the goal doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's the disappointment in my lack of achieving this goal at this point that does...not to mention tight waistbands...ooooph..not comfy!)

External motivations:

Photos at my brother's wedding in October

Greg's friends' wedding in September

Kudos from loved ones

Not getting "criticized" by people who are important to me. Not really criticized, more like people pointing out the obvious, "Wow, did you put on some weight?" or "Should you really be eating that?" or "Aren't you on a diet?" Yeah, all questions that irritate and make me want to go into Defiant Adolescent Mode and act all "I'll show you" while stuffing my face with a HoHo (Well not a hoho with the chocolate allergy thing. It just sounded good.)

Getting those "Damn girl! You look good!" reactions from people.

Being able to buy a new wardrobe. Not that I like to shop, but it would be nice to buy some higher quality threads and have another reason to spend the money.

Supporting/getting support from others with the same goal.

Soliciting support from loved ones in the form of being accountable for my progress or lack there of and for words of encouragement.

Internal motivations:

Having more energy

Feeling better in my own skin/clothes

Increased self-confidence

Less strain on my back/joints

More ease in movement (Maybe even more bendy in yoga)

Less impact on my knees when jogging

General health improvement

Lower cholesterol (It's not high, but I want to bring it down lower than it is.)

Feeling proud of myself for accomplishing another goal

Feeling sexier

I am capable of reaching this goal since I have done it before

Feeling beautiful on the outside

Sleeping better

Having more strength and endurance to bike, hike, jog, join a competitive sports team again, etc.

Feed my competitive side

To sustain my motivation, I am going to use this list to remind myself why I want it. I will print it, add to it and carry it with me. I will post it on the refrigerator (after I complete the goal of "cleaning off the front of the refrigerator" of course) and on the bathroom wall so I see it every day. I will request that Greg exercise with me and help me stay focused. I will again set up a visual representation of my progress along the way and put this on the fridge as well. I will set up mini-goals to accomplish along the way (exercising X number of times a week, doing something physical daily, celebrating each five pound loss, entering the "healthy weight range", etc.)

I swallowed my pride (which has zero calories!) and stepped on the scale this morning. For my two months of ignoring my motivational stimuli, I packed on 9 (count 'em, nine) pounds from my former plateau point. This is more motivation for me! So, my current goal is to drop a measly 39 pounds. I can do this and I will. I am feeling motivated!

Next: Exploring the reasons for losing motivation.

*American Psychological Association (APA):
motivation. (n.d.). WordNet® 3.0. Retrieved August 06, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/motivation

health improvement

A few blogs ago, I had listed some of the things I might write about. Perusing that list I had the realization that many of those topics overlap or are linked together. Tonight, I feel like discussing health improvement, with perhaps a smattering of motivation and goals, a peppering of patterns of behavior, and, maybe...just maybe a dash of my Naropa studies.

Some of the things that I do/have done:

• Stopped eating most meat about 7 years ago (beef, chicken, pork, etc.) with the exception of seafood. (I call myself "the bad vegetarian") This change was rather easy, except apparently for other people who seem to have difficulty understanding why I gave up eating meat. I shrug it off because it really does not make any difference in their lives if I choose not to eat something.


• Cut back on dairy. My naturopath suggested that I cut dairy out of my diet for the two weeks of the month, but I would like to cut back even more.
  
• Lost thirty pounds. Okay, I'm not yet at my goal weight, but I have maintained this initial loss for four months.


• Getting regular acupuncture. I love it!


• Exercise. This is something I do for a while, get lazy for a while, get motivated all out, slack off......
  
• Worked on my mental health. Letting go of past hurts and losses, bringing positive people into my life, helping others, loving always, and utilizing mindfulness.


• Expanding my mind through learning, writing, art and reading.

I try to improve my health in little ways here and there, and my motivation and habits certainly ebb and flow. Currently, I find myself in a major ebb and am looking for a jolt of motivation. I find my biggest killer of motivation is being tired, which I am right now. Trying something new is one way I add fuel to the fire under my ass.

• I am considering trying a (mostly) raw foods diet for a time to see how my body reacts to it. Perhaps I will switch to a mostly vegan diet first.


• Finding a 5K or a 10K to train for, preferably for a fund raiser to sweeten the motivational honey pot.


• Find a second part-time job at a health center, dance or yoga studio.


• Find a training partner. Greg is a great exercise partner, but our work schedule aren't always conducive to fitting it in everyday together.


• Getting back to drinking lots of water daily.


• Start tracking my food intake again and cutting calories.


• Getting full night sleep every night.


• Taking a class (dance, tai chi, yoga) regularly.

I know how great I feel when I am consistent with healthy habits, and that should be motivation enough. I'm open to ideas, suggestions and your stories, but until then, I'm going to wash up and head to bed for that full night sleep. :)