Wednesday, January 9, 2008

a little funk

After an awful night's sleep last night and not feeling so good in the belly, I feel a bit in a funk today. We went for a long stroll and that certainly helped a bit, but I am still feeling all up in my head in dark thoughts while my body concurrently feels blah. Walking, I viewed the houses in the neighborhood, admiring or critiquing the architecture and design, some charming, some in need of serious tender loving care, some stunningly lovely....and it all made me pensive. I wonder if the owners appreciate what they have, big or small, the Joneses or the little bungalow owners. I wonder if they see their abodes as a burden, or they take them for granted....if they huff at the mortgage payments.....or if they realize that they have a place that is uniquely theirs...they own them. Perhaps it is the amount of times I have moved in the recent past, or living in places that are not fully "home", where, even though there is less responsibility, there is less ability to design things as I would like. Maybe it the realization that landlords really skimp on the construction by using bottom of the line items and sub par labor....I really cannot wait to have a home of my own. Does this make me all grown up-like? This is one of those areas in my hearth that feels kind of empty. My new mantra is "patience pays" and I continuously have to remind myself to be patient in this realm (as well as others). It is such a difficult task for me and my "instant gratification takes too long" sense of urgency. I need to accept what is while still working towards the things I want. I need to work hard while letting go of outcomes. I need to embrace the fact that there are things I can control and things that are beyond it. Perhaps a better night sleep will make this much, much easier. Goodnight, all.

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