Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Enjoy the ride.
Referring URL: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Shitski
Search Engine: google.com
Search Words: shitski polish definition
Which lead them to my post: vicarious living and polish reminiscing
That is fuckingski fantastic! I love people!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 30th 2007, 4:00 AM
TRENTON - You may now resume eating the squirrels.
In January, the Garden State warned hunters and residents near a toxic waste dump in Ringwood in North Jersey to limit their consumption of squirrel after the feds thought they found lead in a dead squirrel. Officials now say it was a false alarm.
The Environmental Protection Agency said a blender used to process the squirrel's tissue samples was defective - and that the lead believed to be in the squirrel actually came from a part of the blender.
That's good news for members of the Ramapough Mountain Indian Tribe and others who like squirrel meat. It's bad news, however, for the squirrels.
News Wire Services
Sunday, October 28, 2007
This has been a great day, not just for the productivity in the packing process, but in the moments thinking about my love. The longer I am with him, the more wonderful I realize he is. I do not know what our future holds, I just want to spend today enjoying the fact that I am with him - this amazing man who supports me in being my best.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
It is amazing how therapeutic music can be. Today, I was feeling unable to do...well, anything. But, at this late hour, I listened to some music and feel totally uplifted. Tomorrow, I will start with music first thing and have a better day.
Fishbone - one of my all time favorite bands!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Today, I would like to share one of the things I love about Greg: his no BS, quirky, ranting writing-style. I have always loved reading his stuff. He is honest, raw, sometimes gruff and hysterical in his cynical realism. We first met back in the late 1980s when I snail-mailed his early zine, Watching Sister Vomit, so I could learn and network for my own zine Remote Exile. He had a column "Model Citizen" in the publication Under the Volcano for about 16 years (they recently stopped producing the print version). Well, he decided to start an online blog, Greg Groovy Model Citizen. This morning I read his profile again and it was a perfect reminder of the above-mentioned reasons as to why I love his writing:
Turning PUNK into a bad cliche since 1985...or at least responsible for turning the last of the literate finger tips into black (probably toxic) ink covered digits. After the demise of WATCHING SISTER VOMIT, the MODEL CITIZEN began his days as a disgruntled columnist (ahem.. BASTARD AT LARGE) for the bi monthly toilet reader Under The Volcano, besides regularly helping irregular readers pass some harsh movements.. very little other positives can be attributed to the MC output. Attempting to keep up with the Jones' and other high brow levels of douche baggery.. the Model Citizen has joined the rank and file epidemic of global virtual schmuckdom and started blogging-though the riotous punk phrase would be something like.. typing - I mean 'fighting for change'."
I am hoping he gets inspired to get back into writing full-force. Perhaps I can encourage him to re-post some of his earlier pieces as an archive so those of you who did not get the pleasure of reading his column in UTV can get a chance to see them.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Me and Grandpa (aka Dr. Schnookleheimer)
My high school buddy now living on the left coast John (who better start blessing us with a new blog soon)
My friend Terry from SCCC and beyond (he emailed me his boo boo work injury)
Jen and Me (This photo is from one of the many New Year's Eve Extravaganzas)
Me, Bernadette and Jen at Bern's bridal shower
Dahlia and Deborah (coworker and her daughter)
Craig (he's worse than me at returning phone calls, but he still rocks)
Of course, my lovely Greg
Me and my Dad
My niece Annalise
Me, my mom, brother Paul, and dad at my Naropa Graduation
Rich, me, Greg, mom, Paul and Joanne at my department graduation
Ah, not only does this make me realize that many of my pictures are un-gettable at the moment, but that there are many more I need to take and memories I need to make. So many people have touched my life and continue to play important roles in it. I think I will make it my mission to get more (and current) pictures of all my loved ones, past and present. Perhaps a photo album, a tangible one that I can thumb through and remind myself of what is important when I lose my way. This also gives me a reason to actively plan get-togethers. Yay!
Last night I cried.
I laid down next to Greg.
And I talked and cried and got things out.
I let myself be vulnerable and I did not censor myself.
And my eyes were swollen and red.
And my nose was all runny.
And I talked about my flaws and my weaknesses and some fears.
And he held my hand and hugged me and talked too.
Now I feel less pressure and less tension.
And I feel better and I know I am loved.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
One example of how bad this is getting: I was over at the girls' shelter, which is one of the locations I do therapy. The staff was in a whirlwind of busy, so when the phone rang I answered for them. It was another staff member who is extremely articulate. She spoke clearly yet none of the words were computing in my brain. I asked her to repeat them, but I just could not get it. I handed the phone off in the midst of my confusion. Thank god the staff members that were there have a good sense of humor. I also do not seem to have the drive or the mind power to focus on all the paperwork I need to complete before I leave. Senior moments in my 30s? I doubt it. I just think my body and mind are simply taxed right now. Of course, taking a day off would do me a world of good, but can I really do that when I only have 2.5 weeks left? Two more days until the weekend. I think I can hack it...I know I can hack it...just maybe not to the best of my ability. Perhaps I will take a walk after work, come home and relax and get to bed early so my mind will get back to some semblance of sharpness. Here's to hoping!
So, have you ever felt this way or is it just me?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Life is beautiful.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
1. a cardinal number, ten times ten.
2. a symbol for this number, as 100 or C.
3. a set of this many persons or things: a hundred of the men.
4. hundreds, a number between 100 and 999, as in referring to an amount of money: Property loss was only in the hundreds of dollars.
a. a hundred-dollar bill.
b. the sum of one hundred dollars.
6. (formerly) an administrative division of an English county.
7. a similar division in colonial Pennsylvania, Delaware, and Virginia, and in present-day Delaware.
8. Also called hundred's place. Mathematics.
a. (in a mixed number) the position of the third digit to the left of the decimal point.
b. (in a whole number) the position of the third digit from the right. –adjective
9. amounting to one hundred in number.
So here it is, the 100th post. This from someone who, a year ago, did not understand why people blogged! I never thought I would do it, but I discovered the pure enjoyment. The connections to people who I would have otherwise never met, the forum for a little self expression and the therapeutic value of writing are just some of the benefits. This has definitely helped me overcome the "my writing really blows" mentality that I allowed myself to take on. It has aided me in realizing that I am worthy of expressing myself, I am worthy of showing my humanness (flaws and all) and I am worthy of.....well, being who I am and not feeling ashamed. It has helped me face my flaws as well as get back in touch with my fiery side. And for that it is worth it!
I raise my cup of joe to the next 100 posts and what I may discover about myself! And I raise it to you, my dear readers who come along for the ride, some of you who comment and the many more that lurk. I raise it to myself, who I have been, who I am and who I will be.
wor·thy - (wûr'thē) adj. wor·thi·er, wor·thi·est
Having worth, merit, or value; useful or valuable.
Honorable; admirable: a worthy fellow.
Having sufficient worth; deserving: worthy to be revered; worthy of acclaim.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Purveyor of Random Knowledge
Of utmost importance is utilizing this motivation to get more focus on my health and well-being. I feel energetic and strong. Healthy eating is back on track. Last night, I made a killer spaghetti squash with a tomato-sauteed portabella mushroom-chopped kale sauce. Dang yummy! I skipped my morning all-fruit smoothie today in lieu of two pieces of fresh whole fruit. I packed up an avocado, clementine, banana and red pepper to snack on at work. I have been taking my vitamins/herbs consistently (wow! How did that happen???). Saturday included a bike ride and walk, and now I feel like added jogs back into my days. I feel good and I want to feel great.
On another positive note, my mood has stabilized tremendously these past couple of months. Perhaps the healthier eating (added much more raw foods then before) and regular acupuncture sessions are taking effect.
Whatever is prompting all of the positive action, I am not going to waste it. There is much to do with improving my health, the pending move, continued job searching and getting all the loose ends tied up in Rhode Island before we move. I suppose the timing is right. I am going to attempt to keep my awareness on when the motivation starts to wane, then try to head that off at the pass. It is all about G.S.D. (Getting Shit Done)!
Productivity, onward ho!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I struggle with weddings. Just typing that statement feels so trivial. It is not weddings themselves, or people that I know and love getting married. I celebrate other peoples' unions wholeheartedly. This is more about roles in life, disappointments and past scars. (Ack!!! the "baggage"!!!)
To start out, let me explain how I was raised. I come from a family where marriage generally happens once, and it endures through times, good, bad and the spectrum in between. My grandparents stayed married, aunts, uncles, cousins and my parents...all married, mates for life. I was also raised with the belief that I should never live my life relying on a man, because every woman needs to be able to stand on her own. I agree with this. I think everyone, man or woman, should be secure enough, especially financially, for survivalism.
Now for more personal info. Marriage was not something I ever pushed for or tried to force, I just happen to have a history of engagements and long term relationships where marriage was discussed. I, however, have never wed.
With my first engagement, we were young but we agreed to being engaged for a long time before we even set a date. Some people in my life disregarded this engagement as "being real" and that hurt. That relationship ended abruptly a few years later. He is a good person, but our lives were very different. I was blessed with a wonderful family and had no major traumas (well, except eggplant...make note to write a blog explaining that), his life was hard and he struggled with drugs and major traumas. He broke up with me, said he made a mistake, got back together a week later, broke up again, he wanted to get back.... I encouraged him to get counseling. It was over. No hard feelings.
The next serious relationship lasted six years. There was talk about marriage, but it never went beyond that. He gave me his word that it was what he wanted, but when his mother offered us her engagement ring and he blew the idea off, I knew that it would not be forever. I did not leave, we dated for quite some time more. Then I got sides-wiped at the end. For the final month, I had been in rehearsal for a show I was doing in the city and did not get to see him much. He kept giving me his word that things would be fine once my performances were over. Needless to say, the day after the last curtain call, the curtain went down on the relationship as well. Insult to injury, actually. I had fallen down a flight of stair and got rushed to the hospital after the last performance. The next day, I heard from a mutual friend that he and I had broken up. This news was confirmed by him in a parking lot.
The last engagement/relationship/fiasco lasted quite a few years, on and off. I went into this relationship not expecting to ever get engaged or married. When he first mentioned getting me a ring, he was really sick so I wrote it off to delirium from his fever. When he was back down to 98.5, he brought up the topic again. Hmmm, maybe he was serious. We got engaged, even had a party with friends and family. But that relationship crashed and burned...several times. After the fact, friends and family openly expressed all the negative things about him and how they figured the relationship would not last anyway.
I realize that I am the common thread through all these relationships. I began seriously questioning what was wrong with me; why was I bring mates into my life that have talked out of both sides of their mouths? Was I just ignoring the red flags? Was I so much of a hopeless romantic that I believed that the storybook ending was possible or was I just hopeless? So what do I do? I put on my happy face, crack some jokes and pretend that I am tough enough to handle anything. And I am relatively good at that. Stuffing down pain, never letting them see you sweat, all that mumbo-jumbo. When a relative attending my brother's wedding insensitively brought up my former engagement party (when I am clearly with a very different, much more wonderful guy) the knife was turned. I cracked a joke, changed the subject and looked for the quickest exit away from said relative. But all this past stuff, the baggage, the wounds, the scars, can work wonders on the psyche.
I sit here now, living with a wonderful man. A man I have known since I was a punk chick teenager and we both were cool enough to produce our own zines. (I should share the story of how we became a "we". It's a strange and wonderful tale.) And I struggle. I struggle with fully healing past hurts so as to not infect this current relationship. I struggle with keeping the anxiety at bay when people inquire, "so when are you two getting married?" I struggle with staying in the here and now, staying out of my head and keeping grounded in what is. I struggle with insecurities and self-imposed expectations. I struggle with keeping up the illusion of a tough woman who can handle it all. I struggle with letting go of outcomes. And I mostly struggle with admitting that, yes, I have been "always the fiance, never the bride" and even admitting that, yes, I want to one day get married.
So here it is, a post that I found hard to write. It took me three sittings to get through it. I debated writing it and deleting it, since it shows the blog-world one of my vulnerabilities. It demonstrates that despite my want to be an independent, strong woman, I still do want to be a wife. I do not know where I started believing "wife" is not synonymous with "strong woman", especially since my mom is an incredibly strong woman and a wife.
I am working on it, all of it, and trying to make myself a better person, mate and strong woman.
from The Writer's Almanac 10/10/2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
In the process, we just finished penning our resignation letters for our current jobs and will submit them tomorrow. We have found an apartment that rocks and are in the process of getting approved to move in there. (If we get this apartment, I will need to expand on the strangeness surrounding it.) I have begun the application and interview process to find a new job.
We are very busy, but I love change! And having Groovy by my side keeps a smile on my face through it all.
Friday, October 5, 2007
I do not know why I find this so freaky, but I cannot believe that my brother is going to be getting married in a little over twelve hours. I guess part of this is colored by the fact that I have a lot of personal weirdness in my own life surrounding marriage (a topic for a later blog?), but this is more about the fact that I never thought my brother would ever get married.
Now, don't get me wrong. He is not some awkward social misfit or anything, and he has been in his current relationship for a decade. It is just that I thought he would never take a plunge in the romantic waters of the marital bliss. I guess people you have known your whole life can still surprise you if you just give them the chance. On a side note, I have a feeling I am going to drop my tough-gal-righteous-babe-ness and shed some tears in a mushy-sentimental-sort of way. Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Increasingly, I am seeing how punitive systems exist throughout life. Have you ever had an employer that provided almost no incentive to go above and beyond your job? No chance for merit raises, no retirement plan or benefits, absolutely no overtime pay even if a position requires weekly overtime hours to get all the work done......I think you get the idea. Many times employees have to seek their own incentives within a position. For myself, I love working with clients. Being able to even be a small support in their lives, even if I do not get to see what happens to them in their future lives, is a huge incentive. Having amazing coworkers adds to it too.
Of course, the legal system is inherently punitive by nature. This can be effective, however, if you look at the rate of recidivism in strictly punishing systems, you might question the strength of them. Getting a speeding ticket for Average Joe can be a good wake up call. Eighty-dollars can be half the grocery money and enough of a hit to make them more cognizant of the speed limit (at least on that particular stretch of highway). There are also cases when this system breeds more effective criminals: the small time drug dealer who makes additional connections in jail, the schooling in building a better criminal, etc. Some of the recidivism and negative reinforcement can be reduced with additional counseling, education and programs within the jails and prisons, but those require funding (sigh, doesn't everything?).
For myself, incentives are key. In working towards my own personal goals, "gifts to myself" are effective. Establishing planned incentives and recognizing the inherent happy feelings attached to reaching milestones along the way to the ultimate warm fuzzy are imperative for me. Frequently, I need to review and remind myself of what these gifts are in order to not lose view of the pinnacle. On the flip-side, I have not tried a punitive plan for myself, so perhaps it would be effect ("personal self-reflective experiment plan" seed planted), or maybe even utilizing both would be dually encouraging. This definitely requires additional thought.
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