Thursday, December 13, 2007

thoughts without a thinker

I've been thinking a lot about things lately; more so then usual. I've been thinking a lot about my she lived so long on her own, independent, self sufficient and full of she moved into assistant living and had to be put in the Alzheimer's unit, not because she has Alzheimer's but because she kept leaving the building unassisted in an attempt to walk the un-walkable distance to my parents' house. I've been thinking about what goes on in her mind now that she does not reportedly recognize any of us any more. I think about how, between her moments of fear, she still has moments where her smile beams and her face lights up. I wonder if she has memories from this life or if she is very much in the here and now, and is perhaps feeling Zen-like without even trying. I wonder if my grandfather is watching over her, waiting for her to embrace her again. I wonder if she has moments where she sees angels preparing her to be ready to move on and be free from the physical that is slowly failing her. I wonder, when I helped her sit in my mother's car to take her home and I told her I love her and kissed her soft cheek, if she sensed how much I truly love her.

I've been thinking about how difficult this is for my mother; the strong woman who takes everything on with little support, less help and even less complaining. I wonder what I can do to take some of the pain away from her. I wonder where she gets her strength from. I wonder if she knows how much I admire her and am grateful that she is my mother. I think about how much my grandfather is probably surrounding her with love and support since he is definitely her guardian angel.
I wonder if I can get my shit together or at least temporarily pack it aside in order to be more present in what is going on with both of them. I think about doing all that I can to not have any regrets like the one I have from when my "2nd mother" passed away. It is not so much a regret, as it was a lost opportunity.

I have been thinking about love and family. I have been thinking about life and the future. I have been remembering joyful memories. I have been thinking about marriage and children. I have been pondering the differences and similarities between giving up and letting go. And I have come to the conclusion that I am enough, no matter what I am and where I am at.

No comments: