i'm a listasaurus

I have never owned a vehicle with a trunk
I love the metal clang clang clang of railroad crossing gates
I want to own a wellness center with retail space and a resource library
I have never had a cast for a broken bone
I started dying my hair at age 16
I appreciate all of my past relationships, even the ones that made me sad
I was engaged three times in my life
My favorite color is orange but I am very drawn to blues
I once considered joining the FBI
My top two weirdest first dates: one included going to a shooting range, the other was a thrash metal show followed by watching a meteor shower
I get mental blocks with names and titles
I'm digging this song right now:



and this one:



What was your name again?
I wonder where all the poets have gone
Experiencing music and art feeds my soul
When I'm tired, I eat
I believe that cereal is an ideal meal in a bowl with rice milk
I love the smell of a box of crayons
I am extremely tactile and can get fascinated and focused on the feel of a single texture for a long time
If I were you, I'd make a list too.

pow! right in the kisser

I sometimes say stupid things.

I like colorful things.

I adore colorful people.

I'm obsessed with the cuteness of my rescue pets.

I think cold wet dog noses are therapeutic when they precede a doggy kiss on your cheek. 

I have too many unfinished projects.

I consider myself and unfinished project.

I once stabbed my own foot with a pitchfork.

I learned that horsing about with someone who is holding lopping shears is a bad idea.

I love portobello mushrooms.

I am allergic to mushrooms.

I believe I am two inches taller than I really am.

I love the smell of citrus.

I am addicted to tomatoes and tomato products.

Books I cannot read are ones that bore me within the first three chapters.

I hate doing dishes.

I like doing laundry.

Sometimes my honesty holds me back.

My poker face is broken when peoples' actions are just plain illogical.

I haven't gotten punched in the face...well, except that one time.

a brief look at what i am

I am eying inspiration all around:

In other peoples' accomplishments
In nature
In my dreams
In art
In recognition
In kind words


I am feeling anxiety:

In my own fears
In my environment
In events I cannot change


I am experiencing chaos:

In the nature of my work
In the mess in my sink
In the incomplete projects


I am engulfed in joy:

In my relationship
In my family
In my pets
In my goals


I am plagued by germs:

In my puppy
In myself
In my allergies


I am intrigued by curiousness:

In my career path
In my life's travels
In the next step
In learning


I am gaining awareness:

In who I am
In where I am going
In loving what is


... i am.

the karaoke cure

Lately, there have been many thoughts running through my mind but none of them wanted to come out in a blog post. However, one thing that is begging attention today is reconnecting with my uninhibited, outgoing self. (Oh, I have missed you so!)

Throughout much of my life, I walked with the confidence as a sure kid/teen/woman, easily talking to people I did not know, engaging in activities that garnered attention and freely expressing myself artistically and intellectually without pause. This has always brought joy and excitement to my soul. I approached tasks and endeavors with vim and passion. Challenging tasks were like crack to me.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I ventured away from this vital part of me. Fortunately, I reignited the pilot light this past weekend. How? Oddly enough: karaoke. Before singing, my inner dialogue went something like this:

"Okay, Melissa, look at the song list and maybe feigning interest will make you blend in and go unnoticed that you don't actually get up and sing."

"Unnoticed??!! You'll look so interested that someone is going to make you get up! What are you so afraid of? You used to do theatre, remember?"

"Of course I remember! The memories intact, it's just the stage freight that we never had back then has accumulated and is rearing it's ugly head now."

"Wimp! Even if you totally suck, it's more about having fun. You do remember fun, right?"

"Alright, screw it. I'm going in. **insert semi-palatable belted out karaoke song here** Hey, that wasn't so bad! It was (dare I say?) exhilarating!"

"See? You really have to stop being such a wallflower, because face it, deep down you are a loud, boisterous, life-filled beam of light! Let it shine, sister, let it shine!"

--end of internal dialogue--

This three minutes of unbridled karaoke crooning got me to thinking about how to truly delve back into the authenticity of myself.

Today I vow to simply be me.
Today I conquer self-created fear.
Today I nourish the self emotionally, artistically and with utter self-kindness.
Today,
I sing!

as the garden blooms, so do i

I have this amazing sense of joy permeating my life.

I am growing and changing daily, and peace is the reward. Life and work entail a lot of stress, but I have learned to approach it with new eyes. Even though I have experienced a lot of exhaustion the past couple of weeks, I feel wonderful deep down.

This past week, I crossed over the half-year mark on my daily yoga practice. Holy shhh....shanti! This practice is truly integral to my journey. This has become part of me.

A couple of days ago, we added the addition of some lovely pink/salmon impatiens. I find myself drawn to the salmon and green colors in the garden. They are inspiring.

I want to paint.

Joy.

narcissism

narcissism, that is what this project is all about. Narcissism.

365 self photo project

I'm starting to get sick of me but I feel compelled to complete it.

exercise your choppers today

choppers
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

My teeth. Yes, my teeth.
When I was young,
they were crooked beyond belief.
Biting partially into the flesh of an apple
revealed the awkward "T" my two front teeth formed.
My canines resided too far north
And my bottom teeth were not much better.

Realignment, that pesky realignment.
I had to wear a retainer for a year before braces could even be affixed.
Then the braces, oh the braces!
A full metal jacket.
The top ones fell off the first couple of days,
so doc had to put the metal band style
that strangled my teeth all the way around.

That big metal gnarly grin was with me for four years,
then another round with the retainer.
Only on top, though.

Needless to say, my bottom teeth decided they liked being disjointed
and moved to places where they preferred the view.

And where's the wisdom in my teeth?
Well, the top ones grew out sideways
and irritated my cheeks to the point of needing removal.
Too bad the Novvcain only liked one of the two and made for a painful departure of the second.

The bottom two wisdom teeth are no wiser.
They are still here and stand in gassho to the molars in front of them, nudging them every so often.

Today, I have an overbite
and one of my bottom teeth has been pushed forward
like the kid getting volunteered to go first in gym class.
Will I realign them again one day? Perhaps.
but until then, it's MY smile
which it comes out when passing strangers on the street
or with each belly laugh provoked
or thinking of my loved ones.
And I'm happy with that.

lump in my throat

lump in my throat
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I spend an inordinate amount of time in my thoughts and not enough time experiencing the sensations and signals that my body is giving me. In the past this trait was much more prevalent, but over time I learned to listen very closely. During graduate school, we were required by the program to experience thirty hours of private therapy. I chose a Gestalt therapist ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_therapy ) because it utilizes present awareness and some mind-body work. This definitely help hone my awareness of where emotions manifest in my body.

During times of sadness, anxiety, fear and stress, I tend to hold my emotions in the base of my throat. I can only describe the sensation as having a dense foam ball the size on a large orange stuffed in there. At times it forces my emotions down and numbs them out for self preservation. Other times, usually when experiencing anxiety, I feel like I cannot scream, speak or express myself.

My Gestalt therapist back in Colorado would have me focus on the sensation, stay with it and experience it without judgement. Inevitably, it is emotionally painful, but not unbearable. It has been wonderfully therapeutic to work through the sensation and not allow it to numb the emotions out.

I occasionally have this lump sensation and this week, I am experiencing it again. My awareness brings me to realize that there are multiple triggers for it this time, but the main one is how slow the State is in assigning my permit number.

For months now, this process creeped along like molasses running down the side of a cold jar. I spoke to them on Monday April 28th and they explained that my education was approved. I inquired if that means I qualify for the permit, to which she explained that it does, but will take some time for the secretary to get everything in order and get the number assigned. Okay, so how long should I expect this step to take? She said I should expect to hear from them in five to ten days.

Apparently, I should have inquired if that meant consecutive days. I called yesterday and no progress has been made. She said I can call again on Friday.

So here I sit, with lots of student loans and a great job offer, and I cannot do anything until the State catalogs me and stamps a number on my head. I am saddened, I am frustrated, I am occasionally numbing out, but I am looking for the lesson in this all. I certainly have learned extreme patience and acceptance of what I am powerless over. I have been reminded that I am not defined by what others do or do not do. I have recognized my integrity by not taking a permanent job that I would knowingly bail out on when my number is assigned.

My sense is that there is more to be learned here, and I will keep my heart, mind and body open to what lesson is lurking below the surface. You see, I have learned also that the lessons are there if we open up to them.

I will breathe through the lump, it will not suffocate me or keep my silent. I will even go to the mountains and scream from them if that is what I need. But first, I will experience the sensation for all it's lumpy goodness.

they called me names

tree II
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Often I add comments on the local newspaper's discussion forums and yesterday I commented on an electric car article. In response I was dubbed a "neo-hippie warm-mongering greenie". Meh, I've been called much worse. Funny stuff, if you ask me. Bring it on, Mr. I-need-my-SUV-to-tow-my-recreational-toys-guy, bring it on!

I hug trees and I love people.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood conscious thinking individual......with a sense of humor.

self examination

self study II
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

As I get healthier, stronger and lose weight, I am amazed how my body is changing. More specifically, I am amazed that I have been exercising without using excuses to skip workouts. I feel better, physically and mentally.

Now it is time to make myself uncomfortable by slowly examining myself, every perfect flaw and all. Of course, it is safe to start with the parts I like and then ease into the other parts, but this is one way I am working towards making myself whole and continuing to improve myself.

on turning 35

35
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I have been having trouble writing lately. Getting my thoughts in order, getting my life in order, order within the chaos. There is this recent struggle between me and my relationship with the number 35. Birthday's and getting older never really bother me, but this year, my 35th revolution around the sun (towards the end of the month), I feel intensely self-reflective, introspective and perhaps a little pensive.

Maybe with age comes wisdom or at least deeper awareness. I am experiencing a greater awareness of the line between internal and external, that point where they touch and blend, and how that line moves or exists in multiple places simultaneously, and even how that boundary dissipates without prompting.

There is a greater awareness of relationships with all the people I connect with daily, both physically and by brainwaves only. Observations of how each one affects me and how I affect them, fills my mind.

My awareness of my relationship with myself has grown tremendously. I have noted subtle changes in my thought processes. I have new experiences with and understanding of the emptiness inside. I have explored more of the intricacies of my psyche. I have a new understanding of The Wife and The Mother. I am gaining perspective and clarity on my past. I am healing the split between mind and body, and that rift grows closer every day.

There is so much happening on the internal physically, spiritually and mentally, and I am struggling with the means of getting it to the external. I sense the floodgates with spring open soon.

ramble on

I'm never satisfied.....and I don't intend to be. I'm not talking about not finding contentment in what is.........for truly I do. I am just not satisfied with settling for things....be it career, education, plans, goals, relationships..... I am not satisfied with stagnation. Stagnation, which is not the same as stillness....there is constant movement in stillness...the wind blowing, blood swimming, air filling lungs..... I don't want staleness or "stuckness". I want to continue learning, continue growing, continue getting more acquainted with my self and with the Self. Yes, I want to ride the wave of growth and claw through the overgrowth. This is part of the whole.

to cut or grow....

That is the question. Don't know what I want to do with "The Do".

Grow it:
Or keep it snipped for a bit:
Gosh, if only I had all the answers.

thoughts without a thinker

I've been thinking a lot about things lately; more so then usual. I've been thinking a lot about my grandmother...how she lived so long on her own, independent, self sufficient and full of life....how she moved into assistant living and had to be put in the Alzheimer's unit, not because she has Alzheimer's but because she kept leaving the building unassisted in an attempt to walk the un-walkable distance to my parents' house. I've been thinking about what goes on in her mind now that she does not reportedly recognize any of us any more. I think about how, between her moments of fear, she still has moments where her smile beams and her face lights up. I wonder if she has memories from this life or if she is very much in the here and now, and is perhaps feeling Zen-like without even trying. I wonder if my grandfather is watching over her, waiting for her to embrace her again. I wonder if she has moments where she sees angels preparing her to be ready to move on and be free from the physical that is slowly failing her. I wonder, when I helped her sit in my mother's car to take her home and I told her I love her and kissed her soft cheek, if she sensed how much I truly love her.

I've been thinking about how difficult this is for my mother; the strong woman who takes everything on with little support, less help and even less complaining. I wonder what I can do to take some of the pain away from her. I wonder where she gets her strength from. I wonder if she knows how much I admire her and am grateful that she is my mother. I think about how much my grandfather is probably surrounding her with love and support since he is definitely her guardian angel.

I wonder if I can get my shit together or at least temporarily pack it aside in order to be more present in what is going on with both of them. I think about doing all that I can to not have any regrets like the one I have from when my "2nd mother" passed away. It is not so much a regret, as it was a lost opportunity.

I have been thinking about love and family. I have been thinking about life and the future. I have been remembering joyful memories. I have been thinking about marriage and children. I have been pondering the differences and similarities between giving up and letting go. And I have come to the conclusion that I am enough, no matter what I am and where I am at.

what did i do last night?

Last night I cried.
I laid down next to Greg.
And I talked and cried and got things out.
I let myself be vulnerable and I did not censor myself.
And my eyes were swollen and red.
And my nose was all runny.
And I talked about my flaws and my weaknesses and some fears.
And he held my hand and hugged me and talked too.
Now I feel less pressure and less tension.
And I feel better and I know I am loved.

DSC05994
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

warning - vulnerable melissa ahead

I have struggled to write about this. Actually, I have sat down multiple times and began wondering if I ever really would. Never before have I found a topic so difficult to pen, but this one is. It is not that I am worried about being vulnerable or seeming "less then tough", I think this has just been a subject that I did not want to express to myself. Consider this a mini-therapy, "go someplace that makes you scared" post.

I struggle with weddings. Just typing that statement feels so trivial. It is not weddings themselves, or people that I know and love getting married. I celebrate other peoples' unions wholeheartedly. This is more about roles in life, disappointments and past scars. (Ack!!! the "baggage"!!!)

To start out, let me explain how I was raised. I come from a family where marriage generally happens once, and it endures through times, good, bad and the spectrum in between. My grandparents stayed married, aunts, uncles, cousins and my parents...all married, mates for life. I was also raised with the belief that I should never live my life relying on a man, because every woman needs to be able to stand on her own. I agree with this. I think everyone, man or woman, should be secure enough, especially financially, for survivalism.

Now for more personal info. Marriage was not something I ever pushed for or tried to force, I just happen to have a history of engagements and long term relationships where marriage was discussed. I, however, have never wed.

With my first engagement, we were young but we agreed to being engaged for a long time before we even set a date. Some people in my life disregarded this engagement as "being real" and that hurt. That relationship ended abruptly a few years later. He is a good person, but our lives were very different. I was blessed with a wonderful family and had no major traumas (well, except eggplant...make note to write a blog explaining that), his life was hard and he struggled with drugs and major traumas. He broke up with me, said he made a mistake, got back together a week later, broke up again, he wanted to get back.... I encouraged him to get counseling. It was over. No hard feelings.

The next serious relationship lasted six years. There was talk about marriage, but it never went beyond that. He gave me his word that it was what he wanted, but when his mother offered us her engagement ring and he blew the idea off, I knew that it would not be forever. I did not leave, we dated for quite some time more. Then I got sides-wiped at the end. For the final month, I had been in rehearsal for a show I was doing in the city and did not get to see him much. He kept giving me his word that things would be fine once my performances were over. Needless to say, the day after the last curtain call, the curtain went down on the relationship as well. Insult to injury, actually. I had fallen down a flight of stair and got rushed to the hospital after the last performance. The next day, I heard from a mutual friend that he and I had broken up. This news was confirmed by him in a parking lot.

The last engagement/relationship/fiasco lasted quite a few years, on and off. I went into this relationship not expecting to ever get engaged or married. When he first mentioned getting me a ring, he was really sick so I wrote it off to delirium from his fever. When he was back down to 98.5, he brought up the topic again. Hmmm, maybe he was serious. We got engaged, even had a party with friends and family. But that relationship crashed and burned...several times. After the fact, friends and family openly expressed all the negative things about him and how they figured the relationship would not last anyway.

I realize that I am the common thread through all these relationships. I began seriously questioning what was wrong with me; why was I bring mates into my life that have talked out of both sides of their mouths? Was I just ignoring the red flags? Was I so much of a hopeless romantic that I believed that the storybook ending was possible or was I just hopeless? So what do I do? I put on my happy face, crack some jokes and pretend that I am tough enough to handle anything. And I am relatively good at that. Stuffing down pain, never letting them see you sweat, all that mumbo-jumbo. When a relative attending my brother's wedding insensitively brought up my former engagement party (when I am clearly with a very different, much more wonderful guy) the knife was turned. I cracked a joke, changed the subject and looked for the quickest exit away from said relative. But all this past stuff, the baggage, the wounds, the scars, can work wonders on the psyche.

I sit here now, living with a wonderful man. A man I have known since I was a punk chick teenager and we both were cool enough to produce our own zines. (I should share the story of how we became a "we". It's a strange and wonderful tale.) And I struggle. I struggle with fully healing past hurts so as to not infect this current relationship. I struggle with keeping the anxiety at bay when people inquire, "so when are you two getting married?" I struggle with staying in the here and now, staying out of my head and keeping grounded in what is. I struggle with insecurities and self-imposed expectations. I struggle with keeping up the illusion of a tough woman who can handle it all. I struggle with letting go of outcomes. And I mostly struggle with admitting that, yes, I have been "always the fiance, never the bride" and even admitting that, yes, I want to one day get married.

So here it is, a post that I found hard to write. It took me three sittings to get through it. I debated writing it and deleting it, since it shows the blog-world one of my vulnerabilities. It demonstrates that despite my want to be an independent, strong woman, I still do want to be a wife. I do not know where I started believing "wife" is not synonymous with "strong woman", especially since my mom is an incredibly strong woman and a wife.

I am working on it, all of it, and trying to make myself a better person, mate and strong woman.

oh yes, it's about me (again)

Sometimes when I have difficulty coming up with things to write about, I get a little inspiration from other peoples' lists about themselves. I then use it as a "template" to think about myself. (I know, I know, it's always all about ME. Hey, it's what I am trying to learn about most…myself.) Read it or not….here I come:

- I am the younger sibling. I have an older brother.
- My middle name is my mother's first name and I am very proud to include my middle initial when I sign my name.
- I was not named after anybody or anything. My parents simply liked the name Melissa.
- I am an intellectual snob and I find people who act stupid annoying.
- I am a college class and degree junkie: I long to be working towards additional letters after my name.
- I was born and raised on Long Island. You can take the girl out of NY but you cannot take the NY out of the girl.
- I lived in only two places on LI for the first twenty-nine years of my life.
- Five years after I graduated from Dowling College, I moved to Lafayette, Colorado to attend grad school at Naropa University in Boulder.
- I lived in three towns/cities in Colorado, but six different apartments over a three and a half year period.
- If you want to make me all warm and fuzzy, little surprises do the trick. (notes, inexpensive but thoughtful gifts, hugs and kisses when least expected, etc.)
- I am an actor, but have not been able to audition for four years.
- My earliest memory is from when I was a toddler. My parents were swinging me while holding my hands as we walked through a parking (I think it was at the DMV).
- I claim not to be materialistic, but I wish we were more financially comfortable.
- I used to work as an Interpreter for the Deaf, but then I started feeling like a paid parrot, repeating people all day.
- I love creating art, but I am afraid to start painting and drawing again.
- I love taking photographs. It feels like the safest way to get back into creating.
- The sight of Greg's smile and the sound of his laugh make me weak at the knees.
- There are very few foods I dislike, but I abhor eggplant…always have.
- I take milk and sugar or stevia in my coffee, and my tea straight up.
- I prefer loose tea to tea in bags, but I hate cleaning out the tea holder.
- I do not lose my cool very easily, but when someone crosses me too far, I can be vicious.
- I got my tattoos done in different states.
- The first time I went on a plane it was to Florida, the second time was to Hawaii.
- I took a semester of interior design just because I wanted to be back in school before moving to Colorado.
- It is almost impossible to get me away from a farm stand without having purchased something.
- I cannot get enough of tomatoes and tomato products.
- I eat salsa straight from the jar.
- We moved to Rhode Island to be closer to family and friends.
- If I could only eat one ethnic food for the rest of my life, I would probably pick Japanese.
- I love New Hampshire's White Mountains.
- I would be a full vegetarian if I could give up sushi.
- I will not watch the news in the evening.
- I have bitten my fingernails since I was a child.
- My parents are still married.
- My favorite color is orange. It is followed closely by red.
- I love chocolate, but it makes me itch.
- I only had poison ivy once, and it was because my cousin and I wanted to see if we would get a rash if we rubbed it on our skin. I had a few itchy spots on my arm, but my cousin reacted so badly her eyes almost swelled closed.
- I prefer performing in comedies, but others tell me I am better at drama.
- I prefer coffee to tea.
- I love wine, but rarely drink it.
- I stopped drinking soda back in 1987, but get cravings for it before I come down with a cold.
- I used to bartend at gay bars and industrial/goth clubs.
- I own toe shoes but have not taken a ballet class in many years.
- I am afraid of ocean water.
- Three years ago, we found out that our Irish lineage first came though Canada and one set of great grandparents were born in Newfoundland.
- I used to play sports on boys' teams back when there were no girls' teams around for sports like ice hockey.
- I am okay, but not great at board games.
- I think I am a decent at dominoes.
- I am highly competitive.
- My first band obsession was Duran Duran.
- I was sad when my shoe size grew bigger than my mom's so I could no longer borrow her shoes.
- I easily cry and get emotional over beautiful things like babies being born or people being honored for humanitarian acts.
- I am a pretty good cook, but sometimes my "experiments" do not come out so good.
- I have only seen 23 of AFI's 2007 100 best movies list.
- I have never read a romance novel.
- I prefer non-fiction to fiction.
- I have not practiced organized religion since making my confirmation in sixth grade.
- But I do feel spiritual and blessed every day.
- I have strong calves.
- I have always gotten along well with my brother.
- I wish I had a dog and a rabbit.
- I love to have my hand held.
- I have a newly cultivated love for gardening (pun intended).
- I hate cleaning the dishes.
- My teeth are of crooked even though I had a retainer for a year, braces for four and a retainer again for a year.
- My wisdom teeth pushed the others out of alignment.
- I still have my bottom wisdom teach and they tilt forward into my molars.
- I was absolutely devastated when Jim Henson died.
- The part of my body that I would most like to alter is tummy.
- I was diagnosed with lupus in the past, but do not test for it now. My symptoms were from using artificial sweeteners. Once I stopped using them, my joint pains dissipated.
- I wish I could dance better.
- One of my favorite expressions of affection is how Greg holds my hand while we fall asleep.
- I think that breakfast food can be eaten at any time of the day.
- I do not like the smell of perfume or artificial scents. They give me a headache.
- The bone lateral to my left eye has an indent from a cyst I was born with and subsequently had removed at ten months old. No one notices it until I point it out.
- I stabbed my own foot with a pitchfork when I was in second grade.
- I have a small scar on my right index finger from when my brother accidentally cut my finger with loping shears.
- I still like gardening despite the last two things I wrote.
- I am an Aries and I am rather Aries-like.
- It bugs me when people spit in public.
- I occasionally freak out when driving down narrow roads next to bodies of water.
- I think every woman should love her beauty.
- But I have trouble seeing my own.
- I never realized the capacity of love until I saw Bernadette's daughter Annalise for the first time.
- I find driving therapeutic.
- I love hiking in the woods.
- And doing yoga.
- My eyes are green but were blue until I was two.
- I also had straight hair as a child.
- I wish I could speak Spanish.
- I did one-on-one therapy for Deaf clients in my internship.
- My favorite musical is The Scarlet Pimpernel.
- I do not usually wear bracelets.
- I only own a few pieces of jewelry that actually cost more than $10, but I rarely wear them.
- I suck at returning phone calls.
- I love the mountains, but I missed the ocean when I lived in Colorado.
- I am a very affectionate woman.
- I love to laugh and can find humor in just about anything.
- I respect privacy and confidences.
- I love cold weather.

so what's up?

So, what have I been up to lately?

• Reading up on and starting to implement a closer to rawfoods diet. I have been adding lots of fruits and veggies to my days. Much of the articles and books on the topic explain the benefits of diets ranging from 50-50 (raw/cooked) to as close to 100% raw. Decrease in headaches, eliminating sinus problems, improved skin, clearer eyes (How do you get your whites so white?), less heartburn, weigh loss, and increased energy are recurrent themes in what I am reading. I am picking and choosing the parts of the information that make the most sense to me and trying them out to see how my body reacts. So far it seems positive. Discussing it with my acupuncturist she concurs that my body and blood type will likely respond well to such eating habits. The increase in water-filled foods should help both my deep-entrenched dryness (as evidenced by the "cracks" in my tongue) and help lower my body temperature (which tends to run high normally, increases with the slightest sign of infection or illness, or when I have an increase in anxiety/stress). I will keep you updated on this.
• Stress!!! It seems that stress comes and goes in waves at my job. These past two weeks have been exhausting and very stressful. I love my career, but sometimes it gets disheartening when you witness how many of these kids' families, the "system" and their situations have set them up for failure. As a clinician, you can only do so much; plant a seed, add a drop to their buckets, and hope that many other people and experiences in their lives will continue adding more. Then maybe they will overcome the adversity that they've been born into and have successful happy lives. Unfortunately, many of them will repeat the patterns of their families, but I know that some of them will succeed. Of course, I have to let go of outcomes because they are out of my control. I do what I can and hope they take some of that with them in their journeys. It is just sometimes overwhelming to recognize how widespread the negativity is.
• Making plans and researching. Ha ha ha! I'm still not going to explain this topic on here yet.
• A couple of trips back home are planned for upcoming weddings. We have Greg's friends' wedding soon. Luckily, I will likely know at least some of the guests since there are overlaps in circles of friends. And my brother's wedding is real soon!!! Woot woot! I still cannot believe he is actually getting married, but he is...for real. And we absolutely love his bride to be. She's already family....but now it will be legal.
• Spring (fall) cleaning. Going through stuff, cleansing, and getting rid of the unnecessaries.
• Sleeping like a log. I have been falling asleep quicker than usual (and that is really quick) and sleeping deep, deep, deep. When I woke up these past two mornings, my body is screaming for more. I think this is from the stress and minor sinus infection I've had going on. I should be able to catch up on some sleep this weekend.

Well, folks, I have to get to work. That's all for now.

is that the world revolving around me?

Random facts about this blogger:

I never understood the idea of blogging, never wanted to engage in it, but once I started reading other peoples' writing I was inspired.

My name, Melissa, has no story behind it. My parents just liked the name.

If I was born a boy, I would have been Daniel.

My nickname, Misslissa, was inadvertently given to me by my best friend's father when I was in junior high. Somewhere between 7th and 8th grade I became "too cool" to stay with my original nickname, Missy, and wanted to be called the more "highly sophisticated" Melissa. Enter best friends dad who caught himself mid-Missy while saying hello and ended up calling me Misssss-lissa. It stuck.

The only people that still call me Missy are my aunt, uncle and cousins on my father's side of the family, my friend Doug (who never knew me before junior high) and, occasionally, my father.

I answer to Melissa, Misslissa, Missy and even Michelle. Throughout my life, people have mistakenly called me Michelle so often that I will answer to it, respond to whatever they were beckoning me for, and nonchalantly point out their error at the end of the conversation. They inevitably appear embarrassed.

I've been friends with my best friend, Bernadette, since junior high.

I also consider my mother my best friend.

Greg is also my best friend.

I believe we can have as many best friends as we want in this life.

I have a food sensitivity to chocolate, but on occasion, I still consume it.

Performance is a hobby. I have done various forms of acting (indie film, stage, dinner theatre, etc.) which I took up on a whim. I found a posting on a bulletin board for murder mystery dinner theatre, went on the audition for the hell of it, and was hooked....almost obsessed when I first started.

I love belting out songs really loud when I am driving alone. I don't even care if people look at me strange.

Today I was singing old school hard core music.

I want to one day perform stand up comedy. Problem is, my humor is rather situational and I would probably bomb on stage. I'd still be willing to try it anyway. I could always live off the tomatoes that are chucked at me.

When I am quiet, it doesn't mean there is something wrong. I love taking time to simply observe the world and I do not always have to be my loud self to be okay.

Changing my hair cut and color makes me feel good.

I believe tofu can be really yummy if it's prepared right.

I have been a public radio listener since I stumbled on "Whad'ya know?" in the early 90's.

Number of states I've lived in: 3 (NY, CO and RI)

Number of towns: 6

Number of abodes: 9

I eat salsa straight from the jar.

I named my first car "Tully" strictly for the reason that I wanted to name the second one "Tully II".

I have known my boyfriend for 18 years. We met each other though the zines we had individually produced back in high school and were friends for years. We lost contact after community college but found each other again when he happened to move to Denver while I was living there.

Closest I've lived to a partner: the same apartment

Furthest: 2000 miles away

I got my first flat tire in Southold, NY.

When I quit figure skating, I took up ice hockey. When I stopped playing ice hockey, I took up ballet. I recently took up skateboarding.

I once stabbed my own foot with a pitchfork and my brother cut my finger with loping sheers. I still enjoy gardening today.

I am too tired to proofread this entry.

I love life, even when it's difficult, I simply love it. Life is never boring.

What else, random or not, would you like to know?