Thursday, July 5, 2007

dream of filling emptiness

One of the things I try to avoid is staying entirely up in my head. My mind continuously runs with ideas, thoughts, plans, reminiscence, puzzles, lists, troubles and the such. While I value my mind, sometimes the all encompassing thinking keeps me from listening to my body. Our bodies have so much knowledge, as well as evidence of past traumas/events, and often gives a path to answers we are looking for. Staying centered in my body also helps me keep present and grounded.

It's ironic that being a "thinker" with a disconnected body, three of my most rewarding (and challenging) classes at Naropa were Gestalt Therapy, Authentic Movement and Holotropic Breathwork. Many gestalt techniques involve body responses and reactions. Authentic movement is entirely about letting the body move how it deems appropriate and can often evoke the embodiment of stuck or current emotions/experiences. I also had an entirely somatic experience when I participated in a Holotropic Breathwork weekend workshop.

Recently I have brought my awareness to feelings of emptiness and how, in the past, I have filled that sensation with food. Though my eating habits have changed to a much healthier plan over past few years, I still find old urges arise at times (even for chocolate which I have an allergy to). When examining what the cravings truly are, I realize it is much more about emotion than real food cravings: past loses and the realization of things that have not yet manifested in my life. Much more the latter.

Yesterdays "talk" with my body/emotion came to a strong desire. I have such a strong desire to have a child. Those of you that know me well already know that I've had "baby brain" since my early 20's, but it had never been the right time, or with the right guy. I don't regret any of my choices, for I would not have what I have today. Even the most horrific events have bred some positive outcomes (an optimistic realist?). My friends with children say that "it's never the right time, there's never enough money....just breed already!" Then there's the fear that comes with becoming a mother or even conceiving a child, especially now that I am 34. But I can't imaging going through life without having a child. I watch with amazement as my goddaughter, Lily, and her older sister, Annalise, grow and learn. How I never even knew the capacity of love until the first time I laid my eyes on Annalise when she was born! These wonderful girls are my best friend Bernadette's daughters...I can't even comprehend what love is like for a child you bear yourself, not yet at least.

I will continue living my life and, if all things line up correctly, I too will bestow my love on my own son or daughter.

To dream, to dream, to dream!

As I listen to my dreams

And ask my partner to dance,

We'll waltz into what will be!

2 comments:

Joe S. said...

Tough decision, that one. Whether or not to have a child.

I feel guilty that I'm denying my mom her grandchildren, yet is that reason enough to have children? I don't know that I'm ready for the responsibility, and it is a BIG responsibility. Perhaps the biggest.

I do have a solid career now, and I would say that that is essential to have before deciding to have kids. I don't agree with the "there's never enough money, just have kids" crowd. How can someone support a family if they can barely support themselves?

Melissa said...

Joe,

No, I can't imagine you telling your kids after they give you the rant of "I didn't ask to be born!" with "Well, neither did I! It's your grandmother's fault!" ha ha

Of course, there are important things to consider, such as the mother's age (which is of concern to me) and increased risks for things like genetic disorders as well as more difficulty conceiving.

Nature doesn't care much if you are financially ready. I can't imagine my life without a child.