Tuesday, July 31, 2007

my own worst enemy

I often engage in conversation with a worker, my friend, from one of the other agencies in the building at work. He "gets it". He has a different perspective of the world and the truth than most people. He also does not look at me strange when I ramble and bounce ideas off him. It helps to be able to express the mumbo-jumbo jumble of thoughts and ideas crammed up in my noggin. Yesterday, during a talk regarding the kids we concurrently work with, I was venting my frustrations, hopes and ideas, when my train of thought lead to an "a-ha" self-realization moment:

"What are these kids fighting against? They are fighting against things that are not the enemy. They are creating their own 'enemies'. Since it is coming from within them, they are their own enemies. What are they struggling against? What am I struggling against? I am struggling against myself. I am my own enemy." Whew. Now that does not negate the existence of the negative external factors, but I realize that I am creating more of my own suffering by fighting against myself. I felt emotions start to percolate, but chose to keep them to myself to explore later. Partially because I was acting the professional and mainly because I would have interrupted the work that my friend was chipping away at diligently.

How does this self enemy appear? In dissatisfaction with where I am at in my career, in frustrations with the things I dislike about the workplace, with self-sabotaging behaviours, in not taking care of myself to the optimal level, in feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, in beating myself up when I do something half-assed, by giving up or not trying things because of self-doubt and, I'm sure if I put my mind to it, I can list more. This certainly comes in waves, ebbing and flowing throughout my weeks or even within my days.

Awareness is the first step towards change. This is something I am going to spend some time exploring. How fully am I my own enemy? I want to embody this, experience it with all the emotions it conjures. I will explore this split; where it comes from. Then see what comes from this exploration. Maybe I will befriend myself.

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