fat and happy

Baby and Me

I'm posting this for all of us that read the "I can't believe how quickly I've gotten the baby weight off" posts on message boards and think "sheesh, what the heck is wrong with me and my jiggly body?"
I was overweight pre-getting-knocked-up. I put on close to 60 pounds during pregnancy. I'm many weeks postpartum and I still have some of the baby weight on my already fluffy body.

I'm big.
I'm curvy.
I'm voluptuous.
I have more to hug.
I know it's going to take a lot more time to, not only lose the baby weight, but to also get my fitness swerve back on and reach my goal weight again.
And that's okay!

I'm also happy. This body put on weight to help grow this beautiful, perfect and healthy child sleeping in my arms.
These larger-than-ever breasts nourish her.
These jiggly arms cradle her.
This close-to-double chin gives her a safe spot to nuzzle.
This extra layer of fat keeps her warm when she snuggles up.


The weight will come off and my muscles will have strength and definition again.
In the meantime, I will love every extra inch of this body between now and goal because it belongs to me and my baby. I am no less of a person because there is more of me.

Pure Joy

the karaoke cure

Lately, there have been many thoughts running through my mind but none of them wanted to come out in a blog post. However, one thing that is begging attention today is reconnecting with my uninhibited, outgoing self. (Oh, I have missed you so!)

Throughout much of my life, I walked with the confidence as a sure kid/teen/woman, easily talking to people I did not know, engaging in activities that garnered attention and freely expressing myself artistically and intellectually without pause. This has always brought joy and excitement to my soul. I approached tasks and endeavors with vim and passion. Challenging tasks were like crack to me.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line I ventured away from this vital part of me. Fortunately, I reignited the pilot light this past weekend. How? Oddly enough: karaoke. Before singing, my inner dialogue went something like this:

"Okay, Melissa, look at the song list and maybe feigning interest will make you blend in and go unnoticed that you don't actually get up and sing."

"Unnoticed??!! You'll look so interested that someone is going to make you get up! What are you so afraid of? You used to do theatre, remember?"

"Of course I remember! The memories intact, it's just the stage freight that we never had back then has accumulated and is rearing it's ugly head now."

"Wimp! Even if you totally suck, it's more about having fun. You do remember fun, right?"

"Alright, screw it. I'm going in. **insert semi-palatable belted out karaoke song here** Hey, that wasn't so bad! It was (dare I say?) exhilarating!"

"See? You really have to stop being such a wallflower, because face it, deep down you are a loud, boisterous, life-filled beam of light! Let it shine, sister, let it shine!"

--end of internal dialogue--

This three minutes of unbridled karaoke crooning got me to thinking about how to truly delve back into the authenticity of myself.

Today I vow to simply be me.
Today I conquer self-created fear.
Today I nourish the self emotionally, artistically and with utter self-kindness.
Today,
I sing!

today i will try something new

shoes
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Today, I will try to do things in a different way.
Today, I started with yoga.
Today, is the first day I am doing yoga twice a day.
Today, I am opening my eyes wider than before.
Today, I am spending time with one of my favorite women.
Today, I am doing my very best.
Today, I am being extra kind towards myself.
Today, I am savor every moment.
Today, I am breathing deeper than before.
Today, I am loving endlessly.

weeeeeeeeeeeee!

weeeeeeeeeeeee!
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

Vacations from work are fun! Even if you don't go away.

I spent many hours at Caumsett State Park yesterday with my mom. Of all the years I have lived on Long Island, I had never been to this park. What a great place! There's a paved bike/hike path, a historical self-guided tour, bridle paths, unpaved paths, bird watching, polo fields, mansions, a dairy and even a swing by the Sound!

I am thrilled to have spent so many hours there breathing in the salty air, enjoying the intermittent sun and spending time with my mother (who, unfortunately hurt her leg while we were there - the only downside of the day). This is the start to peeling away the layers of stress that accumulated over the past few months.

And, boy, did I sleep well last night! Aaaah!!!!

ah, go take a hike!

And indeed I plan to. This upcoming week is all about recharging, self-care and creativity. I took the week off from work because, well frankly, I am just plain exhausted! Tuckered out, if you will.

The plan is to take some yoga classes, lace up the inline skates and hit the pavement, tie up the hikers for some trails and tune up the bike for a spin. There is always ice skating or maybe even a few more jogs. Do you see a theme here? Physical activities that I love!

Creativity will come in by creating some art or new jewelry pieces. I picked up new colored pencils I need to break in and have some wire I want to play with.

I wonder if I have time to pick up a book and read?

Oooo! Prepping the ground and planning the garden...getting my hands dirty with earth sounds divine!

I feel eager and excited to dive in to some serious self-care. I am all about resting, creating and living. Anyone care to join me?

next week

I will be taking the week off from work commencing next Monday. Here is my tentative plan:

exploring local hiking trails
taking a yoga class or two
resting
letting Sherman hop around my feet
reading
creating art
writing
clearing my mind
deep breathing
prepping the garden and sowing seeds
laughing

Anyone care to join me?

changing "growls" to "om"

The feeling of disconnect is prevalent in my World lately. Mainly stemming from the misalignment of my neck and subsequent shoulder pain, I am incredibly "off." Feelings of exhaustion due to lack of quality sleep on top of the physical discomfort is taking it's toll. Every day is a challenge to get through as I simply do not function well on little sleep.

Tuesday involved a trip to the doctor but there was not much he could do for me because my insurance only covers chest x-rays. (Great insurance, huh? Good thing I did not go in with a broken bone or I would have been s.o.l. The doc actually advised me to go elsewhere if I ever break my leg.) I suggested he have the technician do a chest x-ray with bad aim but, dang it, he would not go for it. Since this is a recurrent problem he wants me to go see an orthopedist who, presumably, will be able to x-ray and see what is going on inside me. Now, I am just waiting for the referral. Patience, patient!

In the meantime, I am continuing my daily yoga practice with careful diligence. I continue to (try to) focus on staying grounded, but this is not always easy. Perhaps, taking some vacation days from work in order to recharge is in order. Perhaps a visit to my acupuncturist or massage therapist would be helpful. Yes, I think it is indeed time. Time to ratchet up the self care until I can get realigned.

joy

There are some days that I experience pure joy. I am not referring to having something joy-triggered happen or remembering a joyful moment from the past. I am talking about pure, pervasive joy. Joy that pulses through my veins and swirls around every cell of my body. The kind of joy that allows my breath to deepen and my daydreams to dance.

This level of joy seems to affect me more frequently these days. In it I feel lighter. I feel as though I can illuminate and radiate this joy to the World, and I wish to bestow as much as I can on to those around me.

I think this arises from keeping my feet grounded while allowing my thoughts to soar. I believe the daily yoga practice and treating myself with loving kindness contributes to it greatly. Having wonderful people in my life is another key component, as well as connecting with creative, vibrant people. All of this and more fuels the joy, and for this I am grateful!

new blog

Hello loyal readers and newbies alike. I have decided to begin a second blog. As a mental health counselor, it is vital that I keep my personal life, thoughts and information separate from my work life. By not allowing clients to know too much about me it keeps the therapeutic relationship professional and solid boundaries make therapy much more effective. The other reason is that I want a place where I can write more personal posts without having to worry about compromising my therapy practice.

What is this other blog, you ask? I have decided it is fitting to title it Finding Maitri. Maitri, or metta, means lovingkindness. This is a forum where I am documenting my journey of find lovingkindness for myself; something I struggle with daily. Though I am mostly open and honest in this blog, I am allowing Finding Maitri to evolve into a documentation of my personal journey where I am letting myself be completely vulnerable and open about my struggles and growth, my pains and discoveries, and my fears and joys.

Finding Maitri is by invite only, however, I am opening it up to anyone whom I know personally, those that I trust and/or have already developed online friendships with, and those of you that I can verify who you are (If I do not know you, as long you can give me some evidence that you are not linked to my workplace, I'll grant you access. I know, I know..so hard to prove a negative, but try anyway.)

Let me know if you want me to send you an invite (most of you know multiple ways of getting in touch with me). I just need your email address to send you an invite. And fear not, Dr Schnookleheimer fans, I will continue my scribed gallivanting on here.

special stuff, anyone? anyone?

Last week, I began my new job at a mental health outpatient clinic which (rockingly) includes having my very own office, the construction of which was completed the week prior to starting. To create an environment much more conducive to therapy I started filling it with a few things to make it warmer, more comfortable and, well, therapeutic. The basic canvas has four bare, slightly off white walls, industrial grey carpeting (with an unfortunate seam down the middle) and some stock office furniture.

I added a couple of chocolate brown pillows to the officey-maroon chairs, put a few natural elements in baskets and bowls, and put a blue ceramic fish (who needs a name) on my desk to keep me company between clients. A cheap CD player from Target allows me to play some soft music in the background for calming purposes (and also to try and aid with confidentiality since the walls are thin and I have not received a white noise machine). Or it will allow me to add ambiance, once I get a better supply of relaxing, classical or instrumental music for such purposes.

Then I got to thinking and decided I would love to include some art, little items and (non-people) photos from people I know (in life and in cyberland). I am not usually one to ask for things (even when I really, really, really need something.... I can be a very stubborn Aries) but this time it feels right to ask and see what happens.

So here's my request: I would love to incorporate special little things from you all to bring some positive energy to my office, my clients and even me (Heck, I need to stay grounded in order to help clients feel the same). It would really mean a lot to me and make my shoebox of an office (see below) more of a sacred, therapeutic place. Mind you, I am not looking for things of monetary value. I wish for things like 4x6 photo prints, art work/doodles, tactile items, squishy things for clients to...well...squish, natural objects to add to the bowls, hand written words of wisdom I can frame, creative stuff and, well, if you were in a mental health therapist's office what would you like to see, hear, smell, or touch?

Please do not feel obligated, but if something in your heart makes you want to be a part of my "therapy container" and help me assist those needing counseling find their answers in order to heal, it would mean so much to me. Like I said, I do not usually ask for things, but for some reason this just feels right. If you are interested, contact me (comment, phone call, email, flickr mail, smoke signals, telepathy, etc).

Of course, positive thoughts to help me "hold the space" for my clients are equally appreciated.

Much thanks,

Melissa

Yeah, it isn't pretty....yet.

lump in my throat

lump in my throat
Originally uploaded by misslissa13

I spend an inordinate amount of time in my thoughts and not enough time experiencing the sensations and signals that my body is giving me. In the past this trait was much more prevalent, but over time I learned to listen very closely. During graduate school, we were required by the program to experience thirty hours of private therapy. I chose a Gestalt therapist ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gestalt_therapy ) because it utilizes present awareness and some mind-body work. This definitely help hone my awareness of where emotions manifest in my body.

During times of sadness, anxiety, fear and stress, I tend to hold my emotions in the base of my throat. I can only describe the sensation as having a dense foam ball the size on a large orange stuffed in there. At times it forces my emotions down and numbs them out for self preservation. Other times, usually when experiencing anxiety, I feel like I cannot scream, speak or express myself.

My Gestalt therapist back in Colorado would have me focus on the sensation, stay with it and experience it without judgement. Inevitably, it is emotionally painful, but not unbearable. It has been wonderfully therapeutic to work through the sensation and not allow it to numb the emotions out.

I occasionally have this lump sensation and this week, I am experiencing it again. My awareness brings me to realize that there are multiple triggers for it this time, but the main one is how slow the State is in assigning my permit number.

For months now, this process creeped along like molasses running down the side of a cold jar. I spoke to them on Monday April 28th and they explained that my education was approved. I inquired if that means I qualify for the permit, to which she explained that it does, but will take some time for the secretary to get everything in order and get the number assigned. Okay, so how long should I expect this step to take? She said I should expect to hear from them in five to ten days.

Apparently, I should have inquired if that meant consecutive days. I called yesterday and no progress has been made. She said I can call again on Friday.

So here I sit, with lots of student loans and a great job offer, and I cannot do anything until the State catalogs me and stamps a number on my head. I am saddened, I am frustrated, I am occasionally numbing out, but I am looking for the lesson in this all. I certainly have learned extreme patience and acceptance of what I am powerless over. I have been reminded that I am not defined by what others do or do not do. I have recognized my integrity by not taking a permanent job that I would knowingly bail out on when my number is assigned.

My sense is that there is more to be learned here, and I will keep my heart, mind and body open to what lesson is lurking below the surface. You see, I have learned also that the lessons are there if we open up to them.

I will breathe through the lump, it will not suffocate me or keep my silent. I will even go to the mountains and scream from them if that is what I need. But first, I will experience the sensation for all it's lumpy goodness.

sick and too hard on myself

Upon rising from bed the room whipped around so quickly, I stumbled over to the left (yes, the left). Apparently, my sinuses had some hidden congestion that it wasn't letting my nose in on; I could breathe just fine but, oh, the spinning! I resorted to taking some sinus meds first thing, but an hour later every turn, tilt or bend of the head sent me on a nauseating roller coaster ride....and I usually love roller coasters (read: obsessed even). But this was not fun. I felt my head heat up and the decongestant did nothing but make me thirsty. Needless to say, I called in sick at work. There was no way I would have been able to drive in any semblance of a straight line. (I know, you never go straight, go forward. If you stay straight you eventually hit something. Forward has more leeway. But I digress.)

The first three hours at home, I was only able to keep my head in one position in order to cease the spins. Was this a comfortable position? Not particularly. I had to keep it tilted at about a 47 degree angle, directly back. The second round of sinus meds slowed the room around enough to lay down on my side or back and doze off to some boring daytime television. After my second and third naps of the day, I found my inner critic whipping me from behind squealing, "What are you doing wasting your day just watching television and snoozing???? Get up and be productive! You should be cleaning and packing and doing stuff!!!" And so the battle began. Evil Critic on one shoulder jabbing me in the temple with a hot poker, and Sickly Angle-like Being on the standing on my right kneecap weakly shouting back, "You're sick! Be kind to yourself and your body and nap, nap, nap. It is okay." But Evil Critic was relentless with her jeering.

However, sick sometimes beats evil so I did nothing productive. I'm still looking around at all the stuff that needs to get done, sighing with despair, but my body is saying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I guess I could try reasoning with Evil Critic, but sometimes it's just as easy to flick her off my shoulder and into the pile of empty boxes that need to be filled.

i wonder...

I wonder how much less Salvation Army holiday season bell ringers take in now that no one seems to carry cash anymore. Perhaps if they set up next to those CoinStar change machines donations would increase.......or will people just start rolling their own change?

Do not forget to give a little extra for those that have less. Charity, in whatever form, not only helps others but makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Win-Win.

unfortunate synchronicities and requested blessings

Two days ago, not only was there the car accident by my apartment, but one of my girlfriends from work was rear-ended with her two kids in the car. Luckily, it no one involved was injured too severely. Earlier in the week her son slipped and hit his head on the floor at school. It has been a rough week for her. This dear woman and mother has been through so much in her life and is, indeed, a survivor. This brings up the cliche' but apropos question, "Why do bad things happen to good people?"

I believe in the power of prayer, positive thought, positive intention, etc. I also believe that the more positive energy, the better the outcome. If you can find a moment in your day to send some "good vibes" to my friend and her kids, I would appreciate it. Even if you are skeptical, even a well wishing of good fortune to her helps. (Hey, you've got nothing to lose, plus even if you don't believe in it, you get some good Karma points added to your account.)

With good, positive intentions and thoughts to all of you, I bid you, dear readers, many blessings yourself!

the car crash and humanity

We were sitting at our computer reviewing some newer photos when it happened. The horrific and unmistakable crunching of metal and plastic; a car accident last night in front of the building next door. There were no screeching tires before the loud thud, just the sound of the impact followed by the backing up of one vehicle and voices yelling at it to stop. Peering through the red Venetian blinds out the window, it was obvious what happened. A late model mid-sized SUV hit a late model Honda parked on the street in front of the stores next door. I asked Greg to call 911 immediately, put on my shoes and went outside.

The SUV hit the parked car pretty hard as evidenced by how far the Honda was pushed out into the driving lane and the damage to the front end of the truck. Standing on the sidewalk were the owners and family/employee/patrons of the Korean restaurant, as well as two random spectators. The owner of the parked Honda, a twenty-something Korean, evidently angered, was pacing and glaring wild-eyed at the woman sitting behind the wheel of the SUV. His girlfriend was unsuccessfully trying to calm him. I asked if they were in the car or injured to which he slightly shook his head "no" while still staring down the driver. The owner of Sun and Moon was on the phone and the others were all chattering in Korean, a language I am not versed. With all of these people, including the two random spectators, no one went over and see if the driver, the only person physically involved in the accident, was okay.

I walked over to her open passenger window to hear her, in a barely audible utterance, saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over. She was evidently upset and possibly experiencing shock over what had just occurred. I am sure this was only being exasperated by the irate Honda owner looking like he wanted to pull her out of the truck and pummel her to pieces. I walked around to the driver's side and motioned for her to roll down the window. The smell of a freshly smoked cigarette permeated my nostrils, but no scent of alcohol. Her facial expression was that of complete upset, practically frozen that way, and she was still saying "I'm sorry". She was almost completely holding her breath and might have expected me to scold her as the others were doing. I gently put my hand on her shoulder, looked her in the eye with compassion and asked her if she was injured. She quietly said "no" and there was no sign of external injury. All I could do for her was to talk calmly, gather her focus and ask her to take some deep breaths. At that point, the first police car pulled up and asked me and the one other spectator, who kept her distance but followed me to the driver's side, to please step off the street so no one else gets hit by passing traffic.

At that point, I made my way back to my apartment but not before a gentle reminder to the Honda owner that what was important is that no one got hurt. I do not think he heard me.

I know that it is upsetting when your car, especially a new one, gets hit. (Heck, all four of the vehicles I have owned have been hit in parking lots usually when I was not even there....one of them multiple times....three times in 7-11 parking lots.) It can even be extremely inconvenient to not have your car for a week or so while it is being repaired. I am sure my previous and multiple car-crunkee experiences do influence my ability to shrug off damage to inanimate objects. It is vital to remember is that a car is only an object. They can be fixed or replaced, but a human cannot. We, as humans, need to keep situations like what happened last night in perspective.

better day

Let me quickly evaluate my self care from yesterday.

(1) Rest - I did take it easy. CHECK

(2) Acupuncture - Went to my appointment at 5:15 and it was wonderful. My headache finally went away, joint aches lessened and felt really balanced afterwords. CHECK

(3) Organizing - I did some cleaning, moved some furniture slightly in the living room and did all the dishes. Feels good to have gotten some of it done. CHECK

(4) Gardening - I moved the plants to a sunnier place by the window and I consulted with my gardening expert (my mom) about some of my "babies" that aren't doing so well. After describing the situation, she said it sounds like I need to aerate the soil and move some of them onto the balcony. She couldn't remember the stuff she used to use to aerate dense soil but, of course, remembered as soon as we hung up the phone. That led to a phone answering experience that may have been the first of it's kind ever. The phone rang, I answered with a "hello" and the first word I heard was "vermiculite!". Bet you never answered the phone to hear that word uttered, eh? Gardening. CHECK

So overall, my plan was a success. This morning, I still feel a little off but I am going to head into the office and get some work done, meet with a few clients and then head home to do some more self care. It is still up in the air as to going on a hike in NH on Saturday. I don't know if I can do enough self care and rest to be up for a hike. We'll see. Again, it's about being kind to myself. Vermiculite!

sick day

I rarely call in sick to work, but today I did. After four nights of horrible sleep, I woke up feeling headache-y (probably a combination of sinus/caffeine withdrawal), achy joints (common when I am dehydrated) and still very tired. I decided to take the day for a few reasons. First, I have over 45 hours of sick time accrued (told you I rarely call in sick, never at this job). I try to live as healthy a lifestyle as possible so (knock on wood) I rarely get ill. Second, when I am feeling "off", my anxiety level raises which suppresses the immune system more. Not a good combination indeed. And lastly, I don't want to end up extremely sick.

After my experience at the end of grad school, I am leery of not taking care of myself and that snowballing into being physically and mentally incapacitated for an extended period of time. I was working on my thesis and finishing up my last semester when I had gotten a cold. Typically colds run the course of moving either up or down: head, then to the throat and finally the chest, or vice-versa. Well, due to extreme exhaustion, stress and lack of sleep, that cold kept ping-ponging around my body and that in combination with the intensity of grad school resulted in me having extreme anxiety. Luckily, with some good doctors and medications, I was able to finish up the semester and my thesis, ween off the meds and rest up.

We learn from the past, don't we? I try to stay very aware of what my body is telling me and I do not want this to lead to being really ill. So, here I sit, at home trying to figure out my plan of attack for the day. I want my day to include: (1) Rest - I don't anticipate sleep, but I want to take it easy and do some self care. (2) Acupuncture - Luckily, I have an appointment already this evening. I haven't gone in a couple of weeks, so I am sure that alone has aided with my "off-ness". (3) Organizing - I find when my space is organized, I feel a heck of a lot better in general. (4) Gardening - I want to separate and re-pot some of the plants. I'm thinking of putting some out on the balcony to see how much better they grow. I don't know that they will get much more light than in our kitchen window, but I'm willing to try. Getting my hands in the dirt is good for my soul.

On a side note, I have also been considering weeding the small city tree bed in front of the apartment. I'm tired of this place looking kind of ghetto/white trashy because the landlord does not have things kept up to the level that I would like. The extended balcony rails that were installed three months ago are still unpainted and the weeds around the front and side are out of hand. Of course, the amount of money he takes in from the four rental units should be enough for him to keep things nicer. Perhaps, he doesn't even realize or maybe he does not care. He is rather young, but if he's taken on the responsibilities of landlord, he should keep the place up fully, right?

I debate making a complaint, but part of me wants to pull the weeds myself. I think we should inquire about the painting though. If he got the supplies, I wouldn't mind painting with a little discount on the rent. I should pose the idea. Other than these minor things (and not having a yard), I don't have much to complain about living here. Other tenants are reasonably quiet, there's a good amount of space and we like the location. It is suitable until we figure out where we may want to buy a house.

Anyway, today is about self care, and I intend on treating myself with loving kindness. What do you do when having an "off" day? How do you prevent having an off day in the first place? Share you thoughts with me.