Wednesday, August 22, 2007

a room with a view inside

I keep having dreams about studio apartments. Three of them in the past four nights. The dreams appear in real life color and there is ample space in each of them.

Out of all of the abodes I have resided in, only one was a studio apartment. It was very small but wonderful with a huge closet and a retro kitchen on one wall. Located in the historic district of Boulder, Colorado, it consisted of one room on the top floor of an old house. My window faced the backyard and alley. Not a city alley, but a dirt road that runs behind some residential houses where driveways, garages and garbage cans are. I had one particular squirrel who would climb on my screen everyday in hopes of some handouts. Since I am a pushover for cute furry vagrants, he ate well. I shared a bathroom with a 20-something triathlete who wasn't around much. Downstairs in the two larger units were Carrie Jo, a Canadian performing arts major, and Miss Sis (Betsy), a world-wise massage therapist with many stories to tell. Most evenings, Carrie Jo, Miss Sis and I would spend our evenings sipping wine, laughing and telling tales of life and (occasionally) debauchery. Those were wonderful times spent with some wonderful women!

I had moved into this home when my relationship with A ended. I was struggling with change and, being in Naropa's graduate program for Transpersonal Counseling Psychology, was already peeling open the layers of my psyche in my processing classes. I was raw and vulnerable and trying to figure out what exactly the meaning home was. My room at my parents' house now contained some of my grandmother's furniture. I no longer resided with A and our dog. I was living 2000 miles from New York and only had my friends from school around me. It was difficult but in the process of finding this place, signing the month-to-month lease and experiencing living there, I came to the conclusion that, for me, home is within me and yet it is so much more. It is a feeling of comfort that I can hold myself in. It is having a loving family and circle of friends that are always there even when you do not get to speak that often. It is in a space that just feels right; a corner of the world that is uniquely mine. It is also what I can share with Greg, with my family, with friends and even with the occasional acquaintance through a simple smile or kind word. I have taken that feeling with me and hold it close to my heart always.

As I have been mentioning, changes are inevitable and currently looming large. Tied in to these dreams of apartments is our meditating on what to do now that our lease is coming to an end. I just know that if we move to another apartment, home will come with us. Of course, I'm hoping home will also be larger than a studio apartment physically. And I know, without a doubt, it will continue to grow larger in my heart. Home, sweet home.

No comments: